American Barnacles Unit!

Nobody's Opinion: I have just learned that it's worse than I thought. It seems that all us nobodies are now called "barnacles" by all major marketing executives---which means we are lower than pond scum. In the rush to invent new ways to control the spread of the ever populating barnacle takeover, the whole shopping experience is being replanted.

In the future, you may need a "card" to get into your favorite store, and there will be no one there but you and your "store" card. No more need for annoying sales people who need to feed their kids.

You will simply walk up to that pair of jeans with the nifty holes in the knees, (broken in by Chinese factory workers) and flash your card, which will be instantly priced according to your status as a citizen. Your worthy-ness will then be determined by a color-coded chart, which has been made up for easier demographics. (Chipping will not be enough.)

IF by chance, you still work at Joe's Burgers, you will be considered a "barnacle." And the price will GO UP, because THEY will not want your business! In fact, you might not even get through the door!

Bill Gates is working out the bugs as we speak.

Of course you realized that a whole army of barnacles are at this very moment swarming in Operation Swarming in Iraq, to help booster Bush's image as Supreme Commander of Swarming Barnacles.

Feeling lower than a sea urchin myself upon hearing this news, I found a word of wisdom from that great barnacle handler, Gandhi, for barnacled nobodies everywhere:

"Almost everything you do will be insignificant, but it is important that you do it."

Great leaders have memorized this in every country.

Gandhi... a very big somebody, has now given barnacles everywhere hope to go ahead and feel good about cleaning out the toilet, and not being seen in the latest Ralph Lauren outfit.

In the meantime, true Vogue will continue to carry on outside the barnacle reef.

Nobody's Perfect: George Clooney, who has never even been close to a barnacle, gave his basket of goodies that he got from the Oscars to charity. Frankly, I would have been more impressed if he had given it to the barnacle-etts in Iraq, who could have used the cold cream and botox in that desert heat. Anyway, for this, we are suppose to be impressed.

Also, Sharon Stone, a barnacle masquerading as a trout, is lamenting that American women are erased after forty.

Someone should tell Hillary Clinton that she is NOT suppose to be here.

Nobody Knows; It was announced today that due to the national debt, every man, woman, and child will owe $30,000 to the Chinese. So, due to his close connections, that probably means that Bill Clinton is making about 10% off this deal, and plans to donate the money to charity. (just kidding) Of course...I'm kidding.

He will need the money to run for the New World Order President, and to pay back the hush money he stills owes to Hillary.

What? Barnacles have free speech and imaginations...don't we?

Nobody Cares; I was reading today about the Nike Corporation in a very good book called The Story of Nike And The Men Who Played There by J.B. Strasser and Laurie Becklund...and came upon something interesting.

It seems the company, after it's huge initial success, started having some bad years. The stock went down. The man who started the company, Bud Knight, decided to get out, so he turned over the Presidency to a man named Woodell. The stock continued to get much worse, due to many factors, but here's the catch. Bud Knight came back to the company, and saved the day. Many of the people that worked there of course blamed Woodell for the company's problems, but those who had been there awhile thought it was not Bud Knight's best moment. Woodell became a barnacle overnight.

It was also revealed that Michael Jordan preferred Addidas Shoes over Nike, even after Nike offered him his own Air Jordan shoes. But, his mother came in and slam dunked a big basketball full of common sense over his head.

Yes, Michael would be a barnacle today without his mother's keen barnacle intuition.

He also insisted that Nike give him a car (see photo) for all his suffering of having to wear a shoe that only a barnacle could love. That was so long ago, this nobody wonders what the players get from Nike now?

So, do the sharks at the top just want to control the little barnacles, you might ask?

As an observing barnacle, I remember a past President who left office just as the economy was turning bad, leaving a whole lot of problems to be cleaned up by the next administration. And he also made sure that these problems got worse by doing everything possible to make the current President look bad to lowly barnacles everywhere.

Nothing like creating a little chaos.

And there will be Hillary, coming in to take over and correct the chaos where her husband left off. Could they have planned it any better?

So, when will the barnacles unit? After all, the sharks on top don't have to carry cards in the stores...they already own them.