Scaling Mount Potato

As Americans go forth into the future with the world glancing at our every move, it's obvious we have to consider being more considerate in one area that seems to be ours alone:

We are tipping the earth with our weight.

This could cause the environmentalists early strokes, not to mention too many meetings in icy places with Al Gore. It wobbles anyway, and I for one am tired of wondering just where the sunset is going to be on any given night. On the right side of my bird feeder or the left? If it gets any worse, we might have to ban diet soda from all public places.

Oh, haven't you heard? People who drink diet soda are fatter than those who drink a regular one. Diet food is making you fat. In fact, too much of any food makes you fat. The trouble with Diet drinks and diet food is sometimes a person will drink ten cans a day, thinking there are no calories. And they wonder why they float.

It was also reported today that Oprah is detrimental to your mental health. Oprah alone has caused the earth to tip with all her diets. She is yo-yo potato supreme.

Even Tony Soprano was on the scales in the first episode. And look where he ended up? In the hospital. If he had been fifty pounds thinner, he might have dodged that bullet.

It wasn't always this bleak.

In days of old the lusted body of perfection was a woman that looked just like our average American woman...slighty plump. Go figure.

Remember how much fun it was to go to the museums when you were a kid and make fun of the fat naked lady statues? Not anymore, they look like us. We drag our husbands and lovers pass them least they compare.

But, back then, most people on the earth were starving..(wait, maybe that hasn't changed) so being fat meant you were rich enough to eat cake, and twenty course meals. So fat was in fashion. In fact, they ate all day long, only taking breaks to change their wigs.

Good upper arm culluite could have men howling, and swollen ankles were enough to drive men wild. A good amount of thigh flab was all you needed to be worshipped and immortalized on canvas. Oh...The good old days, when a woman dreamed of being fat.

Now, thin is in. The rich eat and they pay exorbitant funds at the best restaurants in town for a plate of food that would have the daily dietary supplements of a hummingbird.

But more important to the rich than that is how the food looks: "Oh my darling...Look how creative you are? My dear Chef...This is the most delicious dish! You are an ar--tissue!!Why the chicken looks like a hummingbirds egg, and on the side is two little adorable peas to surround the palette with culinary delight of the birds droppings. It is exquisite. You are a genius!"

That's why the rich drink so much at dinner. They'd really like a quarter ponder but it's just not done, so they get drunk and go home and eat a pound of bacon.

Nobody's Opinion; Now it's reverse. It takes money to be thin in America. It doesn't take diet and exercise, just a four-star chef and being able to go out and eat the best picked organic steak in town seven night a week. When Rush Limbaugh was asked how he lost all that weight, it was easy. He hired a chef. Sure...we can all do that.

Why are the rich so thin, and the working classes so massive?

Somewhere...It became evident to the government that the population was growing too fast. They had to come up with something quick to feed the masses. They had seen what had happened in the French Revolution. Instead of gullotines, we have cowboys who can castrate a bull in less than it takes to say cheese. The ruling class knows this lesson well;

Keep your people well fed.

They had to do something so they pumped up the cows, chickens and pigs with steroids and hormones. Young boys are now having hot flashes. Barry Bonds can say "It was in the food."

And since it costs a lot of money to feed these animals actual grain...They decided to mix in hoofs, tails, ears, and other sweet morsels. They would just grind it up and put ketchup on it.

Hey, it works for us. Mad cow disease won't hit us until we are too old to remember what may have happened.

Nobody Knows: Once I got to go to the most expensive restaurant town. I was on a date with a much older man who was NOT interested in my opinions. I was definitely not prepared for the upper classes. Being raised on the big Sunday chicken dinners I expected to see big loaves of bread, big steaks, maybe some fries. I had been starving myself all day to take full advantage of this rare event.

But when the waiter presented me with my entree' I smiled...for about a full ten minutes before I said, "Do I eat it or snort it?" You've got to be kidding, I thought.

It somehow felt good to know that the rich truly were stupid. They pay fortunes just to be entertained by obsequious waiters and food that looks like a Picasso painting of bugs with about as much calories as a stick of gum.

Yes---the real secret is...The rich really do eat better.

Nobody Cares; Last weekend the whole nobody starving family went out for dinner. It was not even five o'clock and the line at the local lobster feast went clear around the building. You would have thought they were showing naked lady wrestling along with the meal.

Did we get upset? No. WE are Americans! We knew that four steps away was another franchise. The line at this steak house only went half way around...But the girl at the counter told me "It will only be about ten minutes." Right.

I should have said to her, what President Bush kept repeating today in his second speech on Iraq; "This is unacceptable." But I was too hungry.

Were we going to starve? Was a four dollar coupon for all you can eat in the local paper going to keep us from surviving? Heck no. This is America. We are able to walk at least three parking lots for food if necessary. We're tough. Besides, getting back in the car was wearing us out.

Once inside and seated (after a twenty minutes wait), it was twenty minutes before the water boy came by. Then another 20 until the waitress came to bring drinks, then another 20 till she took the order. By the time we actually got our meal we weren't hungry anymore because our family alone had demolished twenty baskets of bread and over 10 tubs of butter. After the salads I was thinking---why? Why go on? What's the point?

I KNEW I was going to stuff the rest down, no matter how bloated I felt, because I was paying one third of my weekly salary for one meal, and not one cent of that is to be wasted! (Wait, I don't have a weekly salary.)

Bring on the chocolate cake! So what if tomorrow you have to walk around in your pajamas? In the old days, you would be called a real sexy HUNK! Besides, you're a nobody..Who cares?

But back to the main point:Off of every major highway system in America are thousands of restaurants with enough food to fill all the crators of the moon. And that is why we are tipping the planet. It's causing the flooding, and hurricanes.

The only sensible suggestion is to put our franchises (being done this very minute by concerned environmentalists) on the other side of the world, to fatten up the people on the other side so the earth will tilt back, and stop all this global warming nonsense.

I suggest the next time any American sees a pound of fries in front of him or her, they should emulate our great President and say;

"This is unacceptable." God bless America" And bomb them with ketchup.

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Nobody's Perfect: I own an apology to all bloggers. I'm still trying to figure out (it's my first week) how to put up links. I understand this has something to do with HTML, which sounds like a laxative, or a government agency for suffering turtles. Or maybe it stands for Human Torture due to Microsoft Language. I'll be working on it so that sooner or later if I want to tell you something and you say...Really? I can prove it. It's really unacceptable of me...But sometimes so is Microsoft.