Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Nobody's Perfect: The Charlie Sheen Interview: No. 1303


















Nobody's Perfect: Lance Mckenzie Interviews Charlie Sheen

You have seen all the interviews on every network, with the perfect Charlie Sheen, but you haven't seen this one: Inmate Lance Mckenzie interviews Charlie from the Yamhill County Jail:

*****

Lance: Hey Charlie, you're a big hit here man...all the inmates love ya, bro.

Charlie: I'm on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front Lance, thanks.

Lance: So, the guys here want to know if your show, "Two and a Half men" is about two guys and a dwarf...they don't let us watch it here.

Charlie: I'm proud of what I created. Why wouldn't I be? I exposed people to magic. I expose them to something that they otherwise would not see in their boring normal lives. And I gave that to them! That sucks man, that they won't let you watch the Tiger Warlock in action man...really.

Lance: Yeah, it's pretty boring here. Sometimes it's so boring you just want to die, know what I mean? Hey Charlie, can you send me some of your magic whatever...got any cobics? Maharishi? Chocolate chips?

Charlie: Dying is for fools. Amateurs.

Lance: Well, I miss my drugs man...you think you could score me some?

Charlie: I probably took more than anybody could survive. I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. GO! I'm different, I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.

Lance: Wow...tiger blood, I had some of that stuff once...I had a hard time walking.

Charlie: Shutup! Hey, I'm clean. I can't help you out there Lance. I am on a drug, it's called 'Charlie Sheen.' It's not available cause if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off, and children will weep over your exploded body.

Lance: Wow man...that doesn't sound too good. Haven't you got anything else? Purple Haze? I wanna coast...you know what I mean?

Charlie: Yeah, I mean what's not to love about me Lance? Especially when you see how I party. Man it was epic. That run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of 'em just look like droopy-eyed aimless children.

Lance: I once had some stuff with another Charlie ..he was real strange man. He kept talking in crazy rants, kept saying things like "Helter Skelter." over and over again. Did you ever party with Charlie, Charlie?

Charlie: DUH! Yeah, probably... I think that's where I first heard, "I've got poetry at my fingertip." Charlie used to say that. I'm still alive, which is pretty cool. I got rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber. But I'm dealing with fools and trolls, out here Lance. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear.

Lance: That's not good man.

Charlie: Hey Lance, It's been a tsunami. And I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard.

Lance: Well hell, man, why don't you hook me up with some of that Charlie Sheen stuff?

Charlie: I can't man., you borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like "Dude, can't handle it! Unplug this bastard!"..it fires in a way that is perhaps not from this terrestrial realm.

Lance; I could use some new underwear-- Charlie, in fact, you could send me some...you know what I mean? Score some of that terrestrial realm stuff for me bro. Just fold it over.

Charlie: Score, like in win? We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary. People say it's lonely at the top, but I sure like the view."

Lance: Charlie, you're a real lumberjack, you know?

Charlie: Thanks bro. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars, and people can't figure me out, they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain. People who aren't special. People who don't' have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. You must be special Lance.

Lance: Yeah, I love ya man. After I saw that cool tatoo you got, I went out and got one too.

Charlie: Shut up! What's it say?

Lance: Lick me

Charlie: That's cool man. Shut up! You know why I can say that? Because I've a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a 7-year- old. I've got poetry at my fingertips. Lick me. Love it.
Hey, gotta go Lance...my goddess' are WINNING!

Lance..Okay...keep on winning bro! Bye.

***
Lance gets out in sixty days, in case there are any lumberjacks out there who might want to catch up with him. Lance wins the Nobody's Perfect contest for this week, because Charlie Sheen, as the whole world now knows...is perfect. .....DUH.

(Nobody Makes this stuff up, and all in good fun!)

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