The Pursuit of Armageddon

Nobody’s Opinion: What do Jesus, Mohammad, Revelations, Quetzalcoatl, Nostradamus, and Al Gore have in common? They have all predicted the end of the world. It’s a very popular subject right now and it’s playing very well on radio, television, movies and theme parks rides. It seems that mankind goes through this growing pain every thousand years.

Prince even did a song about it…1999. Bill Clinton added on Y2K. Now we have the “Axis of Evil.” Armageddon the movie was a huge box office hit. If the world has to be saved by someone, better by Bruce Willis than Madeline Albright.

One point is clear…the pursuit of Armageddon is still a popular pastime.

After the crusades, most people were ready for it…but were highly disappointed when nothing ever happened and they were stuck on the same old feudal farm paying the same old Feudal Lord’s taxes. Life remained boring and hard. Bummer. Before the Bird Flu we had the Black Plague. People wanted it to all end.

And now in 2006, they (meaning various people who say they know about these things) have even picked a date; December 21, 2012 at exactly 11;11 am or pm….I’m not sure, morning or evening it hardly matters. We’ll all be dead.

What’s going to happen? Well, they can’t decide exactly…that’s what’s fun.

But they all agree there will be signs...like storms, hurricanes, earthquakes, diseases and fire. You know, those things that have happened on earth since the first trilobites hit the dust. Al Gore failed to mentions that. Al is here to save us.

According to some Rabbis, a red heifer has been born, a sure sign of the end times. They named it, I think--- Divinci II.

And a temple has been built in Jerusalem which is another sure sign. Personally, I think if the Jews were aware of this forecast and believed in it, why in the world did they ask to go to live in the one spot in the world where eventually they would be terminated according to their own prophesy? Why not ask for a new home on Easter Island after WWII…a place that could have used some ingenuity? Oh, I forgot, they were chosen.

Then, we have the Revelations from the Bible. First—some guy from the E.U, (according to Hal Lindsey who is trying not to blame an Untied States President) the anti-Christ will appear and everyone will love him, and something will happen (like assassination) and he will die and come back to life. But while he is dead, Satan will enter his soul, and he will join up with another guy, who will be the false prophet. Gog and Magog will be on all ID cards.

In between we will have another soccer World Cup.

WWIII will then break out near Israel. Russia will line up with China and the Islamic nations on the fields of Megiddo against the U.E., and billions of men will die in a big clash of blood and guts.

No mention of North Korea here.

Hey, aren’t we in this somewhere? Well---no, because all our cities will have already been knocked out by nuclear attacks according to Nostradamus, and anyone left will go and live on the federally owned property in Utah. Washington D.C. will be gone and Denver, Colorado will be the new capitol.

The new White House will probably be built on the top of Pikes Peak. The Capitol is probably already built inside the mountain. Our Congress has already put a plan in place for leaders to replace themselves if something happens.

Yes, Congress has taken Armageddon seriously. They’re not kidding when they tell you on all those radio spots to make sure you have lots of water.

According to Revelations, Armageddon will be close when every person gets an ID number. On May 11, 2005, President Bush signed the Real ID Act which says that all citizens will receive an ID card by May of 2008. But the Bible said ALL people, and since they can’t find 40 million illegal aliens now to give ID cards to, I don’t think they will be able to find 100 million by 2008. That buys us some time.

It was also predicted that when the Cubs won the World Series the end would be near. Art Bell (late night talk show host of Coast to Coast) it was said, stopped the end times because he came back in time and caught that ball, which is why the Cubs lost, which means Art Bell is going to be cloned. I don’t think time machines will be invented for quite some time yet. Another good sign.

Then we have the new Bible Code findings. These are lots of guys with new computer technology just having a blast finding meaning in a real old book. It’s kind of like reading computer tea leaves. These predictions are not too nice.

According to the Bible Code, in 2006 there will be a major Quake in L.A, (well, we didn’t need a old book to predict that one did we?) and then in 2011 an asteroid will hit Russia, then 3 more will hit California, Utah and Nevada, causing California to sink and flood. THEN in 2012, 3 more asteroids will hit China the earth will shift and Japan and the Philippines will be under water. Then after 2010, no more children will be born because all people will die except 144,000 who will then start the human race again with reincarnated souls of the followers of Moses. The first baby boy will be born in 2045.

I wonder what its name will be…Adam? Bill? George?

I suggest we name the first baby after Benny Hill. We should at least have a say in the name of the new first born baby. Benny Hill would have made an excellent Moses.

Then there’s a Catholic priest named Father Andrew who says that we will invaded by the United Nations in 2 years and that Kansas city will be hit by a 9.2 earthquake that will go on for over an hour, which will burn down the city and leave 40 years of gray sky over the entire earth.

This guy has been reading too much Latin. If you’ve ever been to Kansas City, I don’t think it would actually cause a major blackout of the world. The last year of Clinton’s reign left the whole western half of the U.S. on fire, and we survived that, but maybe I’m missing something here…a nuclear meltdown of some power plant. He may be right.

It’s fun to joke about all this, except that all weekend long we were hearing about the possible upcoming Armageddon with North Korea aiming nuclear missiles at us. (Thanks to B.C.) And Iran who will start WWWIII, if we don’t leave them alone. (Thanks to B.C.)

Before Christ now being erased to mean Before Clinton.

And if the Democrats are elected into office once again, Saddam Hussein will be put back into power in Iraq just to make George Bush mad.

Pursuing Armageddon will then be a much more serious game of “Who can actually make this whole thing come true and win the ‘I told you so’ award of the Millennium?”

We all wish the leaders of the world would give up this ridiculous game of pursuing Armageddon. I hope to be around in 2012 , when some scientists actually think we might be entering an ice age, and global warming will become global icing, even if all the nobodies are still living the same boring lives paying the same boring taxes.

But, that won’t stop Al Gore. He’ll just make another movie, that is, if Jesus doesn’t come down and take him away on Judgement Day.

Wait, Al Gore doesn’t believe in Jesus. Oh well….


Nobody’s Perfect; Al Gore.

Nobody’s Knows; Why all these ancient texts all picked the same date of 2012 in which the world will end.

Nobody Cares; Most of us know if the ancient prophesies are actually true, we might as well go and play putt-putt, drink beer, and not worry about it, because it’s out of our control.