Stinky Tornados

Stinky Tornados

Nobody’s Opinion; I’m absolutely bored out of my mind with politics tonight. All the talk show, all the newspapers, evening broadcasts…even the internet. It was such a lame day here in Missouri---warm, humid, and muggy. Too early for the air-conditioner, too expensive to run the heater. And still too early to put up the screen doors on the house because as soon as you do, there will be another freeze. Always happens.

So you sit inside and sweat, and put deodorant on, and wonder is it you that smells, or your husband? And if it’s him, you won’t bother telling him so. And if it’s you, he won’t bother telling you, so there you are. You both stink. But it’s ok, because as everyone knows, after you’ve been married for awhile, sooner or later both of you will shower.

After a while of smelling stinky, you both actually start getting used to the smell. And inevitably neither one of you smells anything bad at all, and if you happen to get a visitor you are bound to wonder why they didn’t stick around.

Makes me sound like trailer trash, (Technically I cannot be because I do not live in a trailer.) but realistically specking, if you are a fashion plate when you are a nobody, then you DO NOT have a brain, because there are so much more important things to think about besides how you look. like digging a fallout bunker in the backyard, or counting how many times liberals say the word “progressive” on TV.

Whenever I get up on a Sunday morning there are really only two ways to look at it;

1. “Do I want to take two hours to try to transform a retiring physique with old clothes that no longer fit me, and make me feel fat and old ?

OR

2. Do I just put on what I had on yesterday since it was comfortable and use the two precious hours doing some task that needs to be done, like watching a Sci-Fi movie...

Unless you a movie star, model, on a job, or big date, it’s an obvious no-brainer.

That’s why Einstein always looked like he had one foot in a toaster. He had better things to do. If he had been into getting his clothes custom-fitted, his nails done, his teeth capped, his eyebrows cut, who knows what would have happened in history? The atomic bomb might never have been developed, we’d all be thinner due to less stress from worrying about nuke attacks, and Time Magazine would have had to make Thomas Edison the man of every century.

Einstein’s hair alone would have taken at least four days to manage.

So, there we were today, stinking and hot, my husband and I trying to figure out how to paste HTML on our bodies, when the tornado sirens went off.

That does NOT happen here often, in the middle of an afternoon.

So the first thing I said to my husband was…”Let’s get the birds downstairs.”
His answer: “They’re just birds.”

His answer does not compute in my woman brain.

“What do you mean, 'They’re just birds?' Do you think if we get hit they will survive because they are birds? (Somehow making them immune to tornadoes) or do you mean we can risk them dying because they are not something more intelligent like your dogs.”

Meanwhile, the winds are whipping up outside, the sky is black and green, hail is falling, and actually, even though scary, the wind feels pretty good since we have both been so stinky. Our stink momentarily floats out the back screen door.

On the radio we hear; “There has been a tornado touch down and it is moving along the highway at 60- miles- per- hour.” We are one minute from this highway.

Still, his answer paralyzes me into trying to decide not only just what he meant, but lines of action. Leave them? Does the man always have the last say? Are they more important than my computer? If we are hit, all my books are upstairs, and someone in the next state might get a wet and torn copy of “How to Finance Your Invention or Great Idea?” fall on top of their bird feeder.

Or even worse…how much the neighborhood is going to hate me BECAUSE I have collected 4,000 books plus all the National Geographics from 1953 through 2003, and if my house is hit, the rest of the neighborhood will have books strewn all over their own stuff and I will be in everyone yard going...”Excuse me…I think that’s my book on the remains of your kitchen floor. Can I have it please?” Totally embarrassing.

No one in his right mind has that many books in this neighborhood. My addiction having been revealed, my local library might hear of it and refuse me a card.

All this was going through my mind before I decided to actually move toward the basement.

“Ok.” I said, “You win.”

That phrase alone will down the toughest man.

So down the steps we went with the birdcage, but not until we had done the usual
”Why did you change your mind?” ---“ I dunno.” conversation which wasted another four minutes
Once downstairs, we got near a closet and turned on a nearby TV. Tornadoes were dropping all around the area. The cool, and calm weatherman showed seven little pictures of tornados on his map. Cool.

We could hear the hail banging, and the possibility of the whole house going up was at least 70%. But was I worried? …no.

I learned a very good lesson from my dad, years ago.

It was 1963; I was nine, standing in our house in Naples, Florida. Hurricane Donna was blasting all around us. Winds up to 200 mph. It was scary. I was scared. My mother was hysterical. We were watching the roof over our neighbor’s house slowly get torn off, much like a can of tuna being opened in slow motion.

But my Dad was playing putt-putt in the living room, and I was incredibly amazed at his ability to act like he was on the sixteenth hole at Pebble Beach. He was laughing. My Dad was the coolest cucumber man in the universe. He was Arnold. He was John Wayne. He was having too much fun for a sane man.

My dad had said he had built the house to withstand hurricanes. He opened the windows at the right time, telling me that, it was his secret, explaining the science to me. All the while the whole neighborhood blew down. Everyone came to our house, which had suffered no damage at all. Not even a broken window.

How did he know? I think it’s what you call…positive thinking. If you say your house will not be destroyed by a hurricane or a tornado. It won’t.

Your mind can affect nature. Obviously…they just don’t know how that works yet.

Hey, it worked for my dad. So--- I just smiled and felt perfectly content, happy, and stinky, and not worried at all. Within minutes the tornadoes lifted, and the storm disappeared.

All I can say is, don’t try this at home.

And don’t worry about how much you stink when there are more important matters like life and death, and why the universe and the human mind works in such mysterious ways.

I’ll take a shower tomorrow. Tonight I talk to you, and that’s much more important. Just be thankful you’re not here.

Nobody’s Knows; Ok…a little politics…Mikhail Gorbachev said today “America is intoxicated by its position as the world’s only superpower.” God---no wonder he has hooked up with Clinton, who is trying desperately to undo any superpower status that we have left. Bet they share the same girlfriends too.

Nobody’s Cares; Sharon Stone’s movie opened in ninth place. Gee---think that comment she made about how oral sex is good for girls just before the release had anything to do with low turnout? Don’t you just love it when aging movie stars say the stupidest things and it comes back and hits them at the box office? Sharon will now tell us the reason no one came to the first showing is because the women of America did not want to let their husbands go to see it ---because she is in such good shape. Why go see Sharon Stone when you can get stupid human tricks on David Letterman?

Nobody’s Perfect: John McCain has gone looney again and was praising the illegal immigrants. He suggested that they just keep marching and they will get what they want.

Well, actually, that might be a good idea. The businesses will be forced to hire Americans because the illegals won’t show up for work due to the much more important protests.

Nobody’s Fool: Gingrich has positioned himself just right for his bid for the presidency. He is always mentioning his one big past achievement. “We reached our peak in August of ’97 when we passed the balanced budget. That was the moment when we had in fact changed the city.”

Well, the city was changed for a whole two days. If elected, he will change the Presidency for at least four days, then declare Marshall law.

See you tomorrow.