Bird Flu Friday

Nobody’s Opinion: Somewhere a bird has the flu. Poor thing. I meant to be concerned about this, I was suppose to be planning my eminently horrible death from a life cut short by someone that I might just pass on the street, but I’m finding it hard to get myself going.

I need to get with the plan. Stock up on anti-bacterial soap, gas masks, probably some duck tape, lots of food, candy, orange juice, gloves, a bio-suit, twenty pounds of vitamin C, 80 packages of cough drops, and a big gun.

I’m not ready yet.

And neither are our hospitals, says our government. Gee, when did they discover that little secret?

For the last ten years, there is usually at least a 10-hour waiting period in any hospital emergency around here. Unless you have a gunshot wound in the head, you wait in line. The gunshots are usually from an inner city gang-fight. It’s important that the news tells the public just how fast that hospital took care of that “minority.” Being sued is their primary concern. That gang leader goes to the head of the line. The scumbag drug dealer lives, the person who might have the bird flu, will die. And if you just have a fracture you will still be there the next day.

God forbid it’s a Friday, because then you’re chances of dying will triple.

There are no doctors in any hospitals on Friday. They always take the weekend off. But, the hospital reassured you they are on call. Not much help in heart attacks or strokes, but they say it so convincingly.

They have advertising on TV telling you that every minute counts. Every minute that goes by in a stroke situation, there is brain damage. Get to the hospital fast.

I followed all the right moves when my mother had a stroke. She managed to make it down the hall, I saw that she couldn’t talk, I called the medics, and they were there in three minutes.

But, we got out into the ambulance and sat in the driveway.

“Well…let’s go!” I said.

“We can’t. They just had a gunshot wound. They are crowded, they can’t take us, and we have to wait twenty minutes.”

“Then let’s just drive!”

“Sorry, no sense in that, they’ll call us.”

So we sat in the driveway for over 25 minutes until the hospital decided they would take us. It took another fifteen minutes to get there. Of course the hemorrhaging was so severe, she was left paralyzed. Six month later she died.

Same thing happened to my father. He had a stroke on a Friday. There were no doctors; he was put in a room to bleed in his head until a doctor came in on Monday.

The moral is, our hospitals are in shambles. If you do not have a top doctor who plays golf with the administrator, your visit to your local hospital might just be a stair-way to heaven.

The government knows this. And because of the mess the government has made of our health system, your best bet for long life is to stay as far away as possible from a hospital.

Pneumonia’s favorite hangout is hospitals. And if there ever is a “bird flu” pandemic you can be sure, the best place to pick it up will be there. You will get both, almost guaranteed.

Our government cares so much about the American people that they have already made huge stockpiles of bird-flu vaccines, even though it’s not really in existence yet. They have just released a 227-page book on what they are going to do to you if they (being our benevolent and loving leaders) find out that you have the bird flu, and are holding out on them. They will put you under surveillance. (I thought we already were?)

The leaders say that 85% of the security vital to keeping the society functioning is in the hands of the private sector. Face it, the only thing the government does well is train the military and take our money.

They tell us that there will be tremendous chaos when it hits. They even made a movie for us to watch to condition us to be afraid. Millions will die on the freeways. The National Guard will be out to make sure that the illegal immigrants will not be obstructed from having their rights to come over the border stopped by any vigilante.

They have already asked other countries to take over printing our money, which they can do with the “enter” key.

President Bush will make a call to Switzerland:
“Yes, this is President Bush. I will need about 800 trillion dollars printed, all my people are sick over here, the taxes are not up to par, and we had to shut the government down. The Congress is crying out for their checks, they need more stuff in the bunkers.”

“Yes, sir, it’s being sent to you now online, all we need is your password.”

“Password; The Divinci Code.”

President Bush wants 7.1 billion now, because they’ve already got tibs on half of it for something else. But, we are not in a position to-- “have to know.”

Personally, I have never seen such a scare job since that guy told us twenty years ago that the population of the earth would be so enormous by the year 2000, Armageddon would come and we would all starve. Bet he’s disappointed.

This vaccine thing is starting to get to me though. They have been trying to vaccine everyone for years now. And I don’t think it’s for our own good.

So, my suggestion is…if there is such a thing as the bird flu and if this chaos comes, and you think you have it, head south to Mexico.

They have cock fighting down in Mexico. They have been living so long with chickens they have bird flu immunity.

They must have, our government is not scared of infected Mexicans, just Americans.

Anyway, sitting at the poolside having a drink in Cancun beats sitting in an emergency room waiting for your shot to die any day. You might even see Ted Kennedy, sitting across from you.

Then you can call him a “chicken.”

Nobody’s Perfect; Some people in Tennessee have actually come out to draft Hillary for President. They are selling her chocolate chip cookies from her own recipe. What they don’t know is, that recipe is from her college days with Bill, and is loaded with some stuff from Mexico, and laced with a mind control, which makes anyone who eats it thinks it was Hillary who saved the country when Bill was messing around. “Stand By Your Man” will be the song they play at all her rallies in Nashville. Look out for cookie crumbs

Nobody Cares; some people are worried that there will be prostitution trafficking in Germany during the World Cup event. Nobody cares because prostitution is legal in Germany. They will have to bring in more girls to keep up with the demand of all the civilized European men, who think they are so superior to the United States. No wonder they make us give so much money to aids.

Nobody Knows: Why Madeline Albright is saying that Clinton was never offered bin Laden by Sudan, when he admitted it in a taped interview. Just remember, if Hillary becomes President, this lady will get back into a cabinet post, and you will have three chickens in the White House.