Thursday, March 15, 2007

Confessions of a Camel

Nobody’s Opinion: The good news today is: torture works.

It works on me when my husband makes me stand for over five minutes waiting for him to say what he wants for dinner.

And it worked down at Guantanamo Bay…they won’t say just what frame of Jack Bauer on 24 that our military copied---the only tease they gave us is that they used water.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, a man who had a habit of leaving his camel (Buddy) in the parking lots of airports, confessed today to masterminding every crime ever committed or thought about since Abraham decided he wanted to set an example for the future Thomas Jefferson and lay down with one of his slaves.

Mohammed’s mother was so impressed by the son of this slave woman, that she named her boy after him, and even called him a sheik.

And today, Mohammed has made his mother very proud, because now the whole world thinks that he was the only genius that planned 9/11.

He also admitted, when coming up for air---that in his spare time he:
1. Beheaded Daniel Pearl the reporter
2. Planned the first World Trade Center attack in 1993.
3. Planned on bombing the Sears Tower
4. Planned on bombing the Empire State Building
5. Planned on destroying the Panama Canal
6. Was in on the bombing of the disco in Bali
7. Planned on bombing the New York Stock Exchange
8. Planned on assassinating Bill Clinton
9. Wanted to assassinate Jimmy Carter
10. Planned on killing the Pope.
11. Planned on blowing up Big Ben
12. Wanted to attack Heathrow Airport
13. And last but not least, he planned to get a sex change operation and charge it to the United States Army.

Now, I don’t know about you, but this nobody finds it JUST a bit too strange that this one man could actually have done so much thinking and planning when, if you have seen his picture, he looks as if he would have trouble getting the IUD up his camel.

In his midnight confession he said he felt a little bad about killing kids in the 9/11 attack. This has made a huge impression in San Francisco, where the ACLU brightest lawyers have been working 24/7 to get him released on the grounds that anyone who leaves camels at airports has an IQ of a watermelon, and therefore should not be held responsible for his actions.

Instead, they suggest that, if he would just admit to a few more succulent jihad crimes, they would be sure that he gets a one way ticket to Mecca, on Jesse Jackson’s private plane. They will even put a representative from the United Nations on board to make sure he is well treated after his horrible stay at Gitmo.

Angelina Jolie says she might consider the job in the name of peace.

The Democrats just have to be rejoicing at this good news tonight, and for good reason, and not just because Jimmy and Billy are still here.

The liberals have been trying to get Guantanamo Bay closed down for so long, they have almost given up. Now, with Mohammed’s confession of every single crime ever imagined committed in the name of Allah, all the other men can now be declared guiltless and go home.

A great progressive lawyer, Mark Denbeaux, a Seton Hall University law professor said, (and I reluctantly quote), “The government has finally brought someone into Gitmo who apparently admits to being someone who could be called an enemy combatant. None of the others rise to this level.”

This means, the other guys just cut off the heads of nobodies and planned to blow up simple American shopping malls, and kindergarten schools.

They just did not have Mohammed’s true genius at saying the most opportunistic thing at just the right time.

It has been reported, by Mohammed himself, that it was NOT the torture that made him confess, but the thought of never seeing his camel again.

He gave up all information, without even a last cigarette.

I’m sure we all now feel safer knowing that the one and only madman to mastermind all these terrible future attacks has now confessed and will be locked up forever.

And I can go back to torturing my husband.

Nobody’s Perfect: Many lawyers are claiming if these confessions were gotten with torture, then they basically mean nothing.

Most of these lawyers are still watching reruns of Seinfeld.

Nobody Knows: Is it just me….or does anyone else find it just a little too strange that we have a base on CUBA, not far away from one of the biggest evil guys on the planet, and yet, we do nothing but hold prisoners there.

Why we did not try to take that island long ago when we had the chance, is a real mystery to me. I guess we just didn’t have any real masterminds like Mo.

Nobody Cares; Someday, Mohammed will be sitting in a palace on one of those rich islands off Dubai, and getting paid to write episodes of 24, with Kiefer Sutherland via the internet.

His camel will be patiently waiting for his master out on the parking lot.



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