Nobody Reports on a Monday: Twas' The Night Before Fruitcake
Nobody’s Opinion: There has been important breaking news from the scientific community recently. Those of you out there that have always suspected that mom and dad liked your older brother or sister better than you… raise your hands!
Yeah--me to. I especially suspected it at Christmas time when my older brother gave me Herb Alpert albums and my mom and dad let him.
According to some probably older sibling scientists, your suspicions are right. Mom and dad, those scabs… always love the oldest child the best.
If you happened to not be the first child born in your family, you got sloppy parental attention seconds for, according to them, a biological reason.
And to what scientific experiments did they attribute this enlightened piece of knowledge to?
They studied the Vicrophours Vespilloides, who they claim, much like humans have a family tradition of moms and dads, and kids…
Lots of kids---in fact over twenty at a time.
These kids were always hungry of course, and the scientists noticed that the older kids always got fed first and most of the time, survived.
The fact that these ‘kids’ would be hatched in the carcass of a dead animal, thereby assuming the oldest kid got to crawl around first and just eat every dead maggot and rotting piece of flesh alive before his other brothers and sisters were born, evidently did not enter their busy observing scientific minds.
Yes---this is based on the intense observations of beetles, proving once again that if all the rest of our future scientific breakthroughs are as well thought out as this one, you best pray to your reincarnation God that you are not firstborn, because Al Gore or some other goofy politician will declare older siblings unfair, and therefore they will need to pay some kind of older siblings footprint tax.
Payback will be a bitch. I’m owed twenty years worth of Beatle albums, and I plan to claim them.
Nobody Perfect: Another trifle bit of scientific news has also released. The saying that we only use 10 percent of our brains has been found out to be false. In fact, the whole brain is usually always working, as you could very well see if you’ve ever witnessed a CT scan.
What they haven’t found out yet, is the fact that while Hillary Clinton’s brain might light up all over, nobody can find even ten percent of it that makes any sense.
Nobody Knows: Why in the world did the two (national) front runners Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton do such bad Christmas Commercials? Did Rudy Giuliani have to put himself in a bow tie, put himself in a sweater vest that looked like he got it out of a 1950’s J.C. Penny’s catalog, and then mention fruitcake while acting like the Santa Claus sitting next to him was the guy down the street stopping in for a beer?
Yeah--me to. I especially suspected it at Christmas time when my older brother gave me Herb Alpert albums and my mom and dad let him.
According to some probably older sibling scientists, your suspicions are right. Mom and dad, those scabs… always love the oldest child the best.
If you happened to not be the first child born in your family, you got sloppy parental attention seconds for, according to them, a biological reason.
And to what scientific experiments did they attribute this enlightened piece of knowledge to?
They studied the Vicrophours Vespilloides, who they claim, much like humans have a family tradition of moms and dads, and kids…
Lots of kids---in fact over twenty at a time.
These kids were always hungry of course, and the scientists noticed that the older kids always got fed first and most of the time, survived.
The fact that these ‘kids’ would be hatched in the carcass of a dead animal, thereby assuming the oldest kid got to crawl around first and just eat every dead maggot and rotting piece of flesh alive before his other brothers and sisters were born, evidently did not enter their busy observing scientific minds.
Yes---this is based on the intense observations of beetles, proving once again that if all the rest of our future scientific breakthroughs are as well thought out as this one, you best pray to your reincarnation God that you are not firstborn, because Al Gore or some other goofy politician will declare older siblings unfair, and therefore they will need to pay some kind of older siblings footprint tax.
Payback will be a bitch. I’m owed twenty years worth of Beatle albums, and I plan to claim them.
Nobody Perfect: Another trifle bit of scientific news has also released. The saying that we only use 10 percent of our brains has been found out to be false. In fact, the whole brain is usually always working, as you could very well see if you’ve ever witnessed a CT scan.
What they haven’t found out yet, is the fact that while Hillary Clinton’s brain might light up all over, nobody can find even ten percent of it that makes any sense.
Nobody Knows: Why in the world did the two (national) front runners Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton do such bad Christmas Commercials? Did Rudy Giuliani have to put himself in a bow tie, put himself in a sweater vest that looked like he got it out of a 1950’s J.C. Penny’s catalog, and then mention fruitcake while acting like the Santa Claus sitting next to him was the guy down the street stopping in for a beer?
What was he thinking? Is he going for the WW II vote?
Not many of them are alive.
And Hillary’s commercial was like a Tim Burton “Nightmare Before Socialism” scare. She would have been better off putting Bill in a Santa suit eating cookies.
Not many of them are alive.
And Hillary’s commercial was like a Tim Burton “Nightmare Before Socialism” scare. She would have been better off putting Bill in a Santa suit eating cookies.
On second thought, that's just as frightening.
Nobody Wins: I don’t care how much they keep harping on free trade…when a country has practically no manufacturing base at all, you don’t have anything to trade, unless you’re General Electric or Microsoft.
The concept of free trade is great, but only if there is a fair playing field. Our leaders are just positivity keen on all of us working for a wage of one dollar. Bully-- right! Sure, we can compete with the factories in China!
Frankly, I suggest they all move there and take their "free trade" with them.
Nobody’s Fool: Here’s a last item that is truly one for the Christmas stocking stuffer.
Do you have a dog or cat? Do they get fleas? Have you EVER spent hundreds of dollars for all those very expensive flea and tick packets? Do you even have them delivered to your door?
Well, stop! According to some experts, you can simply vacuum your dog fleas right off his body.
I expect a great rush on Dust Busters if this news ever gets out. The people that are making billions selling those flea and tick “treatments” for dogs are going to be really angry if you tell your vet “No thanks, I vacuum at home.”
Well hey…it the good old free trade philosophy…right?
Anyway, I had never thought of that idea…did you? Here we all were using all our brains, and somehow missed it.
Maybe if they studied something besides Beetles they know why. I suggest next time, they study something worthwhile, like how to get rid of fruitcakes.
Nobody Wins: I don’t care how much they keep harping on free trade…when a country has practically no manufacturing base at all, you don’t have anything to trade, unless you’re General Electric or Microsoft.
The concept of free trade is great, but only if there is a fair playing field. Our leaders are just positivity keen on all of us working for a wage of one dollar. Bully-- right! Sure, we can compete with the factories in China!
Frankly, I suggest they all move there and take their "free trade" with them.
Nobody’s Fool: Here’s a last item that is truly one for the Christmas stocking stuffer.
Do you have a dog or cat? Do they get fleas? Have you EVER spent hundreds of dollars for all those very expensive flea and tick packets? Do you even have them delivered to your door?
Well, stop! According to some experts, you can simply vacuum your dog fleas right off his body.
I expect a great rush on Dust Busters if this news ever gets out. The people that are making billions selling those flea and tick “treatments” for dogs are going to be really angry if you tell your vet “No thanks, I vacuum at home.”
Well hey…it the good old free trade philosophy…right?
Anyway, I had never thought of that idea…did you? Here we all were using all our brains, and somehow missed it.
Maybe if they studied something besides Beetles they know why. I suggest next time, they study something worthwhile, like how to get rid of fruitcakes.
They can start with the Clintons.
Labels: Humor
posted by Joyanna Adams at 6:59 PM
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