Fox: Giving Women Marriage Advice

Nobody’s Opinion: Today, while I was trying to get away from Al Gore’s weather reports on every station, I turned to a bit of fluff. And there was a discussion on Fox’s Mike and Julie Show between, I assume two experts on ten sure-fire ways to get a man to love you.

I missed most of them, but here’s a few.

There was a white woman expert, and a black man expert. I was hoping for Mae West to appear, but she’s dead.

So, here are their “opinions” and a few of my own.

1. No Sex on the first Date:

Girl Expert: Wait till the third date. (Obviously she got this info from watching too many episodes of Sex in the City)
Boy Expert: Are you kidding? Wait at least a year! (He wants to be real sure about her not running around on him)

I found this one really funny. Let’s compromise---How about a month, or even two, or six? But a year? Might as well get married then and make the wedding night a real prize. Cover the bed with rose petals!

Also, mandatory tests at the venereal clinic for aids, gonorrhea, TB---all those good things would be smart.

I thought the girl's answer was a bit crazy. I have argued this one with too many girlfriends who think that the best way to get a guy is to show them just how wonderful you are in bed. Right---a movie, a dinner date, then sex.

Wrong.

A man can get sex from two or three other girlfriends during that year.

The man wins.

2. Don’t always be available.

Girl Expert: Don’t break a date with your girlfriend to go with the guy.
Boy Expert: Most girls break off all relationships and end up suffocating the man, who then wants his freedom. A man needs to get out with the guys.

Ah…well, I must admit, I have done both. I think it depends on the guy. Once, when a very famous ball player asked me out, I put my girlfriend before him, and she turned around and told him I was “unavailable” because she wanted him. She told me about it years later…she was my best “friend.”

Yes, women do tend to always be on the availability list for men. Most of the time, if the girl pushes the man away and goes out with her friends; he rethinks his love of football wondering just where the girl is.

Still, the guy is usually having more fun with his friends than the girl with her mother.

The man wins.

3. Be fulfilled in your day job. Have a life that’s exciting.

Girl Expert: It’s exciting for a man to see a successful woman who is excited about things and life.
Boy Expert: Well yes, but once that woman is with the man, the MAN should be her career. She should be a FITB (Freak in the Bedroom) and lady on the street; cook and clean.
Girl Expert: Aha! She said, “What century are you living in!”
Man Expert: Of course, if she works really hard, then the man must give her a little slack.

She can do the dishes tomorrow.

I’m not even going to touch this one. By the time you’ve been married for over ten years, it’s usually, “Okay, who’s got the energy to cook?”

But since the woman has to work, come home, do the laundry, cook the meals, help with the kid’s homework, and then get out the dancing pole stashed in the laundry room, I’d say the man wins again.

She needs Viagra more than him.

Speaking of Viagra, they are now bribing voters in Thailand with the stuff.

4. Charm his friends

Girl Expert: Get his mother, his friends, his brother and sister, his co-workers all to love you--- then he can’t get rid of you.
Boy expert: Looks a little worried…don’t come into MY football room unless you are invited. In fact, girls should get their own friends.

Okay, I suggest all men piss a perimeter around the game room.

Nobody Wins on this one. The only answer is marry a man who thinks watching sports is boring. I did.

Actually, I thought the suggestions were in the right directions. But, they could have mentioned that usually when the hormones are spinning, both men and woman’s brains become mushy maelstroms of excessive emotions.

Therefore, I suggest you tattoo this list somewhere freaky on your body.

But only if you’re a lesbian.

Yes, Fox news is looking out for YOU, just ask Glenn Sacks.

Nobody's Perfect: For goodness sake, this by no means suggests that men do not do housework, so don't even go there.