The Lessons of Columbus

Nobody’s Opinion: Long ago, in another galaxy, when I was in first grade, the first serious thing I remember learning in class, besides don’t go into the library and look at the Egyptian book with the naked ladies, was that Christopher Columbus Day was special. It was so special, that it was an American holiday, and this was long before the ten-percent-off all mattresses at your local furniture store became the reason to celebrate it.

We learned that Columbus took great pains to build three big boats, and fill them with lots of sweaty, smelly, sailors---sailors looking for gold and a bath.

Back then, teachers taught that the discovery of America was important. Now, the discovery of the fact that two men can be mommies seems to be much more expedient to our early childhood curriculum.

But, I’m off subject here.

The Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, were holy grails to us kids. We fought over who was going to get to color the picture of the Santa Maria for Miss Howard, who would hang all three class-colored ships up on the classroom wall. Those that got picked to color the Pinta, felt a bit disappointed, because it was the littlest boat on which there was, no doubt, just a bunch of grunt sucking midgets.

And if you’re little lst-grade feelings were hurt---too bad. We were not coddled if we weren’t teacher’s pet back then. What was important is that we had our first real hero besides our parents to admire: a courageous explorer named Christopher Columbus.

We were told that Columbus discovered America, in 1492.

Okay--- so our teachers twisted a few facts. He really discovered the Bahamas, Cuba, and the islands around the area. He missed America by thousands of miles. The lesson being---always consider the source, no matter who is telling you what.

The trouble is, when you’re a kid, you believe just about anything. We have a whole generation of kids who will think their purpose in the world is to work for Obama, who will give them a job as a car mechanic.

But, I’m off subject again.

Our teachers also didn’t tell us that until the day Columbus died, he always believed that he had made it to Asia---proving that, you might think you know a lot, but you don’t. (Are you listening Congress?)

Columbus was looking for gold---he took a risk, and it paid off big time.

It took Columbus only 33 days to cross the ocean…sometimes it takes me that long to understand my bank statements.

I’ve seen most of the movies made about Columbus, but I have yet to see one that followed his actual written account of his trip.

You see, when Columbus got back to Spain the first time, he wrote his patron, Lord Sanchez, a letter about his adventures, and the very first exciting thing he mentions in his letter, besides minor details on his sailing was this:

“The Inhabitants of both sexes go always naked as they were born, with the exception of some of the women, who use the covering of a leaf or small bough.”

(Translation: Columbus knew sex sells.)

“They are timid and full of fear. They continue to entertain the idea that I had descended from heaven.”

(The messiah concept ---a favorite tactic of Barack Obama.)

“Their fear was so great that they have fled in such haste at the approach of our men that the fathers forsook their children and the children their fathers.”

(When a leader can instigate great fear, they are home free.)

“As far as I have learned, every man throughout these islands is united to but one wife, with the exception of the kings and princes who were allowed to have twenty.”

(Just twenty? Was there a shortage of seashells?)

“Certain women, who dwell alone in the island Matenin, which lies next to Espanola: these latter employ themselves in no labor suitable to their own sex, for they use bows and javelins as I have already described their paramours as doing, and for defensive armor have plats of brass, of which metal they possess great abundance."

(Frankly, I don’t think any labor is suitable to the female sex.)

Think of it: Columbus ran into the first feminists, a race of women who lived on an island all alone, with only a few guys, and had a lot of BRASS…I’m speechless.

And here’s a surprise: Columbus was shocked that the “Indians” had no concept of gold and its worth.

“Thus they bartered like idiots, cotton and gold for fragments of bows, glasses, bottles, and jars, which I forbade as being unjust.”

So---Columbus, unlike all our current leaders, had a conscious. He REFUSED to steal from the people he considered inferior to him.

And that’s all I have to say about the matter---draw your own conclusions.

Oh, and Happy Columbus Day!