Vote for the Redbird

Vote for the Redbird

Nobody’s Opinion; Tomorrow, April 4th, is a local election day for all us nobodys here in the middle of the United States. It also happens to conveniently fall on the opening day of the St. Louis Cardinals Baseball season, where thousands of fans have been breathlessly awaiting the opening of a new stadium. Mostly because we were told by the Post Dispatch to breathlessly await.

Since most people work, they will want to be downtown early for this historical day. I doubt many will make it to the voting booths as they usually close at 7pm, so unless you want to get up at five in the morning, or leave work early, you will not vote. Even though you are allowed by your boss to go vote, you might miss that important client. Job security trumps elections.

That’s the way the politicians like it, because there are a lot of important races going on, and the less voting the better.

And if you think this was a not a coincidence, then I can bet you fifty dollars that you went through the United States’ wonderful public educational system. That is also why it has never occurred to you that it would be much better holding elections on a weekend, when the majority of people could make it.

The only people that will be sure to vote are the teachers (Who will be refused take-home computers and free software if they don’t.) and unions officials who cast lots for everyone, all democrats. They are the majority here in Hazelwood.

Just several days ago we all got a letter telling us about 12 revisions to our city to vote on: Like all documents of sopping altruistic political persuasion, it does nothing but confuse you, which is its intention. And this isn’t South Florida. In fact, after reading the flyer I’m inclined to believe the poor people of South Florida were probably given a ballot so confusing that they had as much of a chance of understanding it as my typewriter has of understanding why I am pounding on it tonight while I am thinking about this.

I’m quoting from my flyer;

“The updates are to take into account technological and lethal charges.”
This means they want to tax every cell phone, every telephone, every television set, every wireless connection, every internet connection, in fact, anything that‘s connected to anything else. Our city managers lost the Ford plant due to overtaxing them. (we were told) Now WE have to pay Ford back they’ve declared.

“Repealing the 1970 charter that is outdated. (Notice a period here.) Adopting gender neutral phrasing. (Councilman to Councilwoman)”
The first sentence says they can declare anything outdated, including elections. The second part is to make you think they are being fair to woman. (I.e. must be more women than men)

“Further revisions include the way compensation for elected official is set, provisions that regulate the appointment, removable, qualification, term of office, powers and duties of the City Manager, duties of the City Attorney, the process for filing an amended petitions and the way by which officials bonds are kept.”
This means hey will be able to set their our own salaries, fire and hire whoever they want, lengthen the term of office to lifetime, and basically set up the House of Lords in middle America.

“We can allow amendment of initiative, referendum and recall petitions which are inadequate due to disqualified signatures.”
Basically, if we nobodys try to petition them of any grievances they can say we are disqualified due to the fact that we’re not nice. And if something passes they can amend it? What’s the point of passing anything then?

We are also told that we can check on candidates’ finances---however some candidates will not be required to file. Why, because they are too rich?

And here’s what they didn’t mention in the flyer…you can only vote once, either yes or no for all revisions. No line-item veto for us. Of course we’ll vote no (unless we are a teacher) and we will hear on the radio that it passed overwhelmingly. They always pass.

Either the corruption is thick at City Hall, or all the people that could vote it down will be at the ballgame, voting for the Redbirds to win.

Oh... Laura Bush is going to be conveniently here too on Election Day. She’d better wear red. It’s the least she can do for all those un-voting fans.

Nobody's Perfect; Mike Tyson was reportely very honored to be able to visit his longtime life hero, Mao, who taught him that when you can't win a fight, bite off an ear. I wondered if they let Mike take home a souvenir...a toe maybe?

Nobody Cares; Seseme Street is now going to appeal to six-month olds. Look for Big Bird to say the word "progressive" 600 times a day while eating ice cream.

Nobody's Wins: Arizona is trying to decide whether it wants Spanish to be it's official state language or English, thereby putting the United States on a one-way ticket to eventual obliviation of the English language. The American Dream will not be far behind.

Nobody Knows: Everyone is astonished that there is a big outbreak of the mumps in Iowa. The mumps vacine is one of the first vaccine every baby gets. So now...every child in the United States will have to be vaccinated all over again. What nobody knows is... was this an improved strain perfected and introduced for just this purpose? Was Aids introduced by other men to wipe out the population of Africa? Nobody knows.

But then, Nobody does know that old saying "Follow the money."