Chipping Away in Levi's

Nobody’s Opinion; Tell me this hasn’t happened to you.

You go shopping, you pay your bill--- you walk out through the two huge white looking columns, and then a huge “Beeeeeeep!” goes off.

Usually I freeze. The only thing moving is my mind; “Do I turn around? Was it my keys? My cuticle clippers? All those pennies I been meaning to empty? Oh my gods…all these people staring at me think I stole something! Don’t they know how honest I am? ”

Instantly I morph into Woody Allen. “What did I do?”

When it first started happening to me, I was totally embarrassed.

Not anymore.

Because I’ve notice something in the last five years, nobody cares about it at all.

Everyone that works in the store looks up, and then just goes about their business. You get that look from them all…”Go on, get out of here…it’s bad enough that I have to have this low paying service job, listen to people complaining all day, let alone have to put up with that annoying sound.”

Just when did they stop caring about theft?

When those machines were first put in the stores, we watched patiently while all the clothes had big heavy plastic “magnetic” readers put on them. I always felt sorry for the people who had to “pull and twist” those things off. You don’t see them much anymore, and they haven’t told you why. Boy, they were a pain in the butt, weren’t they?

I use to think they got rid of the tags because they weren’t working. The thieves just kept on stealing. The poor worker wasn’t about to risk stopping them, and the mall cops were usually too far away.

A friend of mine, who worked in the perfume department of a huge retail store at a major mall, told me that once a week some guys would just walk up to the perfume counter, pile as many boxes of perfume as they could on top of each other, and calmly walk out. It was a hit they took weekly. Sometimes it was the most exciting and fun event of the month. The mall police never caught them. She told me, the store could have cared less. They just passed the loss onto the customer.

But, it never fails, whenever I go into Best Buy, I walk out with nothing, and I always set off the buzzer. No one pays attention to it, and that does have me worried.

Just what is on me that is setting off the alarm? Bad brain waves? Is there a little guy behind a camera in some room just pushing a button for laughs?

Actually there are two ladies trying to tell us the answers: Katherine Albrecht and Liz McIntyre. They have written a book called ‘The Spy Chip” that you can get on their web site; www.spychips.com

The first kind of chip is called RFID chips. (Radio Frequency Identification) The newest stuff to track clothes, software, underwear, razors…in fact just anything they want to put the chip on it will fit into because, you see, it’s smaller than a grain of sand, a big improvement over that clumsy predecessor because, they don’t have to take it off. It goes home with you. Wal-mart is using it, as is K-Mart, and Proctor and Gamble... (could be your Cheerios are watching you.) Levi’s has been using it forever.

In fact, they are trying to replace the bar codes with it.

It’s for keeping track of what YOU buy, and that pair of Levi’s in your closet could very well be setting off many a magnetic reader whenever you pass it.

And why someone would want to chip Kleenix boxes, is beyond me. Maybe when the bird flu hits they will need to know just how sick you really are.

But, there is another version; that is much bigger brother called the Verichip, and it’s for people. You have it implanted in your arm. It can hold a person’s medical history, bank account, license... in fact, pretty much your whole history and you mother and father’s too. (Actually, the information is held on a computer somewhere, you just have the ID number)

These Verichips people have been reading way too many science fiction books.

Remember after 9/11, when President Bush marched out “one of his best friends” Tommy Thompson to head Homeland security? Whoa---- he was pretty scary looking I thought. I thought Tommy looked a bit like J. Edgar. Well Tommy is now retired and on the Board of Verichips.

He had once suggested on national TV that everyone in America get the chip implanted in their arm. How I missed that one, I don’t know. It was not reported much in the news.

Guess they thought we weren’t quite ready for the Verichips polls.

And now Scott Silverman, the head of the company is suggesting that we chip the immigrants to keep track of them, in fact, right after Bush’s speech the other night.

What a great guy!

Just how they are going to track them with a chip that cannot be read by satellite, escapes me. In fact, they are trying to sell you on the idea that little children and dogs will be found if they are kidnapped if they have a chip in their arms.

Don’t buy it. The only way they can read these chips is with a reader that is no more than 18"-24” away. I don’t think the serial child kidnapers are really worried about this.

They will also suggest old people get chipped for the medical attendant to read…but it can’t be read in an ambulance or a hospital due to all the other machines. In fact, it might just sign your death warrant because the technician will not know you’re a diabetic. You took off your bracelet when you got the chip, which you paid $200 to have installed and $80.00 a year to keep current.

What? You thought the government was going to actually pay for this?

Now, according to the Bible, we would all know our time was numbered when the number 666 was implanted on everyone’s hand or forehead. The bible predicted that a person would not be to buy food or anything without using this ID tattoo. Some people believe this so much, they have been putting this on billboards. (Picture)

But the worry here is--- if the immigrants are force into being chipped, chipping the rest of us won’t be too far behind. There is a bill being presented in Wisconsin right now forbidding any chipping of humans. We might all have to move there...

If the government pushes this on us, and they could very easily, having seen our right to eminent domain go through so easily, it’ going to be interesting to see just how many people go along with it.

If this truly happens, then the American people can truly say that our government is chipping away at the last of our freedoms. (Ok. Bad.)

But we should at least demand that every person working in high office for the government have the numbers 666 imprinted on their wrist or foreheads, so we can tell who the traitors are on judgment day.

I’ll fell better.



Nobody’s Perfect; Paul McCartney, in a rush to forget his pain of his soul mate got married a little too soon after her death and has now found out that it’s not going to work out. Like a real dummy, he did not get her to sign a pre-nuptial. This just goes to show that just because you’re a genius in one area; it does not guarantee that you know jack about anything else. A rule that most genius find hard to admit is that they are not perfect. When I read that she told him he would just have to stop smoking dope, I though… (Uh—oh)…it’s doomed. Get ready for a nasty divorce.

Nobody’s Knows; That all this fuss about making English the national language is all smoke and mirrors and doesn't change a damn thing. It’s just a little cookie to placate all the rest of us into thinking that the Mexicans will have to learn Spanish. I suggest next time a cop pulls us over for anything we should all say...”No speaka English." In fact, we could just all write that on our tax returns.

Nobody Cares; You know, after writing this tonight I realized that very few people care if this whole chipping thing goes down because actually, even when it is happening, nobody is going to frigging believe it...remember, according to President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, the Holocaust never happened. Just repeat after me ..There is no chip, there is no chip...

Hey, have a great weekend.