Hoodwinking The Clitoris

Nobody’s Opinion; Tonight, as my husband and I were watching some goofy movie on TV…I was thinking how I hardly remembered what it was like to be single. Although I didn’t get married the first time until I was twenty-seven, and was a single parent for over fourteen years, (This is my second marriage.) those days seemed SO long ago.

This thought came after getting a call from my doctor who told me the results of my hormonal balances, which he said were “normal.”

But I asked…by whose standards? His or mine? No woman I know has ever had a single day of normal hormonal balance in her life, and mine have personally broken records.

The older I get, the more I realized that hormones rule us all. The hypothalamus is King. We can try to deny that ugly fact as much as we want, but it’s true.

Men are always horny…And women want to have babies. What are you going to do? Analyze it forever?

And just a few minutes ago as I was reading Marc H. Rudove’s column on MND called; How to Lure a Golddigger, I was amazed, as I have always been, at reading about just how many men are frustrated with women.

The testosterone levels were dripping off my computer. I almost needed a Kleenex.

There were MANY remarkable statements in this article that I had never known before…for instance, “If you wine and dine a woman, you will attract women who fake their orgasms.”

Really? So what happens if she fakes an orgasm and you HAVEN”T wined and dined her, but picked her up at Wal-Mart in the shoe department and went outside and made it in the parking lot? What does that make you? A failure?

Here is another remarkable observation made by Marc; “Woman have children out of wedlock to get child support.”

I wish he’d be more specific. This would ONLY work if the guy is making LOADS of money.

Here in the nobody land of the lower middle class, I find that most of the woman make just as much money, if not more then the men. We are talking of course about the lower middle classes who do not have college degrees. She would not need child support.


So, I think it would help if we get this color class thing going real quick for the different classes, so that the men, who make BIG money, can pick his sexual conquests from a class over his head. He needs rich girls, to solve his problem, not better clitoral techniques on poor girls who can’t support herself and her out-of wedlock kid.
I suggest having them (sexual maybe’s) fill out an application form.

Hopefully he explains this in his book. which I suggest we all need to read.

In my day, when turtles walked the earth freely, sometimes when a woman wanted to get pregnant it had something to do with the biological clock ticking.

In this day and age, with so many men scared to death of woman out for their money, women figure their odds of getting someone to actually marry them were about as likely as them getting invited to a ride on the space shuttle alone with Tom Cruise.

Therefore having at least a KID to love her in her lifetime was better than nothing. Going down to the courthouse, and trying to find our where Daddy has moved this month is a wonderful way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Then again, Marc does have a good point on some issues.

I remember going through a time when I wanted to have a kid so badly it became an obsession. I had decided that NO man would ever love me enough to marry me, and like the Monarch butterfly that somehow finds their way from Canada to Mexico, woman WILL find a man to have sex with when her hormones are in full throttle.

She has NO idea what is driving her to this insanity.

Anyway, I went out to find a specimen donor for my eggs. I did find one. He was good-looking, artistic, and most importantly, he spook English. I really didn’t even want him to know about my plans; I just liked his painting…which were not even close to my clitoris.

Luckily, I came to my senses after I met him and found out not only was he good-looking, but he thought so as well.

Not a desirable trait for my future kid. Brains WERE important. I was saved by my own logic, which overruled my fermenting and throbbing life cycles.

Marc, who by all definitions is a real somebody as an established author, has thought up a very clever title to a book for men called, “Under the Clitoral Hood; How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze, or Jumper Cable.”

Actually, jumper cables sound kind of exciting.

I sure do intend to read the book, because I can’t imagine that many men not knowing what makes woman tick.

But, by the end of the column it seemed to be that men think as long as they are good at sex, a woman will never, ever leave them…on the contrary, the woman will adore them forever and ask nothing in return. The guy who is good at sex will not have to part with any money, but get to keep every dime for himself.

He will never have to buy a zillion video games for kids he never gets to see, thereby leaving more for his own collection.

Anyway, I think that was the conclusion that most of the men come up with.

There was another statement that said, “Men have fewer rights than woman. Why? The Males gave them those rights.”

Whew! Where have I been! Living in a married dream world…no connection to the reality of how badly the men are suffering.

One last thing…Marc says that matadormats (His clever word for rich guys flaunting money.) use money to compensate for their inabilities to communicate and fornicate. They are basically and sadly insecure.

Somehow, I’m having trouble picturing Paul McCartney and Donald Trump as suffering from insecurities.

Anyway, I loved reading about all the gold-diggers out to get men. I’m certain these men have got a good handle on the problem.

My experience as a woman are so far opposite of a man’s I could ONLY look at it from my hormonal point of view, which thanks to mother nature is about as far removed from a man’s that the answers to what makes a man fall for a gold-digger and spend all his money is just about as silly as contemplating why woman are suckers for flowers and “Sleepless In Seattle.”

Still, as a woman, I would write a book in answer to Marc’s and say, “If You HAVE to Crank the Engine, Get Out Of The Car.”

You don’t have to even go near the clitoris to make a girl love you and go out with you, and be faithful to you…all you need is love, and “normal” hormones---at least, if you are looking for a sensible life-time partner. And if you aren’t doing that, then better invest in some real nice jumper cables.

Nobody’s Perfect; I just heard that Pamela Anderson is divorcing Kid Rock. This means, that although she is suppose to be about the most perfect sexual experience on the planet, the guys still leave her…which leaves the door open for Marc.

If I were him, I’d send her a copy of his book.

Nobody Knows: There is a book called “101 Lies Men Tell Women and Why Women Believe Them” by Dory Hollander, Ph.D. She did many tests on “lies” from both men and women and came to the conclusion that men lie all the time, and never gives it a thought or feel bad about doing it, whereas when women lie, it will haunt them forever.

Having said that, I wonder if we can blame this on the hypothalamus? If so, I suggest we operate.

Nobody Cares; Hopefully, the wonderful readers on MND will not take anything I have said “personally” as due to a “hormonal” episode tonight, I just wanted to have some fun. As usual, I’m just “opining.”