It's All About The American Pie

Nobody’s Opinion; Tomorrow, while we are all piling so much food into our stomachs that we all secretly reach down to unbutton our pants to make room, (thinking NO one saw us do it, when of course everyone at the table noticed) there are two things that maybe as Americans we should all be thankful for;

There are some women in our country who can actually still cook, and 2. There are still men in America who can fix a car.

Of course, these numbers are dwindling fast. And it’s up to us older dweebs to start passing down what we know to the younger ones, before its too late. As everyone knows, these talents are vital to our national security. You never know when we are going to need to fix a hummer or have to cook a tire.

Every day of the year, it has been a rule in our house, that all the woman try NOT to cook. It’s a necessary habit of sheer survival for the love that we have for our spouses and children. Because the fact is, I come from a long line of woman, who for whatever reason--- couldn’t even cook water.

NEVERTHELESS…that didn’t stop us all from preparing the best and most wonderfully tasting Thanksgiving dinner anywhere. It was the rest of the year that we had trouble.

It started with my great-grandmother. Even though she had a farm, all she was good at was making Elderberry wine. That was it. She let her daughter; my grandmother…feed the family. And because she didn’t have much of a teacher, she couldn’t cook either.

But, I suppose it didn’t matter because the elderberry wine was in good supply.

Now, since my grandmother was a terrible cook, my mother was even worse, and therefore, I am have been known to actually almost burn down whole kitchens.

NEVERTHELESS…like my mother and hers before her, when Thanksgiving came, we could make the most perfect dinners. Who could have thunk it?

And like most families, our specialty was my grandmother’s recipe for “pumpkin” pie.

Now…one of the things that makes us American, is our ancestors passing down their favorite recipes to their daughters ( I suppose like fathers handing down their favorite spark plugs) …recipes that have been in the family for sometimes centuries, brought over from Europe in boats and memories. Some of these recipes were the reason some of these women got husbands.

I’d like to tell you that this recipe, which I am about to reveal… (I’ve guarded it with my life all these years) was something handed down by my great-great Aunt Bessie. But I can’t because she was in a mental institution all her life.

No, like all other true blue-blooded American women who can’t cook, my grandmother stole it.

During the war, back in 1942, my grandmother would get real dressed up, take a cable car to go downtown St. Louis, and go to her favorite restaurant in Baden…which no longer exists. She would have a piece of pumpkin pie, which was made fresh each day by the lady that owned the restaurant, who unlike my grandmother could cook.

And because, my grandmother ate so many pieces of this pumpkin pie, the lady finally after many years, gave her the recipe. (So, she really didn’t steal it, technically.)

And so, dear readers, even though it pains me to give such a valuable information away FOR FREE…because I am feeling rather generous at the moment due to the fact that I do not have to cook tomorrow…

Here it is…the best pumpkin pie ever invented.

This is a pie to die for. It tastes nothing like any pumpkin pie you will ever taste anywhere else in the world. Sara Lee would die for this recipe.

I’m trusting you readers, that if Sara Lee comes looking for it….guard it with your life.

And guys this is really so simple, even your buddy who can’t even make salsa and chips right, could do this. Even small children can make this (with help of course) I

In fact, that’s when it comes out the best, when you do it together as a family.


Grandma’s Toelle’s Stolen Recipe for Pumpkin WWII American Pie!

First, when you go to get beer today, pick up a few other things;

You will need; 7 eggs, sugar, cinnamon, salt, nutmeg, butter, milk, a can of whipped cream, one Pillsbury Pie Crusts, 2 Deep Dish…and One large 29 oz can of Libby’s 100% pure pumpkin.(NOT THE MIX!)

Oh, don’t forget…the beer.

Turn on the game, and get to it.

Put 7 eggs in large bowl, (without shells guys) and then beat. (If you don’t have an electric mixer, then it’s about time you get one, Wal-Mart is open until New Years Eve) If you are feeling like a linebacker, beat with a hand mixer, or spoon.
Then beat in one and one/half cups of sugar. (keep the mixer running boys)
Then add 2 cups of milk (keep the mixer running…)
Add one large can of Libby’s 100% Pure Pumpkin. (WARNING, WARNNG!) Make sure you DO not, repeat DO not get the Libby’s Easy Pumpkin Pie MIX! I’ve done this at least twenty times in my life, because I’m in a rush, and it ends up in Bosnia. Oh, get one can…29 oz.
You still with me? Okay, in a separate pan, MELT a half of stick of butter. After it’s melted, go ahead and dump it in the mixing bowl. Now, you can shut off the mixer, and the stove. That was easy…wasn’t it?
Now, this is a very fun part, and the big secret…..Get a mixing cup. Put ¾ cups of sugar in the cup. Then get one (I go as big as I can) heaping teaspoon of cinnamon into the cup.
You’re not done yet…turn off the football game for just a few more minutes...okay, leave it on…put ¼ teaspoon of nutmeg in your cup that already has sugar and cinnamon.
Last item to go in your cup….SALT! One heaping teaspoon. So, you have sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt in a measuring cup. Now, take a spoon and mix it all together…till it comes out all brown. Really take a lot of pride in this part. Kids especially can do this and it will keep them busy for at least the next two downs.
Now, turn the mixer back on, and add this cup of extra fat into the stuff you’ve already mixed. Let it mix in. Taste. Does it seem bland? Then sprinkle in…and this is VERY important, more nutmeg. Taste again…better? Ahhhhh

10, Does it look smooth? Then pour it into two DEEP DISH Pie Crusts. I know, you might have some left over. You can cook it in a dish, eat it like cookie doe, or give it to your dog. Or better yet, put some in your buddy beer when he’s not looking.

Fill the crust up to the top.

11. Let the pies cook in your oven at 400 degrees for 30 minutes…(put the timer on, or you’ll forget) then go into the kitchen and turn down the oven temperature back down to 350 degrees. ([Put the timer on for 60 more minutes)

Take out and let cool. Now, whip cream, the sucker and….

The men in my family can eat a whole pie at one sitting. I don’t advise this. And if you happen to like this, then bless my grandma Anna Toelle, and then bless the soldiers, and America, and have a great Thanksgiving!

Oh, you’re welcome.

Nobody’s Perfect; You probably think by looking at this LONG recipe that it’s hard, but it’s just about as simple as can be. The problem is, I can’t shut up, and that is one of the reasons I’m a bad cook. It should take you all of twenty minutes to do.

Nobody Knows; Was pumpkin pie invented before the spark plug bulb? And just who invented pumpkin pie? Anyone?

Nobody Cares; My father, invented a special type of spark plug he called the “Tipper Timer.” I’m not sure what it did, but he couldn’t get it on the market. Later, someone else actually did steal the idea and put it on the market, and it’s in all the cars.

NEVERTHELESS, my father did not pass this knowledge down to his son, or his daughter for that matter, therefore I cannot afford my own cook.

I often think of this small family fact on Thanksgiving.