Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Suzanne Somers; Ageless, Homeless...But NOT Clueless

Nobody’s Opinion; What a surprise it was today to hear that Suzanne Somers lost her home to fire! (Or maybe not.) What a coincidence! (Or maybe not) Why, I have been carrying around her new book “Ageless” for several weeks and showing it to every doctor I can!

You know what they said when I showed them, and told them---“I want some of this stuff?” The stuff being “bioidentical hormones therapy.”

“Hogwash” they all said. “She is just another Hollywood movie star trying to make a buck. It’s all nonsense.”

This from medical doctors who could pass for aging footballs.

Or “Forget it. You think that by going on bioidentical hormones you are going to look like her?” They say…taking one look at my blond hair which is to them, trying real hard on it’s own to look like Suzanne Somers hair. (This was from a woman gynecologist that wore no makeup.)

Why, they have done tests on prison men and found out that bioidentical hormones did nothing for them.” she said.

Well, that’s comforting.

You see there is a feminist “thing” going on with women who wear makeup when she meets one who doesn’t. I just KNOW that when she put me up on those stirrups for the smear, she was grossing out over the fact that even though I removed all my clothing like she told me too, I left on my red lipstick.

Women without makeup instantly feel a superiorness to the lowly woman who puts on lipstick and mascara, because she is obviously not wise and brilliant---put in blond and stupid and you have the perfect picture of Chrissy on Three’s Company…which Suzanne portrayed so well I even thought she was about the dumbest blond around.

No more.

You see, I happen to think she’s on to something.

Now guys, try for a moment to get that picture of Suzanne Somers, up on your big screen, lying on her side pumping her thigh master, out of your mind.

Erase it…think of something not so sexy for a moment…like, Rosanne Barr singing “God Bless America” at the beginning of the World Series, and then grabbing her crouch and spitting… one of America’s more memorable moments of womanhood.

This book is about the “prevention” of disease, and making the most of aging with at least some chance of living the rest of your life being able to get up off the video chair, without moaning. I’ve been waiting for this book since I was nineteen.

Pan to commercial: “Men…have you lost all sexual attraction to your spouse? Is she always moody, and crabby, and has gained enough weight since your wedding day that you end up keeping lotion in the shower? Did she believe you when you accidentally called her Shamu while making love that you were really saying “ooooooh you?”

“Do you find yourself searching the internet for e-mails from your buddies, while your wife is sleeping or cooking? Do you wonder why SHE has lost all interest in your obviously superior to any other man on the earth talents in bed, which you are convinced, would make Brittany Spears jump at the chance to connect with?”

“And how about that belly that is creeping over your stomach? Are you just getting too tired of it all? Is it even worth it anymore? Are you feeling that you are just not the man you used to be?”

“Then come into Suzanne Bedroom. Because there are nothing but doctors there.”

What? Oh, that’s not the ending you were expecting I know…but it’s the ending that is the best answer for you.

You see, after a certain age, all our hormones just fizzle away. That’s why we age and die. Nature says, “Okay, you’ve reproduced, now make way for the new guys.”

What these bioidentical hormones do is replace the ones you lost, and fool your brain into thinking you’re still around thirty.

It doesn’t mean you won’t die, but you’re more likely to be able to fight off cancer, strokes, and all the other horrible diseases we get when we get older, and live life going on mountain hikes instead of spending your last days in some nursing home.

Suzanne divides this book up into three parts. The first is for woman. The second is for men, and the third is all the proof you may need of why this book has the latest answers for staying healthy and growing older from various doctors.

Dr. Eugene Shippen (Board Certified) an expert on testosterone: Dr. Joe Filbeck, BA and MA in psychology, MD of surgery, anesthesiologist and medical director of Longevity Life Estension: Dr Herb Slavin specializing in internal medicine: Dr. Gordon Reynolds, 30 years in obstetrics and a Ph.D. in nutrition: Dr. Galitzer, an endocrinologist: and these are but a few of the experts in her book who she interviews to back up this very unpopular approach to helping us all.

So this nobody, after having read hundreds of self-help books, and diet books, and books and books and more books…etc…this is the first one that makes any real sense to me.

(Besides The Zone, a diet where you must starve to live. Not very American even if it is a sound diet.)

And here’s the problem.

Things like DHEA, and melatonin, testosterone… hormones that your body naturally makes (but loses as the years go by) are not patented. They can patent DNA genes, but evidently they haven’t gotten around to the natural hormones for some reason.

Therefore the big drug companies cannot create the monopolies on them.

And bioidentical hormones, which are despite what your doctor may tell you, are not as harmful as the synthetic hormones that the doctors have been prescribing for years. Why?

Because in order to get the “patents’ they have had to add chemicals to these hormones, which usually have terrible side affects. (Like stroke and cancer, you know, death.) And no, the insurance will not cover “preventive” hormones. They do not want you to live either.

The medical community, the drug companies and the insurance companies are one of the few remaining manufacturing and profitable businesses left in America. Yeah, I know, Wal-Mart is supplying lots of service jobs to our great economy every day, but they don’t even compete with even the ad writers in Readers Digest.

They will protect their turf. And you must be persistent in finding a doctor who will even let you try it. Most think its nonsense. But, remember, doctors tend to like sick patients, it pays for the Las Vegas Vacations.

You might have to go to Tibet.

So very soon, I am having my blood test done and finding out just what hormones are out of balance…(I know, plenty.) and I’m going to get on this stuff as soon as possible. It may turn out to be another scam. But…I don’t think so.

I really think Suzanne may have finally hit this one out of the park. Check it out. Or better yet, go and buy her book on Amazon.

Remember, she is now not only ageless, but homeless. She probably even lost her own thigh master in the fire. Have pity.

Now boys---you can go and think about her bedroom. I’m finished.

Nobody’s Perfect; One of her chapters is titled, “Men and Hormones; it’s not about erections (Well, not at first)” She says the first telltale signs of a typical middle-aged man is increased abdominal fat and shrinking muscles, which is a hallmark of declining hormones, and men DO have a menopause…it’s called andropause.

Compared to menopause, it’s more like a coffee break.

Next time your buddies kid you when you are going for your third case of beer at halftime, tell them you are suffering from andropause and it’s needed for relief.

And it could be that both Donald Trump and Rosie are suffering from it.

Nobody’ Knows; While the new rage is genetic therapy to “cure” all these diseases, wouldn’t it be smarter just to prevent the diseases in the first place? After all, we all have cancer cells in our body just waiting for us to get old.

I’ve always thought that hormones were the orchestra leaders of the body, but hormones seem to have always been an afterthought with the doctors, because they were always concentrating on “cures.”

I wonder why? mmmmmm

Nobody Cares; Hey, here’s a conspiracy theory…Suzanne Somers home was targeted for arson by the vast pharmaceutical empire, because if everyone starting getting these hormones, and stopped getting diabetes, heart problems, cancer, etc., they would lose millions in revenue, as would the government.

No? Well it would at least make a good plot for a novel….Mr. Crichton?

Oh, and by the way…this nobody will tell you how it turns out, she is going to try it.
Why not? If it works, I can request lipstick be applied on my corpse when I die at age 120. They will say, “My, she hasn’t age a year since she turned thirty. You’d think she would have gotten rid of that stupid lipstick though.”


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