Sunday, July 15, 2007

Nobody's Absurdities, No. 49--21 Border Solutions

Nobody’s Opinion: Since our President and our Congress cannot seem to muster up the will to protect the American people from illegal aliens by protecting our borders, it seems the only way we can save our American heritage and country is, like they say:

You want something done right…do it yourself.

So, I’ve come up with a list of ideas on how to stop all Mexican and potential terrorists from coming over our border…some practical, some not so practical…but hey, if I can make it through Friday the 13th, I can come up with as many absurdities as I want.

And hopefully the ever imaginative amafortas…will feel free to improvise with some of his own.

21 Solutions for the Border:

1. Truck all the garbage from every city in the United States and dump it on the Southwest border. After not much time, the wall of garbage will be so high, that the idea of “running” from border guards will be more like sinking into the abyss of dirty diapers. Some illegals might still make it across, but you will be able to tell who is illegal by their stench.

2. Pass an amendment to the Constitution, saying that all Congress members, must live at least five years in houses built with taxpayers money, right on the border of Mexico. We’ll be nice---they can have three bedroom homes, with two baths, one very small new electric car (made in America)…and one gun. They will not be allowed to have any bodyguards, but gun classes will be provided to them. They will attend all sessions of the Congress by video screen conference calls since they are never on the floor anyway. If they want to make some grandiose statement to the American people, they can use a special camera from their living room. They will get only 2 weeks vacation a year like the rest of us. However, one guard will be posted outside their houses at all time, not for their protection, but to make sure they don’t run away. No one will be allowed a hair cut over fifteen dollars. Their children must all go local public schools.

3. A committee of Citizens to Protect Our Borders will report employers that hire illegals to various subsidiary groups set up in every state. When found, the guilty employers will do thirteen years in community service, in Iraq. Any government agent that turns free an illegal alien, who has broken the law, will never be allowed a credit card again. His or her credit will be ruined automatically.

4. Get the finest scientists from all over the world to come up with a program to tilt the moon, just the right way, and freeze South America, so that the people of Mexico will go South instead of North due to slippery glaciers.

5. Set up a 3,000 mile long golf practicing tee-offs. Place the mats every 50 feet. Golf balls would be provided for free, as long as they are driven into the Mexican border. Hold “Hit the illegal and win a trip to Disneyworld” contests, where prizes will be given to the persons who can hit the most illegals crossing.

6. Pass a law that says that any man or woman or who cannot speak English with any degree of a first grader will have to pay immediately on the spot, one hundred American dollars to the American he is speaking to. All Americans will be allowed to carry guns to enforce this law.

7. All Catholic churches that protect illegals will also have to feed all the other homeless people on the streets at their own expense. Sort of like an affirmative action for the “homeless” program. If they are found discriminating, their churches will be confiscated and given to the local neighborhood people as a place to gather for their own picnics and to worship as they see fit, at the expense of the Catholic church.

8. Go ahead and make a huge fenced-in Jurassic theme park that stretches for the 3,000 miles. Clone the T-Rex, Giant Alligators, and Raptors, just like in the movies. This will not only keep millions from crossing, but the money charged for admission will pay for the expense in no time.

9. Offer all the old retired baby bommer men who are bored and do not want to die in nursing homes a decent salary to guard the border. Build nursing homes for these guys and their families all along the border…along with new roads where all the old people can drive, with free gas, up and down the border line to their heart' s content. No speed limit.

10. Hire climate control experts to make a continual wall of lighting bolts up and down the entire border line.

11. Build homes for all abandoned animals…from the humane society all along the border. All you will need is a simple chained fence. Instead of being ethusanised, they will be sent to a vast network of doggie shelters for the complete 3,000 miles. Whenever the illegals get near the border, a vast howling of thousands of dogs will occur, making it easy for the border guards to find them. This will be much cheaper than actually feeding the vast invasion of people, since dogs don’t have to go to school, need medical care, and eat less. They are also more loyal than most American politicians and deserve our money more. Besides…Muslims are scared of them.

12. Speaking of politicians, since they seem to love the Chinese so much, they should arranged to pay the Chinese to build us another Great Wall of China along our borders. Since they did it once before, building another one should go up in no time. Our deficit is so huge anyway, it hardly matters. Only Americans would be hired to build it, supplying much needed jobs.

13. Any elected President that does not protect the borders of the United States should be banished from our shores, never to return. Sherriff Joseph M. Arpaio will then precide as President until the next election. The Vice President will continue to serve the President.

14. All the taxpayer's money that is donated by our politicians to aids, feeding the poor, schools in other nations, the World Bank, the United Nations, etc…could instead be hidden in treasure chests, buried under the sand all along the Mexican border…thereby stopping the illegals who will not make it pass the border because they will be digging for years, looking for the money. Free shovels should be found in all the wrong spots.

15. Put up a huge wireless sound system, with the sound of bombs and gunfire going off. Once in a while let the National Guard shoot live bullets into the air. No Mexican will ever know what is real and what is not.

16. Instead of doing our underground nuclear testing in Nevada…move it to the border.

17. Ted Kennedy should only be allowed to speak in Spanish forever more, since he is no longer an American. If caught speaking English, he will have to pay two thousand dollars to the American he is speaking to. All Americans will be allowed to make a citizens arrest of Ted Kennedy if he fails.

18. Have an American Idol contest where all the experts from all over the world, who actually know how to protect their countries borders, compete for the honor of winning and getting to build our wall. The American people will vote on their favorite. The prize will be at least a billion dollars, to be delivered at the end of completion.

19. Every house that has more than five Mexicans to one room will be claimed by eminent domain and sold to the nearest needy neighbor for one dollar.

20. All drugs confiscated by the police, will be disguised as food, and dropped all along the border, thereby making it easier for the border guards to catch them while they are talking to cacti.

21. And last but not least…the United States should just invade Mexico, take it over, and send in Jimmy Carter to be President. Anyone living there will move.

Nobody’s Perfect; I must admit, none of my suggestions seem as good as some others I’ve heard: like land mines, making Mexico give us oil for our pains; and having a moat built filled with big gators.

Nobody Knows: Just how long Bush can pretend that he really cares about the American people, when he refuses to protect us at our borders. And, if we are attacked, just how mad we will get when he blames the American people, not himself.

Nobody Cares; Bush's wall of excuses has already crumbled.



Blogger Doug said...

Love your ideas, especially the Sherrif Arpaio one! In addition though, the offending president will be forced to wear pink underwear on national television -- Arpaio's calling card.

This will be considered severe punishment -- unless of course Barney Frank is ever elected president.

Great column!

12:18 AM  

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