Nobody Flashes! Amfortas For President: Interview!

Nobody’s Opinion: There are very few people on MND that do not know this man…a man who has daily been our friend, in an ineffaceable way, and never fails to illustrate that fact that his brain at least, does not stop thinking.

Mine on the other hand, stopped after reading all the answers to my “nobody” questions on what he would do if he were President of the United States.

I almost wished I had asked him his thoughts about Mars. (Another time perhaps)

Besides hopefully supplying us all with free beer, amfortas has come up with the most remarkable thoughts, about everything under the Ozone...proving my theory that I try to establish every day.

Nobody's Theory: In this world of nobodies, there are men (and women) that would make MUCH better leaders than the elite powers that are controlling the world now. (How we get these nobodies into power is beyond me.)

Anyway Amfortas would be one of them…so here is Amfortas for President…

My first exclusive interview with anybody. (Much thanks to the man for his time, his thoughts, and his joy in just being alive)

A man’s man…a woman’s man…

A man with a great heart, and indubitable opinions.

ENJOY! And give him hell, because that’s what we do in American politics!


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First Question: Mr. Amfortas, before we start, I must ask what “party” are you…a Democrat, a Republican, an Independent, or a greenie. In other words---how do you wish to run?

I will be running on the ‘Durn Furriner’ Ticket, Joy. This is a departure that takes us right back to the Founding Fathers who, as you know, weren’t Americans at all, until they invented the nationality. They were durn furriner Colonial Brits a couple of weeks before. Which is what we are. Full circle.

Second Question: As President, what would you do to save the utter hopeless educational system in America?

I have a policy worked out that I call ‘The New Orleans Strategy’. It involves a Policy Tsunami washing the lot away in a great cleansing flood and starting from scratch. I will have small lifeboats for the kiddies and the Uni students but with luck and a strong wind from all points most of all the teachers and professors will drown. Most of those that survive will be indicted for Agitprop crimes and child abuse. I have a list! Some will star in public trials and I will re-institute defenestration. Should be fun. All those ivory towers put to good use.

I also have heads on pikes in the back of my mind—I read about it in a book—see, you will have a literate President for a change—but we will see where we are after the first few month of year two. Year one will be a doozy, fully occupied. I strongly believe in the future of our children and the development of knowledge and skill, and we have to get back to basics to establish a firm foundation. Public education will beget public pillories and stocks for the intellectual and emotional abusers of our children.

Third Question: Do you think the war in Iraq was necessary, or do you think we should get out?

What is done is done. Necessity is usually followed by invention but as motherhood is held in such contempt these days (it will change) the only inventions we have seen so far are excuses rather than practical results. Lies have followed lies. Some incredibly inventive. Whole Departments of State appear to be in the invention game and it is going to STOP.

Our troops (well yours) have done a magnificent job of prosecuting war—the best in the world, some of them---damnably fast and efficient-but the current leadership in Washington have not a clue of how to prosecute a peace. I will be prosecuting a lot, I can promise you.

Iraq is a complete cock-up. I blame the Brits. If they had only listened to Colonel Lawrence we would not be in this god-awful mess. Had his head screwed on, that lad, even if he had a few strange personal habits. But in Iraq we are and we have to make the best of it.

Leave? Yes. Eventually. But there are many heads to bang together yet. Our Treasure is depleting and good men’s blood has been spilled. We need Victory. Nothing less is to be contemplated. Mark that.

Not that the Brit and American Politicians are the only stupid buggers. Those Arab Johnnies are damned thick too. We need to sit awhile and let them get on with wopping one another and wait until they are friggin’ exhausted and there are only four of them left. It should be a doodle after that. The usual under-manned, under equipped battalion should have little trouble. I am thinking ‘women.’ Great conflict managers, they tell me.

Fourth Question: Do you believe in marriage between a man and a woman? Would you let gays get married?

I am glad you asked that, Joy. Or should I call you Mistress Joyanna? I believe strongly in marriage. And fidelity. Men and women are a coupling made in heaven and I will cast into Hell-on-Alcatraz (I will be re-opening that place by the way) all those anti-Family Court scum that have done so much to destroy it. We may need a few more similar island prisons but I will make sure we don’t go down the old luxury apartment route.

The ‘old’ idea of marriage is what I have in mind. Vows, held to by adults. For better and for worse. No backsliding when the going inevitably gets a bit tough. In sickness and health. Marry a man, not a wallet. Marry a woman, not a mirage. Get some character and maturity before you even start.

None of this divorce at whim carnage. There is a lot to undo. Gays marrying? A pervert’s fantasy. No way. Not that I care a monkeys toss about this or that person’s sexual proclivities but Marriage is about love and male-female bonking and family, which means children. Children need a father and a mother; no ifs, not buts. No rampant single-motherhood nonsense either. Knickers up and knees together if you ain’t hitched.

My administration will get out of the Marriage business altogether. None of my damned business managing the process. Contract law is quite able to deal with it. Break your contract and you have to compensate your partner. There is nothing complicated about it. Equal dissolution by mutual agreement? Fine. No unilateralism. Take out what you put in and split the jointly developed assets as per input. No more of this corruption by lawyers and judges stripping family assets. No more massive payouts to crooked partners. Kids? You are both wholly, jointly, and severally totally responsible. Deal with it. Do it right or I will then step in and whack you. Poison their young minds against one or the other and its out a high friggin’ window, like a Professor.

My first 100 days will see a wholescale dismantling of the anti-Family Court, along with most other Courts too. There will be much gnashing of teeth, for those few legal carrion that retains their teeth. Corruption will be severely dealt with. I will be seeking out true men and women but expect to find only a few. There will be Appointments of ordinary sensible people to the Bench. Preferably heavy goods vehicle drivers and electrical linesmen. The words ‘Truth’ and ‘Justice’ will be brought out of retirement. All will be equal before the law and no particular group’s ‘interests’ will be put above another’s, even if they are only two foot tall or have genitals of a particular kind. Law will take its place as a subordinate of justice.

There will be much rejoicing by those on the Left, as, for a while, I will institute just the sort of Court processes they seem to love. Just for them. Secret Courts; guilty until they prove themselves innocent; the judicious use of accusation from all and sundry; no need for evidence; blind eye to perjury; lots of whimsical technicalities. Oh my. There will be fun for all. I might even televise some. They love that sort of thing. Reality TV.

Dispossession will be a normal base level punishment. Restitution and recompense for all that these parasites and thieves have abused, good people, mainly chaps as it happens, will take some time. The rest of some Judges and lawyers’ lives I imagine. Their families and friends are going to be thoroughly pissed off with them.

For the rest of ‘We the People’ it is back to the Magna Carta and Habeus Corpus. Justice, Truth. Equality.

And, er, you. Joy? Married?

Fifth Question: Did you have sex with that woman?

Joyanna! I may have done. I might not have. Either way it is ‘that woman’s’ business and mine. I am an honorable chap. I don’t kiss and tell and I don’t frig about. I don’t get into lying or prevaricating. If an interviewer was incautious enough to ask me about a lady, he/she should duck. Fast.

Sixth Question: Do you believe in term limits?

Yes. I need only one term. My Presidency will be a 4 year Tyranny. I will change the Nature of America; drag it, kicking and wailing if necessary, out of its adolescence and into Adulthood so that it can properly exercise the mature leadership that the world requires. It may be our turn to be the superpower de jour but so far we have acted like a spoiled child in a lolly shop. This will STOP.

I will focus almost entirely on internal matters of national Character. Of course there will be International matters to deal with but we will be restructuring the Home front and the world will just have to manage with our overview and note-taking for a year or two. By year three we will be in the position to kick arse with élan and acclaim. Lead like a leader.

At the end of my 4 year term of Office I will put it to the People that I be given a modest pension and exile to Tasmania, as my reward for good service; or shot. I don’t really mind which. Of course, a large pension just might enthuse me for a few years relaxation before cancer cuts me down. The bullet—or sword thrust—is a good warrior way to go.

Come to think of it, being shot while in Office is a bit of a Tradition in the USA, isn’t it?

Seventh Question: What are you reading at the moment?

The Fifth Miracle by Paul Davis. It’s my third read. He’s a smart lad who knows how to ask questions. If only that Parzival had been as bright I wouldn’t be sitting here with my friggin’ thigh leaking. And I have just enjoyed Bill Bryson’s Short History of nearly Everything. Again, again. He’s one of America’s really splendid examples to the world and a lovely chap to boot.

Eighth Question: As a former soldier, how do you feel about women in the armed forces?

Oh my goodness, Joy, you do know how to ask ‘em. It is time women took their proper place as adults just as men have for generations. It may mean a better, more fashionable range of body bags, but hey, its time we had a bit of good design. I might get Versace to submit some sketches. Wanna job?

I have served with and commanded women, Joy, (American women too) and I can assure you that they are just as vicious and nasty as men. And tough. And in need of control and direction. They will need the reins on just as men do. I will double the size of the Armed Forces, not just to reverse the decline of recent years and take the load off our dedicated young men, but to give the demanded equality and empowerment to women. Women will have the same Selective Service obligations as the men. No careers, no professional licenses, no driving licenses, no college without being signed up. I will have plenty of work for them to do. Plenty of opportunity for multi-tasking.

They will not, as they fear, have opportunity for sexual harassment. No outrageous claims permitted. They will be in all-female battle formations, trained and commanded by women. Touch ups or just ‘looking’ will be dealt with in-house around the back of the hangar, like the chaps do it. They will not have to rely on men risking their lives to protect them. There will be no more Jessicas hiding behind trucks while blokes around her take the bullets. Cry, and another woman will slap them around. Women are good at communicating. So they tell me.

American women are splendid, brave, intelligent. They can bleed as well as any man. They are courageous and can take the same wounds and maiming loss of limbs as any young boy can. Women should be encouraged to die for their country just as our boys have been encouraged for God knows how long. Women have a lot of catching up to do.

Hail to the Chief, ‘cause the Chief’s a nasty bastard.

He likes Eekwallitee and now it is your turn.

Ninth Question: As President, what kind of ruler would you in your opinion be?

I have no mumbo-jumbo Chrystal Ball. I cannot see the future. I resist impromptu opinion. But I have been on the mountain and I have seen the day when America will judge its President, not by his diminutive stature, his short, hairy legs, his flowing white beard which Lincoln would have kept a few slaves for, not by his nationality, or his double-barreled real name, not his pointy hat, not even by his Royal Rank, but by the Content of his Character.

I don’t pretend, even to myself, that most people are going to be happy with my rule, at first, so it will have to be by Presidential Fiat. Heads will roll and one or two might squeak a protest or two before the vocal chords get the chop. But think teenagers being grounded. It’s for their own good. You know it makes sense.

I shall have to ‘ground’ Congress for a few months and there may well be some promotions and pay rises in the Police forces. There will be a few recruitment opportunities there too. They will be given some latitude in dealing with crims that have previously untouchable, due to their ‘knowing’ people in high places, and there might be a bit of biffo internally too. But I have confidence that our boys in blue in our cities and hamlets will take to the job of being real American men at last with some gusto and happily do what is needed with the Judges and lawyers-their natural enemy. The crims will not have the luxury of spending their stolen and ill-gotten gains paying for lawyers to get them off. They won’t reach Court. There will be few Courts to reach anyway, most being very, very busy with internal matters. And lawyers will be thin on the ground. There might be some on television. Not real ones.

I will be friggin’ brill.

You’ll love me.

Look into my eyes, not to the side, in my eyes, here, look, deep, in my eyes, big, brown eyes, gorgeous eyes, deeper, don’t blink, relax, you are feeling sleepy……..

Tenth Question: Who are your favorite readers (not writers) on MND, and if you have any complaints, what would they be?

You are trying to see if I play favorites, you naughty woman. Hmmmmm. I appreciate the wit and vocabulary of Conservativation, even if I do not share his predisposition toward religious observance modes and can barely spell his name. I might even offer him some Cabinet cuff-links. Him and Bill Bryson. (I bet you didn’t know that Bill is an MND reader. I ain’t going to reveal his username though) There are several others that I learn a huge amount from and some who are first class researchers and debaters in their own right. Teri and TBQ, when they aren’t busy, are always good value and the Capt (DMO) is a grand fellow. Haven’t seen him around much.

I miss some who used to post a lot. Like the Gozman. His creative expressions are gems. His descriptive nomenclature should be taught at Uni. The readers who comment are the backbone of MND. Pity so many seem to have gone walkabout. At your insistence I won’t favour any particular writers but only say that many of them serve a great purpose and provide the stimulus that has made MND what it is. They are fine people, even if some of their ideas and positions are continually questioned. Even the looney ones.

I no complain. (Said in a Spanish accent)

11th Question: What is your opinion on globalization?

I know this is a sensitive issue with you, my dear. It is inevitable. Maybe a few hundred years away but nevertheless it has been a’coming, slowly, inexorably for ten thousand years.

Globalization is a buzz-word, an easy distraction word to dislike and be scared of, which prevents us thinking too deeply about what is happening in terms of Planetary maturity. The growth of trade is the obvious point of connection between nations and it is everyone’s own best interest to keep a finger on the pulse. That means monitoring and regulation. We are moving down that track. We have to get it right and trial and error has been going on since Bretton Woods. Again, corruption is a stumbling block.

The development of trading blocks, ‘free’ trade arrangements, the dissolution of bordors, the movements of peoples, is a reflection of that maturing process, moving the world from dependency on emotional reactivity by individual ‘leaders’, to independence from outrage, based on agreed protocol.

But it goes a lot, lot deeper, to a much more fundamental level than mere trade and international relations. We are moving beyond tribe and state and country and continental blocks, races, ‘people’, toward ‘Humanity’.

Almost accidentally we stumbled upon the protocols, the ‘information’ needed to build a brain. The Planet’s own destiny is at hand and the noosphere is laying down the ability for a single, united Planet to think. And while the basic building blocks are being put in place, the nodal interconnection, the internet, instant communication—between individuals and nations, you and me over 10,000 miles for instance—the developing Character of Humanity is being established by default. It is stuck in smut at the moment but maybe that’s reflective of biology. It is our task, this generation and the next, to set moral and intellectual and political and commercial—and dare I say it—Spiritual Characteristics in place.

That is the real challenge of Globalization. The Character of Humanity.

Now the Big question. Do you want that Character to be so easily definable as Republican or Democrat, or Feminist, or Communist, or Conservative, or Whatever? How about American, Chinese. Arab? Buddhist? Christian? Muslim?

Or would you be more comfortable and everyone at home with Honesty, Truthfulness, Integrity, Equality, Trust, Freedom, Love, Respect, the commonalities of good Character regardless of the National or political or religious leanings of individuals?

America is in the Grid position to set the standard it may take a while. But we have to eradicate our own corruption first. Painful.

12th Question: What do you think of the United Nations? A future World Government?

Another old hat organization well past its use-by date. At the time it was probably a good idea, but conditions have changed considerably and it has become one of the most corrupt organizations in the world. Criminals International. It has visions of itself as the World Guvmunt but fortunately it cannot organize a piss up in a brewery.

It is populated by the most appalling people who are totally committed to lining their own pockets. Dictators, tyrants, murderous scum, the worst of men and woman find their way to its halls and committees, where they sit on fat arses and the faces of the poor and oppressed. There is no threat of the UN ever governing a minor moon of Uranus.

I have a plan—it is revisable as it isn’t a huge priority. I would invite most of these awful people, Heads of State, Ambassadors, whatever to a huge UN Party / talkfest, the sort of thing they like, with a promise to give them all the money we have been withholding. We being the biggest financial contributor to their protection racket. Then I would tell the lot of them to fuck off again, empty handed, but with a warning that ‘We the People’ have their number and their game is up. I would have it televised world-wide. I have a great speech all prepared.

As for all the thousands of ‘Administrators’, Bureaucrats, Secretaries of this and that, I would stop housing them in NY, close down Geneva, and move the friggin’ lot to Zimbabwe. The Mugabe Sea Food Cocktail Bar and Gorilla Deli will get a bit of custom I dare say. But that is for the day after my Inauguration.

13th: What would you do about China?

Do? Oh deary me. This is so often the problem. ‘Do about’. It’s the ‘Durn Furriner’ problem isn’t it? The Chinese are human beings like you and me. Hey, some are even prettier than me. (You are lookin’ pretty fine yourself, if I might be bold momentarily). Notwithstanding the heretofore mentioned head-wacking and exodus of the UN, what I will do is try to live in peace with them, influencing them, as they will influence us, but with as much reason, understanding, firm principle and ‘our’ way as possible. It may be difficult if they prove nasty, as they have done in the past and sometimes present. It’s a bloody big place with four of them for every one of us (us being Americans, of course) but they are a fair old distance away. Buying up the place is worth a try. Get it while it’s cheap.

Rather than constantly interfering with them and meddling in this and that (same with many others) I will be restructuring our big stick and recharging our treasuries for when we are in a position to do something—if there is something we have to do that is, rather than adventuring off to do random violence for fun and profit.

But you have to remember that they are durn furriners and everyone who isn’t English is a durn furriner, even you. We are getting practice. We will need a big stick. The UN closing down should show what we mean.

Most countries we deal with, like China, are made up of people of differential Character. Some, most, are very corrupt. Morally, Intellectually, Politically, Commercially. So are we. While we deal with all these others from a base of similar corruption, we are unable to take leadership or set an example of excellence. We are unable to take the world forward. And that is America’s current destiny. It is our job.

It used to be boasted that the business of America is Business. This is very soul-limiting. That was when America was No three or four in the world. No 1 has different priorities and responsibilities. One’s needing Character.

America has to clean its own act up before we can preach to others. They are not going to listen otherwise. And the Chinese have big sticks too.

14th Question: How do you feel about universal health care?

The population of Sirius Major is against it and I listen to what they say. I get messages. (I am very well connected, Galactically, and they won’t speak to that Hillary woman). They don’t think we can cope, what with their digestive system and all. I think we have to just stick to ourselves for the moment and get it right. There is a lot to do.

To my mind it’s the corruption issue again rather than a political one. I have seen ‘National’ health care systems and ‘Private’ systems. Much of a muchness, frankly. Things get better technologically and skills-wise as time moves forward and minds work on medical issues, and money gets siphoned off by pencil-neck, rent-seeking bureaucrats, rapacious professionals and middle-ages Guilds of Mafioso in white coats. America has the best and worse of health care. It’s basically super-crap. More people go to Thailand for hospital treatment than come to the USA. We have top get rid of the corruption and provide care; provide good, effective (which may mean less financially efficient) service to ‘We the People’; organize the best effect.

Argue with me if you will but a nation has certain responsibilities to its People. Defense isn’t contracted out to Tony Soprano and Co (hah! Part of the Iraq problem again.) and there is a case for not contracting out health to Dr. Soprano et al either. Or Dr, Phan Fat Thurmaturanguwallah. When the mafia scum, rent-seeking, parasites are cleared out of public life the particular organizing principles will work. Whatever you choose. It’s the Character of the People that count.

15th Question: What is your biggest wish for mankind?

I have no specific wishes for mankind beyond ‘be nice’ and don’t poke that sharp stick in my friggin eye. We are here for a short time, individually. I am pretty sure that mankind has a Purpose and that Big G knows what it is. But I don’t. But were I to be so bold I would say that doing and being somewhat approximating to what Big G has in mind would be the best bet. Best ask what is on His mind rather than trying to invent the answer and fight over it...

Ask the question. Bloody Parzival again. He coulda been a contender.

16th Question: What will your campaign slogan be?

I am a ruler. I don’t do slogans. I hire folk for that. Still, I suppose we have to accommodate thickos with attention spans of milliseconds. What do you suggest to keep them happy?

What do ‘We the MND People’ think would be a good slogan?

The Holy Grail can be yours, by asking the right question.

(Look into my eyes, not to the side, in my eyes, here, look, deep, in my eyes, don’t blink, relax, you are feeling sleep……Say, ‘Would you please be our President, Amfortas?)