Bernard, Maureen, and Humpback Wales or Pigs and Peacocks
Nobody’s Opinion: Reading Bernie Chapin's fun column today on MND about men, women, sex, and Maureen Dowd’s obviously ridiculous opinions on life, got me to thinking, about “sex” and that absurd quote from Maureen about Hillary:
“She was kind enough to let Bill hide behind her skirts when he got in trouble.”
Kind enough? How silly. She just didn’t want to give up trips around the world on Air Force One.
Maureen is very vain, and full of herself. I’m not sure I’d call her a “pig.” More like a peacock in drag.
Anyway, I usually try not to think about all this sex stuff, but it does give me good laughs when I do. And I must say, I always come to the same conclusion…when it comes to sex, guys have it MUCH worse---in the long run that is.
For instance: I have a male friend who recently told me, almost with a shameful admission, that he had masturbated six times that week, instead of having “sex.” (I’m from the old school and not real good talking about masturbation of any kind so bear with me on this.) All the while I’m thinking, “The guy is so old and homely…do I tell him that his changes of having sex are as about as good as me becoming the next Tiger Woods?”
But here’s the catch. This guy actually was trying to tell me he could have had sex---as if thousands of women would have jumped to his beck and call with the snap of his fingers, but due to his benevolent consciousness he refused them all---when in fact, he has had his picture up on several dating services websites for two years, and not one bite.
Not one. Even though the picture he posted was taken when he was in his thirties and he looks like a young Elliot Gould dressed as John Travolta in Staying Alive. He even has a white sweat band around his head and a bicycle at his side.
No wonder Olivia-Newton-John didn’t call.
Oh…wait. There was one bite he said, from a great-looking dynamite older woman who had two mansions in Kansas City. He met her, and they got along great.
“Well, for Pete’s sake…why didn’t you latch on to that one? Are you crazy? Women marry for money all the time, why let that hold you back? ”
Well, he just couldn’t see himself sitting around the pool being her sexual slave. Masturbation was just going to have to contain him.
What he didn’t want to admit to me was that he likes young and beautiful women and will except nothing less. She was great looking, had money, but she was not twenty-two.
He’s sixty-five. He has had two bouts with cancer, diabetes, and who knows what secret sexual diseases.
Uh…hello? Where’s the game plan here?
Now, from a logical point of view---the man is just plain stupid. Looking at himself and his bodily functions---doing a complete analysis of his goals in life and their consequences should he continue down the road to hedonism and all it’s glory, had never been considered.
In fact, his head is usually so full of porn that most logical thoughts have a hard time squeezing in between his synapses.
I’ve known a few men like this. They follow nature and the latest playboy issue like the migratory patterns of the humpback whale. They want to taste all the wares in the world and practically die each time they miss a “potential” mark. They grow old, and die very lonely.
Nobody misses them.
But they’ve had a hell of a sex life. Thousands of weekends with women they had no clue what their names were. During the women’s liberation movement, it was also put out that it was man’s proclivity as a natural animal to spread his seed biologically…he just can’t help himself.
Hey, get that through your head girls. We want more than one. It’s our right.
Well…okay, but then why whine when the girl thinks; if that’s your right, then it’s my right to grab all your money and be off, because it’s my “biological” right to feed the kids and find a mate that will support “me and the kids.”
After all, women are nesters. They can’t help themselves, can they now?---Biologically speaking of course.
If they don’t find a man, they nest in their careers.
Myself---I think when Moses saw that this proclivity of man’s attraction to various swiveling hips marching in the sands ahead of him was wreaking the tribes chances of getting through the desert in one piece, he thought to himself;
“Gee, that ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ really helped keep the tribe in better order. So glad I got it on stone.”
And this applied to both sexes.
Now, this is not to say there are not as many slut-puppy women as men, but they usually go into prostitution. (In the US)
Dr. Jonas Salk once told me that he and his brother both agreed that it’s in our very DNA for the “good-looking” women to be attracted and search for the “good-looking” virile male, who would give her food, shelter, and children.
Well, duh.
Whatever you believe about the whole issue, economics play a much more important part then many will admit. Since divorces are so high…both sexes have to work even more just to get by. Things have gotten a whole lot more complicated.
All I can say is that I married a man twelve years younger than me, and at the time that I met him, I wasn’t thinking about his paycheck…trust me.
“She was kind enough to let Bill hide behind her skirts when he got in trouble.”
Kind enough? How silly. She just didn’t want to give up trips around the world on Air Force One.
Maureen is very vain, and full of herself. I’m not sure I’d call her a “pig.” More like a peacock in drag.
Anyway, I usually try not to think about all this sex stuff, but it does give me good laughs when I do. And I must say, I always come to the same conclusion…when it comes to sex, guys have it MUCH worse---in the long run that is.
For instance: I have a male friend who recently told me, almost with a shameful admission, that he had masturbated six times that week, instead of having “sex.” (I’m from the old school and not real good talking about masturbation of any kind so bear with me on this.) All the while I’m thinking, “The guy is so old and homely…do I tell him that his changes of having sex are as about as good as me becoming the next Tiger Woods?”
But here’s the catch. This guy actually was trying to tell me he could have had sex---as if thousands of women would have jumped to his beck and call with the snap of his fingers, but due to his benevolent consciousness he refused them all---when in fact, he has had his picture up on several dating services websites for two years, and not one bite.
Not one. Even though the picture he posted was taken when he was in his thirties and he looks like a young Elliot Gould dressed as John Travolta in Staying Alive. He even has a white sweat band around his head and a bicycle at his side.
No wonder Olivia-Newton-John didn’t call.
Oh…wait. There was one bite he said, from a great-looking dynamite older woman who had two mansions in Kansas City. He met her, and they got along great.
“Well, for Pete’s sake…why didn’t you latch on to that one? Are you crazy? Women marry for money all the time, why let that hold you back? ”
Well, he just couldn’t see himself sitting around the pool being her sexual slave. Masturbation was just going to have to contain him.
What he didn’t want to admit to me was that he likes young and beautiful women and will except nothing less. She was great looking, had money, but she was not twenty-two.
He’s sixty-five. He has had two bouts with cancer, diabetes, and who knows what secret sexual diseases.
Uh…hello? Where’s the game plan here?
Now, from a logical point of view---the man is just plain stupid. Looking at himself and his bodily functions---doing a complete analysis of his goals in life and their consequences should he continue down the road to hedonism and all it’s glory, had never been considered.
In fact, his head is usually so full of porn that most logical thoughts have a hard time squeezing in between his synapses.
I’ve known a few men like this. They follow nature and the latest playboy issue like the migratory patterns of the humpback whale. They want to taste all the wares in the world and practically die each time they miss a “potential” mark. They grow old, and die very lonely.
Nobody misses them.
But they’ve had a hell of a sex life. Thousands of weekends with women they had no clue what their names were. During the women’s liberation movement, it was also put out that it was man’s proclivity as a natural animal to spread his seed biologically…he just can’t help himself.
Hey, get that through your head girls. We want more than one. It’s our right.
Well…okay, but then why whine when the girl thinks; if that’s your right, then it’s my right to grab all your money and be off, because it’s my “biological” right to feed the kids and find a mate that will support “me and the kids.”
After all, women are nesters. They can’t help themselves, can they now?---Biologically speaking of course.
If they don’t find a man, they nest in their careers.
Myself---I think when Moses saw that this proclivity of man’s attraction to various swiveling hips marching in the sands ahead of him was wreaking the tribes chances of getting through the desert in one piece, he thought to himself;
“Gee, that ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ really helped keep the tribe in better order. So glad I got it on stone.”
And this applied to both sexes.
Now, this is not to say there are not as many slut-puppy women as men, but they usually go into prostitution. (In the US)
Dr. Jonas Salk once told me that he and his brother both agreed that it’s in our very DNA for the “good-looking” women to be attracted and search for the “good-looking” virile male, who would give her food, shelter, and children.
Well, duh.
Whatever you believe about the whole issue, economics play a much more important part then many will admit. Since divorces are so high…both sexes have to work even more just to get by. Things have gotten a whole lot more complicated.
All I can say is that I married a man twelve years younger than me, and at the time that I met him, I wasn’t thinking about his paycheck…trust me.
Did that make me a slut? Oh-oh, move over, Maureen.
Okay, what was I just saying?
The difference between my friend and I is…he is a man.
And I am so glad I’m not.
Nobody’s Perfect: Do not take anything I say seriously when outside of politics.
Nobody Knows: The Saudi men believe in having four wives---so of course they outnumber the western world’s population by billions. But then, they can afford them can’t they? Yes, polygamy has served them well. They've had so much sex, they did not develop a single invention for over two thousand years due to being so busy. It took the American and British men to set up their oil fields.
Nobody Wins: Hey, maybe polygamy is the plan…puts you right back into the dark ages. The more busy men are...the less they pay attention.
Nobody Cares: The duration of morning erection in humans 36-40 years old is 40.62 minutes according to Alfred C. Kinsey, who spent many an hour recording it.
See what I mean? It only takes a woman 39 minutes to put on her makeup.
Okay, what was I just saying?
The difference between my friend and I is…he is a man.
And I am so glad I’m not.
Nobody’s Perfect: Do not take anything I say seriously when outside of politics.
Nobody Knows: The Saudi men believe in having four wives---so of course they outnumber the western world’s population by billions. But then, they can afford them can’t they? Yes, polygamy has served them well. They've had so much sex, they did not develop a single invention for over two thousand years due to being so busy. It took the American and British men to set up their oil fields.
Nobody Wins: Hey, maybe polygamy is the plan…puts you right back into the dark ages. The more busy men are...the less they pay attention.
Nobody Cares: The duration of morning erection in humans 36-40 years old is 40.62 minutes according to Alfred C. Kinsey, who spent many an hour recording it.
See what I mean? It only takes a woman 39 minutes to put on her makeup.
Labels: life
posted by Joyanna Adams at 9:09 PM
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