Nobody's Absurdities, No 61--Nobody Deals With More Than One

Nobody's Absurdities, No. 61

Today all I could think about was getting older, and how it’s not just the body aches, loss of memory, getting those constant letters from AARP, or the fact that I can just look at a pizza on TV and gain four pounds that gets under my skin

I can put up with all that stuff.

What I’m having a problem with is the fact that, when I was twenty, I didn’t know a whole lot about the world, nor did I care, and life was so less stressful.

In fact, most of the time, it all made perfect sense.

Once you have children, absurdities come in almost on the hour…like Nolan Ryan fast balls. After the kids are grown and gone, they come every five minutes, give or take a few seconds.

So, here in random order are some crazy thoughts about all kinds of absurdities that just happen to come into my brain without any warning today.

Prepare yourself---as they say, “One man’s ceiling is another man’s ketchup bottle.”

Or as my brother said so eloquently this weekend to a woman whose kid squealed for over 30 minutes in a department store that he was trying to shop in;

“Hey, I’m old…shut your kid up.”

Actually, he didn’t say that---what he did say was: “Lady, what is it exactly about this situation that you don’t get?”

I would have taken the first approach. Getting old has its rewards.

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Now that we have all gotten over the fact that, “Hey, there is actually a NORMAL politician alive on this planet!”… isn’t it totally absurd that millions of Americans who did not like John McCain’s upcoming plans to give amnesty to millions of Mexicans, go along with the global warming crowd, and put lots of liberal Democrats in his cabinet, and so were not going to vote for him, have now changed their minds in hope that Sarah will eventually become President after we become little Mexico?

Do you think the Mexicans will play hockey?

Will Sarah Palin actually be able to turn John McCain into the conservative that she is and save our country?

Nah.

In fact, due to my no longer being ‘young’….and since I don’t trust our government, I think what they are doing is kind of--- mean. Like promising your kid a trip to the toy store if he will just come inside, and then once you get him in, you tell him it’s too late to go.

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And it gets more absurd. The Republicans just get back their base, with the miracle of Sarah Palin, and what do they do? Does John McCain lie like Obama? Noooooo.....

He goes on Meet the Press and talks about how he is going to bail out Fannie Mae, and redistribute everyone’s money and put lots of liberals in his cabinet, and says that eventually the American people will get that five-trillion dollar “bailout” back.

Boy, I can’t wait for my check, can you? That a boy, John…get those Hillary voters!

This means John could pick, if you go by his own words: Joe Lieberman as Secretary of Defense, Robert Kennedy overlooking a brand new Homeland Global Warming Department, and Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. Just for good measure, I wouldn’t doubt if he gives Maggie the Almighty Albright Homeland Security.

I can’t wait. If that happens, I’m not wearing glasses ever again.

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Oprah was in the National Enquirer last week because she has gained her weight back and according to the writer of the article she is thinking about not having her pictures airbrushed ever again. (?)…again…(?)

And she made this statement:

“I made a decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates.” after she had already launched Obama on her show into the National Platform.

Now, she refuses to have Sarah Palin on her show, because Sarah is hurting her new crush, Obama.

That’s okay Oprah---keep building those free houses. In fact, don’t just give free cars to the people in your audience, give one to every American!

We need to know you care!

Then ask us to vote for Obama--- It’s the American way!

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And who cannot love this one: The Iranians want Obama to be elected so that Islam will conquer the United States. Now, here’s what’s really absurd. There have been many well documented statements made by radical Muslims that because Obama’s name is a Muslim name, certain Muslims that want the United States destroyed want Obama elected.

Allah is working overtime.

I don’t know what’s more absurd…having a man named Obama Hussein running for President or the Muslims radicals thinking because his name is Obama he will turn the country to Islam.

I mean, come on…just because some radical Muslim billionaire helped get Obama into Harvard…really.

And why are we, as Americans putting up with this? We should demand for him to change his name, to HONOR the American people and the office that he aspires to.

If his name was Adolf Hitler, would we put up with it?

After all, movie stars do it all the time. Legally, it’s very simple. If he really wanted to be popular, he could change it to Chris Columbus, Harry Truman, or George Washington.

He’s says he’s Christian…pick a Christian name and prove it.

What? Am I the only one with guts enough to say this?

Is everyone afraid of acting like an American? (Sarah, you have inspired.)

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And in the absurdities, a Nobody's Flash:

My neighbor’s daughter lives in Alaska, and the whole family just loves Sarah Palin. They told me today that their daughter has a nurse friend that was in the delivery room when Sarah had her last baby…the autistic child that someone (was it Michael Moore?) claims is really her teenager daughter’s.

Okay--- that’s it. Michael Moore needs to get pregnant. He could do a movie about his sex change. I would pay top dollar to see it. In fact, he should have Castro’s baby, in Castro’s great hospital.

You might be scared to know, I actually don’t think that’s too far-fetched.

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And on the American health front…did you know that they give rat poison to people who have blood clots? It’s true, according to my doctor. Warfarin is rat poison. He even laughed at this bit of wonderful information. It’s the only thing that thins the blood.

Is it me…or could somebody maybe have been working on developing a drug that wasn’t rat poison to give to people with blood clots?

And did you know that more people die of blood clots every year than AIDS and breast cancer combined!

Okay, major killer--- give them rat poison---don’t talk about it. Shsssss-- not a concern.

And you think I’m crazy?

Do I smell a conspiracy theory here?

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Here’s an absurdity that certainly deserves a bit of rat poison.

In all the tabloids they almost always have two movie diva’s wearing the same dress…and then they have a caption which says which one looks the best. It’s in every tabloid. Go ahead; pick one up if you don’t believe me.

They act like these actresses just happen to wear the same dress, every time they step out of the house.

I say they PAY these actresses to do this stunt. My friends (wait---I have no friends) think I’m nuts.

Hand me my walker, I feel like beating a few dandelions.

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Okay, one more.

Angelina Jolie just had twins. They have colic. She is not getting any sleep. It’s so horrible the way she is suffering she might have to break down and adopt another older child from North Korea to be their mother so she can get some sleep.

Wait--- she has four nannies, and a nurse and doctor in the next room 24/7…

So why it is again that she is not sleeping?

By now I’m sure you want to know what keeps me from collapsing into a heap of melted fluoride from the absorption of so much daily absurdity.

Here it is: Angelina Jolie one day… will be sixty-one.

So, when thinking about age, it’s nice to know, I’m not alone. I can grow old gracefully knowing that I will be able to witness Angelina’s future plastic surgery.

Now, where did I put that article on senility?