Nobody's Absurdities, No. 14

Nobody’s Opinion; This is a picture of me in Las Vegas. I was standing in the Caesar’s Palace shopping mall, next to a wax figure of a drummer from “The Blue Man Group.” Now--- I’ve heard they put on a good show, but at $135 a person, we decided to pass it up, because we wanted to actually eat some food while on vacation.

The reason I have that stupid smile on my face is that some very rich women were passing by and actually thought that the man I was standing with was real. They were staring at me while this picture was being taken and saying some pretty absurd things.

Being the nobody that I am, I couldn’t believe that some men with a lot of money had married these women, because obviously, if a performer can get $135 a ticket for one night of work, he is not going to stand around in a mall all day with blue paint on his face.

They had obviously spent too much time at Wolfgang Puck’s.

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According to some guy on Michael Savage tonight, there is a terrorist here with nuclear “backpacks” who came across the Mexican border, and he is here in the states ready to detonate these bombs whenever we attack Iran. The blasts, according to this guy, will be as big as Hiroshima. They’ve picked out five cities.

Paducah, Kentucky is not one of them.

And even though he is on the FBI’s most wanted list, Bush and Cheney are listed above him evidently.

Some manager at a Denny’s tried to turn the terrorist in to the FBI…but the FBI didn’t want him.

If this is true, it can explain why our leaders are acting so careful about not offending anyone Muslim…and it also means that we might soon find out if the theory that rats can survive nuclear holocausts is really true, because that is all that will be left of New York.

After hearing this, I was certainly ready for something to laugh at, and there it was…

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Brad Pitt is not going to marry Angelina Jolie until all gays can get married.

I’ve heard some lame excuses for guys not getting married, but this one is the best. Brad Pitt, the new architect of New Orleans, has joined the Beelzebub hating Sean Penn in saving the world, doing his part in helping to curb overpopulation growth by sacrificing his own wedding vows for people that cannot reproduce. How noble.

So, what is he going to do next? Save the mussels from Prozac?

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Speaking of Hollywood “saviors,” Jane Fonda is getting together with the woman who started it all…Gloria Steinem, to start a radio program for woman. They said; “Woman want useful information.”

Oh God…yeah, all that useful information like how to put your couch in the wind, with the right color, and how to put silicone in your breasts even though the women’s movement was totally against the “bimbo” look…unless of course you are Jane Fonda, the health guru, who’s husband Ted Turner at the time wanted bigger ones.

Nobody calls Jane on the radio…”Hey Jane---Why did you get the boob job, when all those years you were telling all us girls out here how to take care of our bodies and never put anything but pure stuff into them, to be healthy… and boob jobs were dangerous you said. You said that we could make our bodies and boobs be all that they could be by just exercising?”

Jane...”Well…here’s Rosie to give you some tips on cleaning!”

Nobody…”Hi Rosie…can you tell me how to clean my new gun the Feng Shui way? Rosie…?”

Steinem, who started probably the most boring magazine ever produced besides TV guide, will tell how she had to take care of her mother and how rough it was, and how men are like fish---you have to clean them up before you take them for a bike ride.

Wait... I can’t remember…did she say men were like fish? Or like bikes? I forget.

And to show their intellectual strength, they plan to host a woman named Morgan who once said, “White males are most responsible for the destruction of human life and environment on the planet today.”---forgetting that it was a white male that created her own lovely feminist self.

After considering this fact, I suggest we find the man and throw him in prison.

Like Katie Coric, who lost half her audience after everyone saw her white suit, this radio free program for woman to bash the world and Bush, therefore making way for their messiah Hillary, will probably give even more great material for Limbaugh and Hannity.

I can’t wait.

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In more absurd news today, the secretary of the Air Force, Michael Wynn, wants to test out non-lethal weapons on the citizens here in the United States before using them on any enemies.

God forbid we hurt some Hezbollah.

I think he should get Katie, Gloria, and Jane to line up on “the View” and try some of those non-lethal weapons out! Good idea! Jane can go first due to the extra protection.

And since Howard Dean is mad about some of the college students at the University of Michigan who are having a great time shooting BB’s and paint guns at pictures of Hillary and John Kerry, why not let the students test some of these non-lethal weapons on the real people?

I’m sure they would be happy to help out. After all, Kerry is a great veteran, and Hillary is a hawkette. They would both surely agree that using these weapons on our enemies before being properly tested would be discrimination of the poor poverty stricken misunderstood Palestinians.

Okay, I’m not myself quite yet. I’m just joshing. We should, like the guy said, try the weapons out on regular citizens. To suggest we use our elite politicians instead might land me in jail.

And in true Brad Pitt fashion, I refuse to go to jail, unless all elected officials who have committed crimes go first. I can be noble too.

Nobody’s Perfect; If you read my last blog, this thing about the trade towers collapsing has got me thinking. (That alone could be dangerous.) Most engineers, like the good readers that commented, (thanks guys) say that yes…these buildings could go down with the heat of the planes.

Then I turn on CNN today and there are three guys who posted a video on the internet about the towers detonating instead of collapsing.

Giving it more thought, there is another theory going around that they were brought down for insurance purposes. Well, there’s a pragmatic thought.

So, the regular layman just cannot dismiss what he sees, and yet the engineer uses his knowledge to see the possibility. An ex-navy seal demolition guy I know says it was detonated. So. Can we hear from some detonation guys out there? Anyone?

I need more input on this. I just love input…ask my husband.

Nobody Knows; Of course this subject lead my nobody brain to start thinking about “experts.” I remember trying once to convince the three top neurologists at a hospital that my mother was NOT brain dead after a stroke. They all insisted after all their tests; it was their ultimate and final expert conclusion...

My mother was talking to me at the time. Still, they insisted she was brain dead, worthless. They said her saying things like “Why are they doing this to me?” was a simple brain reaction…she was brain dead.

It wouldn’t have mattered but, when you are declared “brain dead” by a hospital, they take you off all life support.

It took an Indian lady doctor to dispute them. She grabbed my mother’s hand and talked to her…they held up three fingers to her face while she was in a coma.

I learned from this that nowadays, sometimes the experts don’t know everything.

For instance-- for all the global warming scientists that insist that man is causing ‘global warming,” you can find just as many who dispute it all.

So, I am going to continue to think on this. What I should have said is that I do remember a fireman on 9/11, saying that he was on the 45th floor when he heard what he was sure was bomb denotations.

And how in the world did a crew of firemen survive on the bottom floor of the first tower when it collapsed?

Questions…questions….good thing I’m not painting myself blue anytime soon.

Nobody Cares; Michigan is going to try to pass a mandatory law saying that all girls going to school will have to have the vaccine against cervical cancer.

Somewhere in Florida a town has ruled that the police can come in and get any of your property they want in an emergency.

The federal educations department has decided that since tens of thousands of our teachers can’t even pass the tests in their own subjects, they should just drop the rules of having smart teachers teach our children.

After all, 40,000 jobs have been lost in the Air Force. Having well-fed and soon to be blind teachers (today it was also reported that obesity causes blindness) is much more important for our country, and a very kind decision, because these teachers will not see the bombs coming.

Is this absurd enough?