Nobody's Absurdities, No. 18...Golfing With Politics

Nobody’s Opinion; There’s only one thing that comes to mind with the number 18, and that’s the 18th hole in the game of golf. Any golfer knows that’s the final moment of glory, when you’re tied with your buddy--- you sink your putt, and he misses and you are the superior God in the universe for the rest of the day.

And he hates it.

Golf is one of the most wondrous inventions of Western Civilization, ask any anyone who has ever had a perfect shot or putt. But then again, it’s also an absurd game because billions are spent by people (mostly men) who year after year, keep trying to perfect the impossible idea that you can hit a small ball with sticks into very small holes, and with consistency.

Not exactly the same as spending that same amount of time in something more meaningful to society like…inventing the next new fuel energy source...but for the masses, it seems to work

So, in honor of the game of golf, which is much more sporting than the jihad’s game of throat slitting, and another reason to save Western civilization, I decided to have fun with the “absurdities” in the news this week, by setting up a little fantasy game …a round of 18 holes of golf politics.

We’ll have a pair off between the Democrats against the Republicans; nobody gets a handicap, because in this Nobody’s Opinion, they all start off with pretty big ones.

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Coming up to the first tee shot is R-Mark Foley, who is playing against D-Barney Franks, both men are gay.

Mark is the worst golfer on the Republican’s team. He is one of those guys that are always invited along because he is so bad; he makes everyone else feel good. He never gets the ball in the air. His tee shots are usually pretty lame and straight down the middle, rolling along the ground. Mark the Fooley has been shooting straight down the middle for quite some time by introducing legislation to impose tough penalties on people who use the internet in an “obscene” way.

Around the fifteenth it was found out he was cheating on the score card, and putting the moves on his fourteen-year-old caddy, who got so fed up with it, he walked off, and that was back on the fifth hole.

Barney Franks, another gay Congressman, is a much better player, because he once ran a homosexual brothel in his apartment and nobody ever made a big deal out of it. Why? Because it was OFF the golf course---in this game, what’s happens on the golf course, stays on the golf course. You're only fair game when you are so bad they kick you off the team.

Barney has connections to the Mafia, and knows where all the bodies lie. In fact, that’s why he makes most of his putts.

The Mafia (which has always, with almost no exceptions due to Jimmy Hoffa being buried under the 18th hole---voted democratic) is now being investigated by the FBI for helping Osama bin Laden.

Osama owns the golf course, in fact, his family built it, but he’s never around. In fact, no one knows where he is.

So, Barney is still playing. Nobody can usually stand Barney, due to his loud mouth and his habit of talking just when you are trying to make a long putt, but he always has a lot of beer and bad jokes, and is very entertaining.

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Teeing up after Barney Franks and Mark Foley is Bob Woodward and Donald Rumsfield.

Bob, who is playing today for the democrats, drives everyone crazy. He takes the longest time to hit the ball. He takes practice swing after practice swing, and if Bob is playing, nobody gets home before dark. Bob’s the big gossip: it would be okay if he didn’t talk so damn slow, it takes him hours to complete the first paragraph.

And he is always complaining about something…the guy is never happy, even if he makes par.

On the front nine Bob is doing good, he gets a few birdies, talks about how no one in President Bush’s Cabinet approved of the Iraq war, and how the President had the audacity not to take instruction from his (unelected) chief of staff, Andy Card.

He keeps talking about how the boys are being attacked every 15 minutes.

Bob really doesn’t like to play golf; he just goes so he can talk. The game means nothing to him. And everyone has noticed he always disappears when it’s time to pay. He comes in, goes into the men’s room for 45 minutes, and comes out when the bill has already been paid. He does it every time, it’s the only time he’s quiet. (That’s where he writes his books, and where he met Deep Throat.)

Coming up to the sixteenth hole, Bob has got his democratic team in the lead, because Mike Wallace had him on 60 minutes where he followed up his first two books, Bush at War and Plan of Attack, with Kissinger is BACK! No Fear, No victory!

To Bob it’s all how you play the game, winning is not important.

Ronald Rumsfeld is teamed up with Bob today. And while Bob continues to talk his ear off, Rumsfeld just quietly plays his shots. Rumsfeld has a great drive off the tee. He almost always plants it near the flag. They were playing even up until the sixteenth hole, and then Rumsfeld simply said “I won’t resign.”

This upset Bob so much he got a double boogey, and falling one stroke behind, he eventually lost to Ronald on the 18th.

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Next, coming to the tee, we have R-Arnold Schwarzenegger, against D- Howard Dean.

Arnold is a god on the golf course; all the men secretly hate him. He drives are always at least 350 off the tee, and his chip shots amaze even the old pros.

If a tree gets in his way, he just pulls it out of the ground. If he cheats, no one will say a word. And Arnold is having a great game today, because he vetoed the bill that was trying to get rid of the Electoral College in his state, because he realizes that to get rid of the Electoral College makes the whole game unfair, and unequal. He tries to play by the rules…

Unlike his match up, Howard Dean. Dean--- the hacker. Dean golf swing makes even the squirrels run and hide. Every single time he takes a shot, at least four pounds of turf and grass go up into the air after he hits. He leaves big pot marks in all the fairways, and that is why he is hated by the greens keeper.

Today he is bribing his Hispanic caddy into cheating on the scorecard, by mailing it in.

By the sixth hole, he has already lost to Arnold, giving the Republicans a clear lead.

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And last to tee-off, is a guy who might run for President, R-Newt Ginric, who is matched up with the other guy who actually is going to run, D-Hillary Clinton.

Despite what everyone thinks, Newt and Hillary are fast friends and love to play together. They’re both average golfers, but it doesn’t matter because they are playing for the business connections. They go to make the deals.

Newt had a good start today, but around the 13th hole, he hit into some trees. And then he got laid up in the sand trap. To get out, he tries to use his seven-iron. He thinks it would be a good idea for the taxpayers to start paying all kids from the seventh grade on up with taxpayer’s money--- if they make B’s and A’s in math and science.

Hillary loves this idea so much; she gets in the sand trap with him. She wants to pass a SHINE ACT, where all newborn babies in the United States will be screened for disease.

Instead of using the proper club, by stopping all the diseases coming into the country with all the adult illegal immigrants, she tries using a putter to try to get out of the deep sand. It takes her nine shots, but Newt says…”Oh, we won’t count those, nobody is looking.”

As they hit up to the green, Newt comes very close to sinking his putt, but he misses. Hillary says with a smile, “That’s a gimmie.” Newt smiles…they both enjoy the bonding so much, it takes them some time to catch up to the group.

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On the last hole, everyone is counting up their scores. It’s a tie, but they need a winner, because they all have their limo’s waiting, they have to go on vacation. So they decide to ask a pro to decide.

Tiger Woods, walks into the clubhouse. He has just won his sixth straight victory on the PGA Tour…and he says, “Wow, look who’s here”

Newt walks up to Tiger and says, “You know, we’ve got to all take off, but, would you do us a favor and decides who won the tournament today?”

Tiger takes the card, counts the strokes, and says. “Hey, it seems to be a tie.”

“But,” he says, “Bill Clinton does cheat on his golf scores, so I have to say for now, the Republicans win.”

Hillary yells, “That’s not fair! He’s not even here!”

“No,” says Tiger, “But he is on your team.”

Howard yells…”That’s ok-we have a rematch coming up in 2008. You guys won’t stand a chance, because I’m going to provide Hispanic caddies for the whole team.”

Arnold just shakes his head.

Everyone leaves…they all had fun. Tiger walks over to a man, sitting in the shadows. He sits down, order a Pepsi.

“Well, the man says, you did that well.”

“Yeah,” said Tiger. “Eagles’ are sweet. I do love to play golf.”


Nobody’s Perfect; Colin Powell said today that he warned Bush of the impending insurgency in Iraq, but President Bush didn’t listen. Did Powell also warn him of our satellites being attacked continuously by China’s missiles? What game is Powell playing now?

Nobody Knows; Can you believe they snuck in a “you can’t gamble on the internet” law into the homeland security bill that was just signed? What has gambling got to due with al-Quada? Is this the Mafia connection again? Is Las Vegas next?

Nobody Cares; I was a real golf brat. The only day my father didn’t play golf was when there was at least four feet of snow on the ground. Two feet was a go. Two feet could melt. All you needed for a good game was a couple of wool sweaters.