Meet Me In the 11th Dimension

Nobody's Opinon; This was written in July of 2005, but my opinion (or fantasy) on the perfect man and woman relationship has not changed....for all the men.

There are two different stories in the news today that somehow in my twisted mind seemed connected.

One was Jose Coseco, who was talking about his gargantuan sexual activities while playing in the major leagues, thereby pissing off a whole league of men, who did not want the obvious to be obviously declared about their prolific and vast regalements of one night stands and mistresses. After all, American men have prided themselves on tight-lips, unless you’re trying to end a politician’s career.

The other didn’t get much play. It seems that all the physicists in the world had finally found the meaning of EVERYTHING. This puzzle was put together by a woman physicist. (darn!) She found out, by building upon the years of hard work of the men before her, that if you just go mathematically on up to the 11th dimension---Eureka! All the theories of the universe make sense!! String Theory, Einstein’s theories, The Big Bang…it all comes together! And voila!! There it was. Michio Kako was so elated he was literally spinning on ice!

Which got me to thinking…if they can figure out how the universe works, why can’t our top physicists figure out how to make men and woman more compatible?

What is the quintessence of true love?

Just where is the 11th dimension of Eros?
(Inquiring minds and Brad Pitt want to know.)

Many of our finest minds have weighed in on the subject:

Jane Austen (1775-1817)…”One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.” (Mars and Venus predated by pudding and plums.)

Marcus Aurelius (121-180 AD)…“Sexual intercourse is merely internal attrition and the spasmodic secretion of mucus.” (spasmodic?)

Al Gore (still here, there, and everywhere)…“Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” (A lesson well learned by the U.S. Senate impeachment of President Bill Clinton)



And let’s not forget Shakespeare who had plenty to say on the subject:

Shakespeare (1564-1616: “Men are April when they woo, December when they wed; maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives.” (Men are April?)

AND, “Do you not know I am a woman? When I think, I must speak?” (This mystery has bothered every man since Eve started talking about the apple.)

Our great educational system has decided to force generation after generation of poor high school students to endure Romeo and Juliet’s answer to the question of young love denied by society…which is…just killing yourself. Thank God our kids are getting smarter and making it through the graduation ceremonies just pregnant instead of poisoned.

So despite our best minds the mysteries and histories of the everyday interaction of the two sexes, no matter where they live, what nationality, what point in history, or what movie or book tries to solve the problem of the ultimate love affair, now in 2005, it’s obvious we have not come any further in our ponderings. The perfect love is as rare as winning the Powerball lottery. As rare as having your children turn out exactly how you wanted. In fact, most women are happy to find someone who comes home every night sober and mows the lawn once in a while, never mind perfection. Men are happy when permitted to play golf…and maybe get to see some skin when the hot flashes appear under the flannel pajamas. Perfection only happens on Oprah Winfrey, or on Mars.

And since no conclusions have evolved besides the obvious continued propagation of the species, I think, perhaps it’s time those physicists should have a crack at it. If they can mathematically prove something so esoteric as time and space, the quintessence of the ultimate love affair should prove easy, dimensionally speaking.

Jose was in the first dimension of love. Girls were a big smorgasbord to fulfill his steroidal appetite. All this took place while he was married…but here’s the kicker: when his second wife left him and took up with another ballplayer, he was so despondent he wanted to end his life. His despondency was not over any guilt or remorse of the countless hours of any despair he might have caused her, nooooo…it was over the fact that some other athlete had beat him out. He lost the world series of love to another rival, which is the worst thing in the world that can happen in the first dimension of love.

Hmmmm.. Jose is the quintessential example of the differences in the way men and woman look at love.

Is Testosterone the main reason for the way humans look at life as the scientists tell us?
Can it be that simple?
OK...Testosterone is blamed for so many problems in society that its hard to list them all: WARS, porn, infidelity, gangs, Hugh Hefner, holes punched in doors, South Beach, road rage, child porn, big cars, bachelor parities, political parties, strip joints, bad fathering, bad breathe, bad jokes, dictators, communism, lack of tact, ridiculous laws, and all historical slavery…internet porn, the NBA, hockey fights, football jocks, 5-inch high heels…breasts implants, plastic surgery, Paris Hilton, steroid abuse, the Mafia, gambling casinos; probably the loss of the WMD’s and the abuses at Guatalomo bay. (Don’t tell me that girl didn’t have a strong dose of testosterone raging.)

THEN AGAIN, testosterone has built all the world tallest buildings, sewer systems, water reservoirs, sent us to the moon, built all the cars, and gas stations, built washing machines and computers, and gave us electricity, cars, and our very own digital 64” TV screens so that the hamburgers are half the size of a small Volvo. (This is really why we are all fat.) The food on TV makes any food portion in any restaurant look too small. Seconds are a must.

Anyway, they pretty much built the whole world, technically speaking.
Which could be why all religions think GOD is a male.

OBVIOUSLY, testosterone must be in every alien species in the universe because IF we were seeded or genetically produced in a space lab according to the Sumerian scholars … then the TESTOSTRONE filled aliens messed us up by not balancing out the hormonal DNA of the species and overdoing it a bit. But what did they care? They just wanted a bunch of slaves to build the pyramids.

I have a feeling that some female alien right now, somewhere on the other side of the galaxy, who might have at least seven hands, (which to the male species on her planet of course is not enough) is writing these exact same words at the very same time in another dimension lamenting alien love.

Every spring our young earthbound testosterone bucks wrestle and bond…and just have the best time in the world calling each other every degrading name ever used in the English language, while earthbound women are just standing on the sidelines, completely clueless…missing all the fun. Like willowy, flittering shadows, they stand in another dimension of time and space… staring at the men, peering at them through the foggy looking glass of total misunderstanding… And they just don’t get it.

They don’t get the ritual and love between men, bonding while telling fart jokes. Bonding while competing in football. Bonding while building a car. Most of all they don’t get why a man would prefer to dream on a picture rather than go in and dream with the girlfriend or wife who is lying in the next room.

But then again, men can’t fathom how a woman can think that babies that vomit, shit, burp, and are basically worthless,(well, they can’t play videos yet) can be so adored.

The cortex of the male love brain is floating in fantasies a visual holy grail that makes him feel on top of the world. What a drug sex is! What a high! Millions are made off of men in the 1st sexual dimensions. That’s one good reason for society to keep them there.

Aliens love to pick up these guys…they will give up sperm even if the female alien is green and has four heads.

In fact, most men never come out of this stage.

And here’s what’s really funny. Some of your most brilliant minds, (including physicists) never get out of that first dimension. Most men, whether they were Gandhi or Einstein, never see pass that first love dimension, and more’s the pity.

While they are exploring the universe, solving nuclear secrets, building the latest weapon or engineering the most wonderful sewer system, it never dawns on them that right before their eyes, behind the obvious physical visions which push their evolutionary buttons, are other dimensions that need to perhaps be explored, something beyond the milk duds and the legs.

Some men gradually get to the 2nd or third love dimension, but not until the testosterone drops off, at around age 125. And the ones that have a mate usually have perfected the subtle and very necessary male talent of peripheral vision, which young men cannot seem to master, no matter how much they practice.

Women: I know…I’ve heard all the phrases, VIVA La Difference! YING and YANG! Wow, look at those!!!

If they are tomboys they might make a leap of faith into the 3rd dimension while still young, but then puberty hits …they have too much estrogen… and there you are. They want to fall in love, make babies, shop, and talk. It’s inevitably…what they don’t want is PMS, even if it comes in handy for an excuse to be crabby, and go lay down, thereby not doing the rest of the housework.

They want to be worshipped, and have their lovers never look at another woman. Of course, pragmatically and physically speaking, this is a complete impossibility. But don’t tell that to women. They don’t believe it. They want to believe that when a man says “I love you, and you are beautiful.” they really mean it, and it is only them that the man has this opinion of. And the man may actually mean it…for that very moment that they are telling you. What they are not telling you is that earlier that day they said that very same thing to some girl down at the post office.

So the question is; Can the two sexes somehow transcend all hormones and met in the 11th dimension? Is there a man in the universe that actually wants to go higher, can actually see the possibilities of looking into the brain and thinking of his mate? Are there men looking for soul mates? Have we giving up on this idea?

Does testosterone stump high IQ’s? I was shocked to learn after much research that even geniuses were completely one sided when it came to the opposite sex. Thomas Edison would try to make the perfect woman by concocting in his in his mind: his wife, another mans’ wife, and another Daisy, for his nightly fantasies. Richard Feynman, the great physicist had a proclivity for strippers. Most university professors are just absolute lushes….in fact...as I grew older it seemed that simple working men seemed to understand more the real wants of a woman. Maybe it was because they had to work harder to get what they wanted. Yep, the higher the man’s IQ, the bigger his ego. Sadly I found out there wasn’t much difference. And let’s face it; the first dimension is just too much damn fun, whatever your IQ.

Still, once in a while…it comes along…the glass is broken, a galaxies is born. There are couples that make it to the 9th dimension, and a few I am convinced---beyond.

History has reported some famous ones; Anthony and Cleopatra, Napoleon and Josephine, John and Abigail, Kermit and Miss Piggy.

But, not many.

The point here is that many of us do not marry above the 5th dimension. Because, well, the synchronicities that have to occur, to bring a love so perfect, that one can say they have truly found their soul mates….is very rare.

And what do men really want? A woman just like their mother…whom of course give the ultimate in love…unconditional. It’s reported men on battlefield will call out their mother’s name. And every woman knows when men are sick they become like little boys, wanting to be pampered with the littlest sneeze or ache. To compete in the hard realities of a man’s world …it is the one chance they get to take a leave and be pampered. And yes…it’s the least we can do.

According to most experts, a man wants support. A woman is there to make the great man with her unconditional support and love, praise for what he does, kudos’ for his bravery, his genius, keeping his children, his house, his meals, so that all he had to do was whatever he was striving to do…and oh what a great world man has built with he support of woman.

But, is it any wonder that the feminist movement came along? That maybe, just maybe, guys, woman want the same?

If a man cannot conceive of the sheer boredom and repetition of years and years of doing housework, laundry, raising kids….is it any wonder there are so few woman geniuses? History has shown that a woman CAN compete when she has the time and support, with the best of them. She can be the best at Math with the highest IQ, (Marilyn vos Savant) a great scientist, (Marie Curie) or a great leader. (Margaret Thatcher, Elizabeth I, Goldie Mire,)

But to go to the ultimate double helix of a man and a woman entwined…drifting into space and time, up to a Nirvana of heavenly wisdom of true love, these women had to have had a man who supported her too. Most successful women had great dads.

A husband or lover should support the woman too. And not just monetarily, but support her dreams…does she want to build another Brooklyn Bridge? Does she think she found the answer to cancer? Can she design a new weapon? Can she design the perfect constitution for a new country?

Can you spare just some of your time to encourage her dreams? Can you actually see the vision she holds for herself? Can you take her in your arms, can you look her in the eyes, can you hit her with your best shot of unconditional love, past the first dimension? Into the universe that she maybe is holding inside that you never dreamed existed? Can you give her that chance? Would the world be a better place?

Remember, it took a woman to put all those men’s theories into place. Vandalia is a genetic possibility for all humans.

Coming down from my maniacal delusions, I see there might be hope for Jose, and the discovery of the answer of everything in space and time gives us new hope for the future of our planet, if we can just get more knowledge.

So, I suggest these physicists need to get to work, and figure out this love mess---I have a feeling space and time is a piece of cake compared to figuring out how to balance human nature. And while they’re at it, maybe they can tell us out why men have nipples, why ducks are so cute when they quack, and how to get men out of the lst dimensions, and into a more productive place, or at least how to get them to put the toilet seat down.

As for mankind getting to the 11th dimension or Mars in a spaceship? Let’s not fool around with that one…let’s pray. Physicists can’t do everything.