Nobody's Absurdities, No. 20

Nobody’s Opinion; This morning was great. I woke up with the title of my 21st “Nobody’s Absurdities” blog on my lips. I had the perfect title, The Legal Age of Reason, and the whole thing just popped into my head as easy as a pop-tart, before my feet ever hit the ground.

It would have been swell, except I’m on number twenty.

That’s how my life has been going lately, so… because I just couldn’t think of anything that goes with the number twenty, I looked up some trivia.

It takes--- 20 seconds for a cloud to recharge after lighting flashes. And here I was counting to ten.

--- 20 minutes for foreplay for people 25-34 years of age. After that, you’ve got it down to zero.

----20 hours for a newly hatched duckling to exhibit their first emotion—fear. There is not much to say about this observation except how did the scientists who were measuring this figure this out? Due to the fact that they knew they needed something to validate the grant they sent Uncle Joe’s pit-bull into the cage?

---20 days for the liver of a rat to regenerate. (Rats can regenerate livers?)

And ---20 years to gain an extra 60 pounds by eating one slice of bread a day over and beyond the daily calorie intake needed.

Oh, that’s explains it! NOW they tell us.

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The Yankees are not having a good year. Wouldn’t you know it took a pitcher to pitch into a dive and hit a building, only to have his passport and his gym bag somehow survive the crash, while he becomes New York toast.

While the fire brigades were there almost before the plane slide down to the ground, (or what was left of it,) everyone in the country was thinking, “How in the world did this happen again?”

Those New Yorkers, they are just so cool.

You would think after 9/11, where it was proven that anyone can just fly into New York, pick a building, crash into it, and kill thousands of people…you would think..

That the MORONS would have changed the laws so that to get permission to fly around above Manhattan would take nothing short of giving up your first born child!.

Logic would tell you that after 9/11; only “professional” pilots who were well known and seasoned veterans would be allowed into that air space, not newbie rich baseball players who had only been flying for six months.

Logic would tell you because of what we saw today that, logic does not exist.

Cory Lidle, who said the team was unprepared, should have been following his own advice.

But the most absurd point of it all is how all the press was trying remarkable hard to show respect for his wife, because evidently, there was another body lying on the ground next to him, which was later reported as “the flight instructor.”

I guess you have to be Yankee to get respect from the press.

Somehow, this will be blamed on steroids.

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By now, everyone knows the biggest deal in history for “computer” nerds, has been signed by Google and two young guys who wouldn’t know how to make a decent video if their lives depended on it, but they sure knew how to upload yours and get you seen all over the world.

I’ve only visited the site once, but $1.65 billions seemed to this nobody a pretty high price to pay for having the right to censor the public.

This site was just too popular to NOT be controlled.

Yes, the wondrous Google will ban just about anything that says anything against Communism, the Clintons, homosexuals, anal sex, and Al Gore.

Maybe it has something to do with Al Gore being on the board of directors…which might be a commentary about anal sex, if you want to look at it another way.

They even banned that adorable and highly intelligent warrior for justice, Michelle Malkin.

Maybe it was because she looked Chinese, they thought because they censored the internet for the elite rulers of China, she should be included.

But now, what is really stupid is that they are trying to block the new video made by the x-Democrat film producer, David Zucker.

What is so really absurd about this is that the video has already been on all the cable channels News programs, so what exactly IS the point?
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But the absurdity doesn’t stop there. Google has arranged a thing where they “flag” a video that they find offensive. Instead of just leaving it up to you to make the decision if you want to watch it, you must “sign in” to watch it.

Why? To Google, it’s ok to allow the public free access to all kinds of sick porn, but watching a conservative view from an x-democrat is just going too far.

These people MUST be stopped. They are a threat to the great Google Empire.

Which reminds me---here in Missouri, the drug Ephedrine, which lots of people here in the Mid-West use to take the place of the expensive Starbucks Coffee, is being attacked by the whole government. President Bush tried to outlaw it, but failed.

If you want a small pack…you must sign in your address, your telephone number, your name, and signature, so that they can tap your phone, go into your house, and look for meth.

Okay, drugs are a problem everywhere. But...signing your name? Whatever happens to showing your license?

They (the government) can tell you that your kid needs to get on Ritalin, that you children have to have a whole number of potentially dangerous, and some useless vaccines before they can go to school…that’s different.

They act like it’s for our safety, but I bet it’s really because Starbucks doesn’t want the competition. They are expanding you know. Soon there will be more Starbucks on the planet Earth than McDonalds.

That’s what I call real pollution.

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Otherwise today there were only a few other things that stuck out…like why a Turkish woman would want to have a baby at 64, why a man would want to swallow 247 jalapenos, or why all the top guys today were arguing about just how many Iraq’s HAVE been killed in this war? They all thought that, yes, no doubt in their minds…665,000 was not correct.

It was more like 663,000.

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Nevertheless…it does take male chimpanzees 20 seconds to reach climax after initiating sexual relations. (more proof that we evolved.)
---20 minutes to suffer a death by hanging.
---20 hours to clean 1,000 used bricks by hand.
---20 days to pay your utility bill
---20 years for a queen bee to die.

And I’m giving myself twenty minutes more to stop torturing you by finishing this.


Nobody’s Perfect; It also takes 20 minutes for hunger pangs to disappear after the first mouthful of food reaches the stomach.

Unfortunately, I can’t wait that long.

Nobody Knows; Twenty minutes is also the optimum attention spacn of elementary school children. No one knows what the average teacher’s attention span is, but if you measure it by our children’s lack of education, it must be around 20 seconds.

Nobody Cares : It also, according to the book “Durations,” takes twenty minutes to perform a hemorrhoidectomy, which I’m sure you will agree, is exactly twenty minutes too long.