Gaia, Al Gore, The Weather, and Dolly Parton

Nobody’s Opinion; While the Supreme Court is taking nonsensical deliberations on whether the United States should be forced to sign the Kyoto Toyota agreement: While Gaia’s inventor--- the guy who thought up the concept that the earth is a single living organism… is saying that due to global warming we are doomed to die a horrible death and that China’s people will have to move to Siberia: While Al Gore dons his late night mask of half comedian future Oscar winner Earth savior on Jay Leno--- here in St. Louis, it got up to almost 80 degrees today.

Tomorrow, we are told that it will ice, and then snow, and as soon as the snow collects one half of an inch, we will have power outages.

Yes, now our local weather man is predicting electric power outages, due to one inch of snow and some ice.

I sure it’s due to global warming even though it will be freezing outside.

Having just finished putting up all my outside Christmas lights, I find this disconcerting, because, darn it, I worked really hard on my decorations. I can proudly say that my house looks about as close to a Santa’s whorehouse as you can get.

It’s so gaudy, I just might get some fake boobs and dress up as Dolly Parton in a red Mrs. Santa’s Clause outfit (With miniskirt AND red underwear, Brittany.) and stand outside the front door and say “ALL are welcomed…cross over…All are welcomed. Come right in and see…we have elves, and whiskey, and the inside is even gaudier! ”

I might even break into my Dolly Parton imitation, and sing “I will always love YOOOOOOUUU….(Talks) And I hope life will treat you reeeeeeal kind, and I hope that you have ALLLLLL that you ever dreamed of!” Then push up my fake boobs.

This was always a big crowd pleaser when I was working.

Hey, I love Dolly. She’s right up there with Elvis.

And if you’ve ever read her biography, you would wonder why in the world this nobody was shocked, just shocked to hear just how much Dolly Parton loves Sex. Why, it was God that let Dolly know she was a sex goddess…in the little chapel near her little humble home in the Rocky Top Mountains, when she was down on her knees praying. (Where she now has a heliport)

I found this revelation by Dolly rather touching.

I was also shocked to hear that she once tried to dig a hole through the earth clear to China. Okay…she was only about eight.

I can’t pick on Dolly because when my family first moved up north from Naples, Florida, I was almost fourteen. When the trees started losing their leaves, I actually thought the trees were dying. And since I was such an emotional girl, I was having a hard time watching this event.

I could not for the life of me, figure out why no one was saying a thing about this sad and tragic loss of beauty.

Gaia was dying all around me, and NO one around me seemed to be too upset about this event but me. I wasn’t stupid enough to ask anyone the simple question “Why are all the leaves falling off the trees?” thereby showing how ignorant I really was.

No, I did the smart thing when one is complexly clueless… I decided not to mention it.

Somehow, no one, not my parents, or any school, or book, or science class, or teacher for all my years had ever mentioned that trees lose their leaves in fall. In fact, I was completely unaware of the changing of the seasons. This is what is happening to this moment to Al Gore.

Yes, Gaia has a friend in me. I still get a little sad in October. (I feel for ya, Al)

But…back to the electrical grid. I’m not worried about the power losses because we have a judge that leaves on our street…just two doors down…and he’s a black judge.

Therefore, the whole city might be dark, but we will have light, or Jesse Jackson will be crying discrimination against black Judges.

I was out with a friend today, and we were talking like two old sows sitting on the porch, (but I was really taking her to pick up coffee at Wal-Mart which is pretty near the same thing) and we were reminiscing about the great snow we had here in St Louis in 1982.

In fact, I had a job that night, (a gig, so to speak) and when we came out around three am in the morning, after packing up all the equipment, none of the band could find our cars. In fact, the whole city of St. Louis was buried…in over 22 inches of snow. It was days before we could even dig them out.

This was before Dennis Quaid was even born.

This is the kind of lovely weather that people in places like Fargo and Buffalo are used to.

Some scientists think we are going into an ice age, and actually this makes more sense than global warming.

This nobody thinks Gaia is just going through menopause. She is just getting hot flashes. Sometime not too long ago, she tilted on her axis a little after having a little too much too much sun.

All the big guys know this, but they love a good scam. Especially when they can make billions off weather manipulation.

Women are just like the weather, stick around long enough, and it all changes.

Yes, there is a lot of money to be made in the fluctuations of Gaia’s PMSing.

I certainly don’t agree with Al Gore and Mr. Gaia that soon, most people on the earth will die…unless they just happen to drive by my house over the holidays, and my giant blow-up puppy falls on them.

In fact, Al should leave Tipper and run away with Gaia...wait…he’s already done that?

Well, somebody hook him up with Dolly and get him off our backs.

Nobody’s Perfect; Brittany Spears, it was reported by just about every male on the planet, was evidently very hot today. And although, she dances very well, she is no Dolly Parton. Having a baby has obviously melted some brain cells.

Nobody’s Knows; Why Colin Powell today gave a speech at a world business forum in DUBAI to our friends the United Arab Emirates and said that Bush was wrong, Iraq was in a civil war. He also said we should reach out to our Muslim friends.

Ok Colin…as soon as they reach out to us.

You gotta love his timing.

Nobody Cares: Weather reporting has taking on a whole new persona. Now, at the least little sign of snow, or rain, or really anything, they make it sound like a murder is being committed, details at nine!

In fact, it’s an alert with every broadcast. It’s a wonder any of us leave the house at all. The way they reported the “ice” and half inch of snow coming tomorrow you would have thought that the end of life as we know it might just happen if we get…ice.

In the old days, before all this “propaganda” the news man would simply say;

Tomorrow we might get a little ice, be careful folks on the overpasses, and we might get some snow flurries, but hey, a little snow would be fun!”

They would have never even dared to mention power outages.

But then again, this was before Home Depot, Lowe’s, Al Gore, and Gaia.

Personally, I think Home Depot should give all the weathermen a cut, and Dolly Parton should come over to my house for Christmas.

I’m sure the neighbors would prefer the real boobs.