Sunday, February 11, 2007

The Monkette's Supposition On Anna Nicole's Death


Nobody’s Opinion;

While watching all the news today, about Anna Nicole Smith’s death, and even watching her longtime boyfriend, wanna be husband lawyer, Howard Stern, giving a press conference in order to put himself in a good light---I, along with the rest of the world was thinking, “Gee, for a guy who just lost the love of his life less than 24 hours ago, he sure acts like it’s just another day.”

Not less than 30 minutes later the news was released that you could go to his “blog” and gets his tearful testimony to his unending suffering.

If he is going to pull this off, he might want to stay off the drugs.

Well, heck…everyone in America was convinced that O’Jay Simpson killed his wife. Now, just about everyone in the world thinks the overwhelming circumstantial evidence of murders committed points to her “lawyer,” her best pal, the guy who stuck to her side like a dead bug sticks to your windshield…oops, sorry.

But in the real world of cartoon justice, where we watched in utter disbelief high priced lawyers free a guilty black man by turning the whole case into a racial farce, we have learned to expect that this is probably going to be much of the same.

That is if there aren’t others behind the scene with dibs on the final cash.

What we need is a real life detective, like Adrian Monk. (Okay, I love the show.)

He would go and interview the “killer” and then wander around the scene, hands up…come into all our living rooms on Larry King, face Howard Stern, and then say:

“Here’s how he did it.”

“Mr. Stern, you were just a two bit lawyer before you noticed Anna, and when you saw how much money she could stand to inherit, you worked out a “plan.”

You became her devoted friend, and used drugs to keep her from knowing what was going on from minute to minute. You convinced everyone and her that your every thought was about her welfare. But in fact, you were going to get the money the same why she got it…you were going to inherit it.

You were there to guide her every legal move…you even helped get the Supreme Court’s a favorable ruling in giving her a chance to get the money, by getting the help of the Clinton appointed Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on your side, by convincing that J. Howard Marshall, the billionaire worth over 1.6 billion had actually given his estate to her as a “gift.”

You rehearsed her time and again on her testimony.

It was a brilliant defense. They ruled in her favor 9-0.

Nicole was easy to manipulate. All she really wanted was to be told she was the sexist and most beautiful woman in the world, and that you would make sure she would get the money, and you also did drugs with her, because you had to convince her she could trust you.

But you had a problem…her son. Also, she had a habit of sleeping around.

And when she told you she was “pregnant” you knew this was your chance. She couldn’t remember who the father was. After all, if she wasn’t drunk, she was stoned.

So you convinced her to move into a house in the Bahamas knowing that no court could have jurisdiction over either of you there.

But, her first son…well, he was a problem. He had to go.

You knew that her son took anti-depression drugs, and you knew you could not control him. So, you picked him up at the airport and gave him a strong dose of methadone…after all, he was depressed enough about the new baby, the kid was a carbon copy of his mother.

When he died in the hospital room, you waited 38 minutes before you called in a nurse. The autopsy showed drugs as the cause, and you threw the methadone that you had gotten illegally down the toilet. Later, you said you had gotten them from the boy.

She accused you of killing him, but you knew just how to soothe her, and convinced her he really did die of an overdose. She then went into a REAL depression.

Still, people started suspecting you, so to show you really loved her, you hired a nurse and a body guard who was a paramedic. You immediately arranged to get “married” on a yacht, convincing her, since she couldn’t remember herself who the father was, that you would be the father. Besides, you told her everyone would just be after her money, but not you.

I’m sure she suspected you, but you kept her so drugged up that she would just sleep.

Then an old boyfriend wanted custody of the new child. You had to do something, because you knew that it was possibly that he was the real father. If it was found out, you would lose it all…you had to quickly get rid of Anna.

So you went to a state that is notorious for covering up crimes, south Florida. The Hard rock Café was perfect. It was under INDIAN NATION protection.

You told everyone she wasn’t feeling well, she had stomach flu. You had given her something to upset her stomach for lunch two days before. Something you knew no one could detect. After all, you KNEW all the diet pills she had been taking, and all the drugs you had pumped into her. It would have been very easy to kill her, without a trace of it in her body. It had to be done slowly.

After the nurse found her dead the next day, she had strict instructions to call you first. You had been in the room. You were getting ready for your defense.

You will claim that your marriage was “real” with pictures from People magazine to prove it. Much like the “gift” that Anna got from her billionaire, you will claim that her “gift” to you was her daughter and her money.

You purposely kept the daughter in the Bahamas, your ace-in-the-hole.

It might work. You might have to stay in the Bahamas, but then again, Bill and Hillary Clinton have a nice place not far from you, I’m sure they will be good neighbors.

(Wait…Bill Clinton, Anna Nicole?)

But you killed her. Oh, yes. I don’t know how, but you did.”

Adrian would then smile, the cops would come in after finding the evidence, and Howard Stern would be put away for life. The grandchild and the mother that her mother made posing for pictures would go live with grandma, with a trust fund set up for her that NO one could touch until she became of age.

J. Howard Marshall’s fortune would go back to his own family so THEY could fight over it.

Now, wouldn’t life be simple if like our TV programs we could just solve the case and get it over with?

Don’t try an innocent man in the public you say?

Well, since there doesn’t seem to be any such thing as a “fair” trial anymore, what does it matter?

Personally, I bet the DNC ends up with it, and it goes to Hillary’s campaign. You don’t think that all those Federal Judges that were appointed by Bill Clinton aren’t going to stick together do you?

Anna Nicole Smith is finally, drug-free, but the rest of us are in for a year of tabloid slush. I can’t wait for the movie.

Nobody’s Perfect: You’re right, I have NO idea how she died, any more than you do. All we can do is go by our guts….which is not always wrong.

Nobody Knows; This guy Howard, even had her mom fooled...who is supposed to be a cop. Also, did Anna grow up without a dad in her life? Anyone got that news?

Nobody Cares
; While this entire tabloid stress alert was going on, the socials plans to move our 3- year-olds into state nanny care was quietly being talked about and implemented in several more states.

Not to mention the grand movement by the Democratic Party to get rid of the Electoral College, thereby changing all elections in favor of democrats forever more.

One thing you have to give them credit for: they have GREAT timing.

Nobody’s Fool: To the great writers of the fabulous series MONK, I humble apologize if I have offended anyone. You could have done this much better; in fact…I wish you would.

UPDATE: Monk just found O’Jay lost black glove in Howard Stern’s possession.

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