Nobody's Absurdities, No. 36: The Women Are Freaking!

Nobody’s Opinion: Just minutes ago, I was thinking about how recently more women than usual were just freaking out.

A lady traveling in diapers, girl teenager’s video taping gang fights, another woman giving a gun to her teenage son and telling him to go kill the kid who just beat him up…

Nancy Pelosi freaking out because she wants a BIGGER plane to travel on…

And then, today, Anna Nicole Smith is found dead, like her former prototype for the world’s sexual attention, Marilyn Monroe…

So, what’s going on? Was it the full moon? Something in the atmosphere? Global warming? Bad Fhen Shey? Too many Diet Pills?

Any ideas?

Somehow President Bush will ultimately be blamed for these hysterical women. So in order of an absurdity scale of 1-10, here is my 36th blog on unexplainable moments in the latest news, which the freaking women have been dominating.

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It must take a super person beyond anyone’s imagination to become a respected astronaut, to fly in the shuttle, meet any challenge, and be the cream of the crop…your organizational skills alone must surpass the usual human capability.

So how did a woman of high intelligence, freak out so much in an obvious jealous rage over a man that she had “more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship,” that she put on some diapers, grabbed some pepper spray, a steel mallet, a knife, and some rubber tubing, and drove 900 miles to get to her rival for stealing evidently the greatest spiritual moment of sex ever experienced on earth? (Or was it off?)

Colleen Shipman was ready for her, and Liza Nowak, mother of three, was so stupid in her poorly planned attempt at “kidnapping,” that she ended up in police custody, almost as soon as she arrived.

One wonders what would have happened if Liza had actually been commanding the shuttle? She might have crashed it right straight into the Colleen’s house while she was sleeping.

And why wasn’t she mad at her rocket man?

Still, it’s the diapers that are getting everyone, which makes one wonder---just what other tricks are they teaching their astronauts?

She might just have given Depends a whole new market: Jealous woman on rampages.

On a scale of 1-10, this seems like a nine.

What are the odds?

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Larry King last night interviewed Cynthia Sommers (32) from jail, and while looking like the frog waiting to become a Prince, Larry was obviously mesmerized by Cynthia’s wide eyed seduction when she said that she has no idea who poisoned her Marine husband with enough arsenic to kill the whole 82nd airborne.

Why, she is just so shocked! She was the one that made the 911 call!

The pain of her loss was evidently so great she went right out with the insurance money and brought herself new “breasts,” and started partying.

Those new breasts will certainly come in handy in prison.

How stupid can you be? Poison your husband, and then think they will not find a trace of arsenic?

She seemed like a pretty girl---why not just divorce him and marry a man with more money? Why risk going to jail?

What WAS she thinking?

But, hey…she got her 10 minutes of fame on Larry King. Something tells me she’s happy.

I give this one a five. The girl was not very creative in her “plans.” But like most people who commit murder for money, she thinks she will get away with it.

So did the Melendez brothers.

She should have waited just a few months before her operation, but brains were obviuosly not her strong point.

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Somewhere near Detroit last Sunday, a woman named Kukla, went completely nuts. Relatives said she had been acting a bit strange.

She stabbed her two young daughters, who were 8 and 5 to death with kitchen knives, by cutting their throats.

The girl’s father was in jail.

What makes this one so strange is that she also ALSO stabbed 3 Pomeranian dogs, and a pet mouse.

Then put them in a neat pile.

She said she heard voices, like Andrea Yates.

Something tells me, mom was trying to sleep and everyone was making too much noise.

This is one time I bet a husband was actually glad to be in jail.

I give this one an eight. Like Andrea Yates, she admitted she was nuts.

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In New Orleans, a teenage boy named Clarence Johnson (17) went home after a fight, only to be handed a gun by his mother (Vanessa Johnson) and told to go get the guy who beat him up.

He took mom’s advice and went and shot him in the stomach. The kid is now dead.

Now, what in the world was the mother thinking? A mother hands the gun to her son?

Something is definitely funny about this story. But then again, maybe she thought he would just “protect” himself.

Actually, this story is not that strange being as it came out of New Orleans, the new Somalia. Maybe the mothers are just being realistic. Better go live in jail…at least you will get three meals a day and protection.

I’ll give this one a four.

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And let’s not forget Princess Nancy Pelosi demanding a 747 to use for her own pleasure. A plane that can hold 111 people, complete with bedrooms, hot tubs, and an extra special place for Bill Clinton to hold parties.

And she demands this with a straight face. While her predecessor, Dennis Hastert, did fine on a military plane that held 16 passengers.

What hypocrites these people are, and just how stupid are we? The people always talking about the HUGE gap between the rich and the poor, sure do like to remind us of it.

She now holds the purse to the Pentagon, so she demands this plane, to show her testicles and accordingly, the “white house” agrees.

They will be calling this Air Force Three. Bill Clinton built Air Force Two, and a new Air Force One, so it’s only fitting that the party of Al Gore demands another one. Before we are through, all of Congress will have 747's.

She said she wanted to see “her family.”

Let me get this straight, all her children are grown, she and her husband are worth over 400 million…just how often does she have to see “her family?”

Does she have over seventy grandchildren?

As far as this taxpayer is concerned, she can move her “family” to Washington or forfeit the job.

Nancy is really going after perks and corruption isn’t she?

Next thing you know Nancy will want her own shuttle.

I rate this on so absurd, it deserves a 10.

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And lastly, not surprisingly today, Anna Nicole Smith’s death will be on the news for the three weeks at least.

A woman, who took over Madonna as the next imitator of Marilyn Monroe, went even farther by doing the best imitation of all…imitating her death.

Two men will be fighting over her money, and her child, who, just by being the child of a famous woman will be worth lots of money, even without her mother's hard earned 350 million.

Already NASA has been kicked off the front pages.

Here was a woman who knew how to imitate that image and make lots of money off it.

Guys all over the world are just a little bit sadder tonight.

So sad that some guy on Fox News just said “She might have been our Lady Di.”

Please...Okay, Lady Di was not exactly a sex symbol. And I don’t think as fun as Anna was to watch, she did not represented the United States…

But, she did represent the American fascination with big.....beauty.

There is no scale for this one, I find it quite sad.

She told her friends she would die like Marilyn Monroe. She was complete zonked out on drugs. And like Marilyn, we will never know if she was killed, or just did it herself.

So, who is our next Marilyn?

I noticed Christiania Aguilera is getting that Monroe look. Not to be outdone by Brittany, she announced that she and her husband cook in the nude.

I have NO idea why this would be sexy. Must be something sexy about a woman cooking, but he should have at least have something on.

A man running around nude in the kitchen is actually a bit scary.

All these carbon copies of Monroe, make lots of money, but never capture the original.

So, there it is: a week of women freaking. I thank God these were the only ones I could find.

Who knows what if it had been Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, or Barbara Boxer?

Who knows what could happen if they “freaked?”

Something tells me, the women have only just begun.

Nobody’s Perfect: Recently, we’ve been seeing gangs of teenage girls going out to beat up on other girls, video taping themselves committing the crime, and posting it on the internet!
Now, how stupid is that?

Evidently, not so stupid because all these girls know not a thing will happen to them, being as they are underage.

No, the judges put them out into the community to do service. Where the girls can go around and brag and recruit new members.

Which makes you wonder, what’s more absurd here, the crime or the punishment?

Nobody Knows; What if Hillary Clinton was to freak out? What if she is elected President and she decides she has just about had enough of Bill.

Just where do you think she would keep the nuclear suitcase? Next to her bed?

Nobody Cares; According to Allen Dershowitz, women kill more men than men kill women every year.

Men tend to kill more strangers, mostly other men.

Gives you something to think about.
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A woman freaking out is not new. On this date in 1587, Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded by Elizabeth the first. Elizabeth, thankfully, never married.

Elizabeth also may I note...did NOT need diapers.