Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The "Force" Is With Them


Nobody’s Opinion: Two American Institutions are joining together this year to bring us some fun, the United States Post Office and George Lucas.

Just when you thought that there was not one single item left in the universe for George Lucas to slap his licensing on out of all his Star Wars characters---think again.

Star Wars and all its characters have been resurrected on so many toys, lunch boxes, dolls, video games, and bedspreads over the last thirty years that George Lucas did not have to lift another finger to work after his first trilogy. He made his huge fortune off the Star Wars merchandising. In fact, I’m sure he made enough money to buy property on Mars, AND the moon, and build a few movie theaters for his private screenings on the shuttle that will take him there.

I haven’t Googled it, but I’d make a Star Trekie bet that Star Wars is the hugest brand of merchandise in the world. Every house on the planet has something from the movie, and if not, they have the first set of VHS tapes, the second set of VHS tapes, and then the DVD set…etc.

George has been relentless in making sure you do NOT forget his baby.

All this started from one movie…thirty years ago. I was about two. (cough)

After the first three movies George just sat in his huge house and watched his kids grow, and filled up his library.

When he came out of retirement to make the final three films, some of us wished he hadn’t. So much in the movie world had progressed that the story seemed very old. The next three films, although still had great special effects, the scripts could have been written by your local postmaster, and that one character that drove everyone crazy…Jajabean, Jojaboin, Jajoboy...was enough alone to make you forget them.

Hey, I’m not looking up his name; I’m still trying to forget him. Go ahead, you look it up.

We can give George Lucas the admiration for the wonderful new technology in visual effects that he brought to the cinema, a man with a vision far ahead of his time---but I really don’t think the world needed to be swamped with 300 billions pieces of plastic Star Wars junk. George doesn’t want to pass up any generation of kids. He keeps on remaking the stuff after every anniversary.
The profits made in just the Star Wars toys alone probably built the new infrastructure of China’s own “Star Wars” program, complete with the latest nano-technology, putting them eons ahead of us in research.

Good thing we had our own "Yoda Master" Ronald Reagan to suggest we build our own.

Coming in April, we will we be getting a new Star Wars collection of stamps (which will be pretty cool) and along with that the Post Office has decided to spend our money on 400 new mailboxes, created to look just like R2-D2.

I would complain except I’d rather see taxpayers pay for 400 cool mailboxes than millions on security for our politicians to feel safe at their 2008 election conventions.

They are all millionaires; let them pay for their own. Besides…who are they afraid of? Us?

Maybe they are worried that the force is with us, not them.

So while we are going back to our childhood, and pretending to be Obi-Wan, other measures are being carefully planned.

The usual action with our government is that when one hand gives you a carrot, the other hand give you the stick, or should I say, knocks you out like a red light-saber.

On April 14th, the price of a stamp is going up to 41 cents, and since now we seem to have a socialist state, it’s important to keep up the appearance of the values that our country was founded on---sooooo…we are going to get a new stamp called the “Forever” stamp.

Yes, it’s a picture of the cracked Liberty Bell: a very fitting image of our cracked country may I add.

Marks Saunders a Post Office spokesman says: “This stamp will be good a hundred years from now. It will be used as a transition when the rates change.”

Right. I’ll pull out my 41 cent stamp a year from now to pay for my 59 cent stamp.

But, that’s not all. The ones of us that feel the “good” force (at least once a day) have got a feeling (remember, Obi Wan said “Trust your feelings Luke, let go!”)---some of us, when we heard today that thousands of regular mail boxes all over the country were going to be removed, had a feeling that Darth Vader and his dark Lord and master were lurking somewhere in our Capitol and disturbing the force: walking past the halls of Nancy, and hanging out in the hallways of Monica’s smoking lessons.

The thought then occurred to me--- it’s bad enough that I have to pay more for stamps, but…what if they take ALL the corner mailboxes away, and cut down on the mail service? Little by little. The mailman stops coming to pick up the mail on Saturday?

Then the government, due to the excuse that everyone is using e-mail, and they can’t make any money…what if they cut out mail delivery to three days a week?….then two….then one….then….
One day, in a galaxy very much like the Milky Way, the United States Post Office will announce that there will be no more mail delivery. All the mail will be delivered by e-mail. Just go to the U.S. Post Office online, buy your stamps with a credit card and they will personally mail your letter. You will even get special Star Wars letterhead stationary to pick from!

It will be so much fun!

What a clever way to get ALL e-mails taxed. Then, while you are being so happy picking out your favorite stationary with Luke Skywalker on the top, every e-mail you send will have to go through the US Postal service online. Microsoft will include a cute little icon on your desktop on the next Windows.

Like e-bay, we will all have little stamp accounts.

It will be just so cool, everyone will love it! That’s how they will sell the idea. They will make it so hard to pay your bills on time that you will have no choice.

In the last five years, I have personally been feeling like I have been battling whole armines of storm troopers, disguised as advertisements. With every single bill I open there is the “Pay your bills online!” suggestion just waiting for me to finally surrender to the idea.

After all...“It’s so easy! No Stamps!”

It’s been me battling the universe of what I consider to be “One more step to the state control of my bank account.”

Put all your money online, and don’t write that check. It’s so simple; just give us your bank account number.

Well---when I see this stuff I get out my blue saber and yell..."Not this nobody." I’d rather spend hours writing checks and putting stamps on envelopes, then pay my bills online.

It’s the principle of the thing.

Soon, all the money of the world will be, like the trillions of dollars passing online all over the world…just thin air. All money will be just numbers in cyberspace. The true Utopian cashless society is what Darth Vedar would want, because cash in the hands of regular people, just like guns, gives people the freedom to handle their own affairs.

You can’t hold on to a number on a screen in your hand. You might as aim a death-star at us.

So when the P.O someday says it's not making enough money, remember: The United States Post Office makes 73 billions a year, and handles one half of the world’s mail. And George Lucas's kids will still be making money off of Star Wars, way past the next millennium Falcon.

And this nobody, might as well go and buy the new stamps and put them in R2-D2.

After all, it would take more than the force of one to stop this new force of "fun."

Nobody’s Perfect: I must admit, I must have seen Star Wars, the first three movies, more times than I can count, and I still enjoy them.

Nobody Knows; When is George Lucas going to paint the Sears Towers to look like Darth Vedar? Maybe he could get together with our Congress and suggest some troop apparel changes. If he wanted to really help us out, he would develop lasers guns that detect Iraq mines.
Nobody Cares; May 14th is the last day you can mail your 39 cent stamps.

Princess Leia's most memorable moment was when she was a slave in a bikini, being held by a chain around her neck by Jubba the Hut. I'm sure the men would agree. George Lucas must have really enjoyed filming that scene, because not only did she look good, it was one of the greatest merchandising moments in the history of Star Wars!

If the world blows up from nuclear WWII, the aliens that visit the remains of this planet, will more than likely find millions of Star Wars toys, underneath the ashes. It will be a fitting legacy.

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