The InCurable African Continent

Nobody’s Opinion: As I was looking at the “Africa” issue of Vanity Fair yesterday, with all its 185 covers, I was thinking---what is it about Africa? I just can’t seem to get excited about it. But it’s clear, they want us to.

Who are they? Why every famous multi-multi-millionaires billionaires all over the world. You name it. George Bush, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Bono, (okay, he’s alien) Hillary Clinton, Obama, Madonna, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and just about every CEO and university teacher who vacations in Cape Town, politician who has ever served in the Congress, or actor who’s made a boring compassionate twenty-minute speech at the Oscar’s.

Say the words “Africa” or “aids” and they all go into some sort of orgasmic state of inexplicable, ginormous, intransigent coma.

Oprah’s eyes actually pop out.

They all have a case of “international herpes” that cannot be cured. If Africa disappeared tomorrow, they would refuse to believe it. Like drug addicts, they would miss their “fix.”

And I cannot for the life of me think that there isn’t something in it for them besides “good” press. Being known as some philanthropic goddess or god of compassion, seems to be all that these people live for.

At least that’s what they want you to believe.

Angelina Jolie is so addicted to “helping” the world that she is wasting away because she is eating bugs along with the starving so as not to offend them. Either that, or Brad said she was getting fat.

Okay, I just don’t buy it. Today it was reported that Steven Spielberg is thinking of not helping out China with their Olympic extravaganza unless they stop funding weapons for the slaughter in Darfur.

I mean, what was he thinking when he started doing this...ET will go home?

Is that what money does to people? Or, should we be asking…is there money in this for the rich?

Since the Jefferson “money in the refrigerator” scandal, we only got to see a very brief glimpse of just how much money is being made and by whom in the, forever it seems, incurable continent of Africa.

Something tell me that Representative Jefferson got re-elected because, if we really knew who had relatives making money off of big international companies, or who sits on their boards and has stocks, in diamonds, oil, mining, electric, water, and windmills building plans, we would be shocked.

Hillary has even come out and said that she plans to build all new schools in Africa. And Bill Clinton plans to put a wind mill in every little African village. And all the new energy programs they will think up will bring new jobs!

Yeah, lots of jobs for Africans. And maybe even jobs for you and me, but we will have to move to Africa to work.

Wait--- what am I saying? We--- will be expected to volunteer.

Today in our local paper there was picture of ten local black high school students who went over to Nairobi to build the kids over there a nice basketball court, for future NBA drafts.

They belonged to a Lutheran group, but would not be allowed to discuss religion, the article said…so as not to upset anyone.

No mention was said who paid for this trip, or why the high school kids over there couldn’t built their own basketball court. But something tells me, the taxpayers paid for this great basketball bonding trip.

Really, I’ve got Africa burn-out. And it’s not because I’m prejudice. (Don’t start me.) It’s because there are only so many times you can hear from some hedonistic politician that you should volunteer to help poor Africa. Why, Africa needs water, food, schools, and cable channels…just like you. And then there is Aids.

Yeah, and I need to fix my back fence before it blows over.

Okay aids is bad. But, why don’t they just get tested before they have sex?

Wait--- then they couldn’t sell aids medicine and vaccines! That thar’ gold is even bigger than the diamond mines.

For years now, everywhere you look, you are being told that Africa is important to all Americans. I have looked at so many pictures of starving children in Africa that I went through whole years when I could not go into a Ponderosa Steak House.

My guilt trips got to be too annoying, so like any sensible American, I gave them up.

How long ago did this guilt trip start? Remember the old saying by your mother?

“How could you leave that on your plate? You know there are starving children in Africa going to bed hungry every night, and I have to throw those peas in the garbage.”

In your head you were thinking…well gee Mom…go ahead and send them peas to those starving kids and shut up.

But the guilt trip for American kids has not only not gone away---it has been put into propaganda overdrive. Guilt is the first thing on every milk carton in our new mandatory kindergartens. We have whole classes on the subject in all our colleges.

At our local college here in Missouri, they now have classes for the “children” called: “Around the World in Five Days.” For $180 your little one will learn about Africa, China, Japan, and France, before they even know what city they live in.

I’d suggest just buying them a new pair of Nike’s instead and say---“China.” Save yourself a few bucks.

Our local papers weekly beg for volunteers to “open your hearts and homes” to host foreign exchange students from all over (Mexico). You must feed them, also. It’s not as easy as it used to be, because now they speak Chinese. Oh, but our "students" are not invited to their countries...so much for the exchange part.

Africa, as long as anyone can remember, has been filled with millions of people, who are going around killing millions of other poor people, therefore putting millions of people walking desperately another place where they won’t starve…only to be so bored they have too much sex sitting around, then catch aids, and millions die a slow death.

You’d think they’d want to at least get some air conditioning---I would.

The rich and famous then go over and stand next to the poor dying children and make speeches, and get back on their Lear jets.

Clinton’s visit to Rwanda, standing with all the little children…was especially priceless---after the slaughter.

After all these years I’m convinced that saving Africa is much more important than saving America to all our politicians.

It won’t be long before July the 4th becomes…International Day.

And that will be the end of our independence.

It will also be the time for us to ask Africa to help us--- after we hide our children.