Elvis, Al Gore, Bikinis, Sex, and Acapulco

Nobody’s Opinion: Ahhh…I got you on sex, didn’t I?

It was such a hot day today…over 100 degrees. After all, it is August. I loved it.

I was thinking about a day when I was nineteen. (pre-Al Gore years) I laid out in the sun one afternoon while on vacation in San Bernardina, California. The temperature on that June day got up to 122 degrees. I had no idea how hot it was until I heard it on my radio. I did not melt, because I’m still here.

Still, with the planets Mercury and Mars heating up…what’s a poor nobody to do?

According to Al Gore, who was on Oprah Winfrey today, the earth is too hot, so we should all buy his book, “An Inconvenient Truth” which now contains the DVD, and give global warming Tupperware parties in our homes! (He already has 100 of them going on all over the country.)

Al Gore’s Global Warming Tupperware Party…is coming to your neighborhood soon. Bring your ice cubes, polar bears slippers, and extra tissue paper to cry in.

He told Oprah today that every single human being on this Earth is throwing up Co2 carbon puke and for this incredible sin, we need to redeem ourselves by donating money to buy 4 trees a month, per person…which will be planted for our sins. He didn’t say where the trees would be planted, or who would plant them…just send your money to Al Gore, and leave it to him.

I wondered if you would get pictures of your “trees” along with a monthly personal letter on how they were doing with their carbon updates.

Where’s Martin Luther when you need him? We need someone to plant a “we do not belong to your church anymore” thesis on Al Gore’s sweating forehead.

So, being as it was too hot, I did a very female thing…I stayed in bed and watched an old Elvis movie, Fun in Acapulco.

It’s a funny thing about old movies, and even books.

The first time I saw this movie, (1963) I thought, “God, how can the great Elvis sell himself out like this? Making a movie full of girls in bikinis…same old thing…lame songs.”

The second time I saw this movie; (1974) I was looking, and being horribly envious of all the great looking girls. Really--- using women like that just to sell movies. Chauvinists!

The third time (today) I was looking at all the landscaping, the hotel, the palm trees, the water, and wondering if the hotel even existed anymore and could I swing a vacation there? (Fat chance.) The scenery was breathtaking, it looked like heaven. Even the rocks were sexy.

I actually followed the story this time. I noticed things I would have never thought about before. For instance: There is a scene in which the very voluptuous (Ursula Andress) but well covered Spanish girlfriend’s father makes an impassioned speech to his daughter about hopefully catching Elvis as a husband.

Why? Because he used to be royalty in his country, but the government took all his assets. Now, he had to work as a lowly chef just to feed himself. It was so sad.

If she married Elvis, she could move to New York. The father said to her that American’s were such forgiving people…he was her father, they would give him a visa too! Then, he could cook in New York!

Actually, I would have stayed at that hotel forever, but that’s me.

So, this movie, which also included a woman bullfighter, was made in 1963? The dream of American promise...wow.

Elvis even sings a song in Spanish, and he did an excellent job, even though the song was pretty stupid. Seeing sixty sombreros stuffed in one frame, surrounding one quivering white guy trying to sing and not run into a trumpet while twitching his hands off was worth it.

I hate to say it, but it took me years to really appreciate Elvis. I grew up with the Beatles. To me growing up, Elvis was like Frank Sinatra.

In fact, I have a theory that whatever is popular when you are going to high school; generally affects you in your taste in music.

Just the other day I had a guy look at a poster in my house of the Beatles, and he said in a very loud voice…”The Beatles were overrated.”

To my own credit, I let him stay.

He worships the Eagles; he grew up listening to them in high school.

Sorry, no comparison. The Eagles were good, The Beatles were genius. (With help from Steve Martin of course.)

Elvis, on the other hand, was walking sex. But, after you got pass his looks, you noticed that hey, this guy really could sing! And perform his ass off.

Looking back, I think that Elvis was very, very, wise in doing all those bikinis movies. (So do all the men in America.) He might have hated them. (As some have reported) but, after the Beatles came on the scene, Elvis was outdated. The English music took over.

He continued to make a very nice living off the movies. He continued to make money for himself and keep himself in the limelight for quite some time.

All those bikinis girls helped him out. Pretty girls, we all know, have been a sure thing for sales.

Rupert Murdoch, (who would have admired Colonel Parker’s take of 50%) is doing the same thing today. Fox news is actually news delivered by foxes. Gorgeous faces are all over the news. CNN is trying to catch up.

Although, is it me? They don't seem as "sexy" as they did in the old beach movies.

I must admit I got nostalgic watching the old movie, and how innocent sex was back then. The simple man chasing the girl was exciting. Girls did not jump into bed right away like today.

And, no matter what any man says, I believe they all like the hunt. Let’s face it…there is nothing like the thrill of it.

Like in welfare, anything given freely is suspected, and not worth as much.

It’s just human nature. I don’t know how many woman I preached to…about that...

“Whatever you do, do NOT go to bed with him on the first date.”

They never listened to me. None of them are married. (There’s a topic for you.)

Elvis’s movies were always light hearted, and the ending was always happy. (Except for one in which he died.)

Ahhhhhh….the good old days. America will never be the same. (Okay, slap me.)

Yes, slap-happy Elvis endings…unlike the movie, An Inconvenient Truth, where Florida, New York, and the North Pole are destroyed completely. Al Gore’s ending for the Earth, is well, ridiculous. It actually promotes suicide.

Oprah called Al Gore “Noah” today, and gave him a big hug.

I’m sure Oprah already has a place on his boat when the flood hits. Hopefully he has room for her wardrobe.

Well, if I have to plant trees when Hillary becomes President. Then I suggest we all insist that, along with our free medical care, we all get to go to Acapulco every year to plant them ourselves.

If we must have communism, and a merger with Mexico, then at least let us suffer on some beach, while listening to old Elvis songs.

After all, Florida will be under water.

Now, if you wondered how I got all these subjects into one essay…let’s just say, I’m still hot.

Unfortunately…Elvis has left the planet.

Al Gore needs to build his boat and go after him.