My "Peanut Butter Will Save the World" Conspiracy

Nobody’s Opinion: Remember the Mel Gibson’s movie Conspiracy Theory? Where Mel played an x-CIA gook named Jerry, who had been trained to be an assassin, and was sent to kill Julia Robert’s Dad, who was a judge, but he didn’t because he saw her as a little girl, and changed his mind?

Remember, everyone thought he was a nut?

What does this have to do with peanut butter, you might ask?

Well, if you have a fine conspiratorial mind such as mine, plenty.

Here we--- (or just let me go there myself, you read and laugh, or spit, whatever, pick at that hangnail…) go…

Last week, on Fox News, Machio Kaku (the ice-skating, physicist) reported that IF the United States was just passed by a huge comet, it COULD play havoc with the Earth’s magnetic systems. All electrical grids would shut down. Cars, computers, hairdryers, stoves, Nintendo games, and also my brand new sonic-electric toothbrush which I am sure is making my teeth rot faster…everything will just stop cold. And most upsetting of all…our sewer systems would all stop working.

I have trouble picking up after my dogs.

Machio said it might take years for the United States to recover. This was very upsetting coming from the professor, because in my conspiratorial mind…he only talked about the United States, as if we would be the only ones affected, which of course, is not exactly very scientific thinking coming from such a giant of scientific thinking, therefore...the...what?

While he was saying this, Michelle Obama was planting crops in the White House lawn.

Okay, fast forward a few days to the Sci- Fi cable channel, the only channel where the earth is destroyed every other second just to entertain us. Saturday they ran three doomsday movies in a row…and in every movie everybody, ran to hide underground.

Hmmmm…Have you noticed the History Channel has been having a whole series of programs telling you where ALL the underground tunnels and caves on the earth are?

Have you also noticed that none of them have peanut butter?

Anyway, the third and biggest Sci-Fi movie called Polar Storm, as if right on a Kaku cue, was a movie about a comet hitting the earth and causing a polar magnetic reversal. Pretty heavy stuff, but once again…all electronics shut down. The earth would be destroyed.

If you have a pace-maker, you will have to rip it out.

So, it’s Sunday, and tonight we read that Obama is taking every single person that works for his government to England. All 200,000 of them. All his favorite people are going, along with 200 bodyguards, and bullet-proof everything..just in case he isn’t as popular as he thinks.

Michelle is taking eight helpers just for her alone. They are also taking ALL the kitchen cooks, their hairdressers, their…many helicopters, Camp David, and probably Stevie Wonder, and Stevie Wonder's hairdresser, cause God knows---he needs one.

Now, stay with me…last week, we had seventeen Navy battleships waiting to shoot down N. Korea’s innocent satellite shot into the sky. Iran can now make the same shot.

And today, I found out that my favorite meal at Red Lobster went up twelve dollars! I thought I was in New York. I was waiting for Frank Sinatra to start singing, at my table.

Sorry, (that has nothing to do with peanut butter.)

So, think of how my conspiracy took hold tonight when I read that Newt Gingrich thinks that we are in grave danger of Iran or N. Korea launching a nuclear attack, above the United States, causing an EMP blackout…which would knock out everything, but leave the buildings intact, so that we could still grow our Michelle gardens.

But millions of us would die because we could not get food.

Now..., here it is....

My "Peanut Butter Will Save The World" Conspiracy Theory

Peanut butter just took a BIG hit. A factory here in the United States knowingly let a big bad infected patch of it get out, lots of people got sick, and way too many died of food poisoning. We all threw out our peanut butter.

And what do people buy the most of and store for emergencies?

You got it…peanut butter.

The G-20 has a lot of members who think that the planet is crowded. So, if the United States gets hit by an EMP, Machio Kaku could come on Fox and say it was a comet, not Iran or North Korea that hit us, so that Americans would not panic or get angry at Bill Clinton for giving them that technology in the first place…

Wait--- nobody knows that. (*Unless you're one that keeps up on these things...)

Millions would die, saving our government lots of money, and therefore all this spending means nothing…because, no one will have to pay back anything, we’ll be destroyed!

But if you can find a tunnel, with some safe peanut butter, you might survive to grow Michelle’s garden.

Now…wasn’t that a lot more fun than listening to Geithner say one more time how great everything was going to be someday?

As I write this, I believe Secretary Geithner is still in the United States. Seems Obama left him here.

I hope he has lots of peanut butter saved up.