Saturday, December 05, 2009

Nobody's E-Mails: How to Handle Beer


Nobody Gets E-Mail-
Tis' the season to be jolly!..and I got the perfect e-mail this week to go with the perfectly jolly announcement from the makers of Samuel Adams Beer...(A beer dear to my patriotic heart, of course.) They have just put out a beer with the alcohol content of 27%, and at $150 a bottle, many a man will want to give it a whirl.
---This delicious looking brew has been banned in 13 states, due to the fact that most people walking the planet would end up walking around in circles, naked, and maybe wearing read slippers, a football helmet, white socks and a thong, if they had a glass---after having set fire to their car.
I figured the beer, released during the holidays, and this email were all carefully planned...an American marketing conspiracy...and a great one too I might add!
So, if you happen to be fortunate enough to actually have a glass of Sam Adams New Utopias special brew...cut this out, and put it in your pocket.
Something tells me you're going to need it.
*****


BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM, CAUSE,---CORRECTIVE ACTION

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Cause: Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Corrective Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Cause: Improper Bladder Control
Corrective Action: Stand next to nearest dog,
complain about lack of house training
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Cause: a. Glass empty.
Cause: b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Cause: You have fallen over backward.
Corrective Action: Have yourself tied to the bar
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
Cause: You have fallen forward
Corrective Action: See above
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Cause: a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Corrective Action: Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
Symptom: Floor Blurred
Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Floor moving
Cause: You are being carried out
Corrective Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Cause: Bar has closed
Corrective Action: Confirm home address with bartender.
If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest
fire escape door. Run .
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Cause: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Corrective Action: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
Cause: You are dancing on the table
Corrective Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking
Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear It's water!
Cause: Somebody is trying to sober you up
Corrective Action: Punch him
Symptom: People are standing around urinals, talking or putting
on makeup.
Cause: You're NOT in the men's room. Do not use urinal!
Corrective Action: Excuse yourself, exist and try the next door down
the hall.
Try to get phone numbers before existing.(optional)
Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
Cause: You have been in a fight
Corrective Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
Cause: You've wandered into the wrong party
Corrective Action: See if they have free beer
Symptom: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
Cause: a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Corrective Action: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted
Cause: The beer is too weak
Corrective Action; Have more beer until your voice improves
Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Cause: Beer is just right
Corrective Action: Play air guitar

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1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amfortas says:

Plied with drink…... Men in Danger.


Women are becoming increasingly desperate to find a mate. ‘Successful’ women particularly, who earn a good living inside bastions of patriarchal power - somehow - say that men don’t like them because they are successful, savvy, intelligent and can buy a round of drinks. Embedded, if you’ll excuse the sexist term, in this complaint, is a new and worrying phenomenon.

The International Men’s Under-Resourced Centre Inc (iMURCI) is warning all men who frequent clubs, parties, local pubs and singles organizations particularly after meeting someone from internet date sites who appears to be successful, savvy, intelligent and can buy a round of drinks, to be very alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug which has flooded the market. The drug is found in liquid form and is available in almost every major city. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs” and is called “Beer”.

“Beer” is used by successful, savvy, intelligent etc female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of “Beer” and then simply ask him home to look at her lingerie collection. Men are rendered completely helpless against this approach, often remembering nothing after the initial approach.

Many times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a scam known as a “relationship”. In extreme cases, the female may even be dastardly enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of sexual sadism called servitude and punishment (S&P) sometimes referred to as “fatherhood”.

This always results in a life-threatening situation where a part of a chap's soul is removed and placed in a baby. More S&P can then be administered well after “relationship” is finished and enforced by special Ex-Family Courts.

Men are advised that these predatory women can be identified by the three words that they usually utter in a soft, suggestive voice – “ What’ll you have”? They have also been known to exhibit samples from their collections right there, in the bar! This entrapment strategy is called ‘giving a flash’.

If you are given ‘a flash’ or offered a drink by a strange woman, especially a successful, savvy, intelligent one who buys drinks or suspect that you are about to be trapped in a situation, the best advice is to inform the bargirl that you are going to sue her for providing an unsafe after-work environment and grab the samples for later evidence – then run for your life.

12:50 AM  

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