Nobody's Absurdities, No. 10

Nobody’s Opinion; Here we are again getting confused. Before the war Hezbollah was a terrorist organization, and now after the war, the very same groups of guys hiding in the bunkers are declared the legitimate militia of Lebanon, therefore they are going to police themselves. I’m sure glad they got that all straightened out, aren’t you?

Terrorits, militia...absurdities know no boundaries in the English language ever since Bill Clinton redefined the meaning of the word “is.”

Accordily, we could all be terrorists. You and I, with terrorist dogs and cats as well.

Frankly, the way that all the Muslims act when they come in contact with a dog, makes me wonder why they don’t just gather up all the strays in the world, and the pit bulls, and send them over. You would see the whole nation clear out, and the children would run the fastest. And what is it with that? Somebody help me out if you know.

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France was going to help out and send men to Lebanon, but now they have announced that troops won’t get there until probably the next century. Of course we all know the French couldn’t protect their own wine glasses, let alone stop a Hezbollah from launching a missile, but they thought they’d make a good impression. After all, the French I hear are excellent at good impressions. They have lots of practice with pick up lines.

Well, they can’t have us dwelling our poor little minds on this absurdity, can they? So what do they do? Resurrected the Jon-Bonet Ramsey story. Every single station, which had only a single line of “He’s confessed, and he was arrested in Bangkok,” was the perfect example of just how really good the American media people. They can concoct hours of graphics and creative writings, and take an absolutely nothing story and turn it into the event of the century.

It was if someone said, “Ok...get off the war…quit. I don’t care how, just do it, and find--- something. Anything. Anything but O.J.. I think we’ve pushed that button so much that it’s poped off. “

What did our President do to get our minds off this seemingly defeat for Israel and therefore, us? He gave us photo-ops on a Harley Davidson.

Is it just me, or have his suits lately looked as if he wears a brand new one for every picture? It almost looks likes he has a new suit for every hour.

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On a lighter note, David Copperfield, the Las Vegas wonder, has announced to the world that he has found the fountain of youth. It just happens to be in the middle of his privately owned resort in the Bahamas, and only the very rich so far can afford to stay there.

Well, since Hillary and Bill have bought a house in the Bahamas, I’m sure they both have visited this fountain, but if you go by Bill’s picture yesterday, it’s not helping him.

And speaking of Bill and Hillary, did you happen to see them together yesterday? They are really having a hard time even standing next to each other…the frauds. If I was in the audience I would yell…”Go on Bill, give her a big kiss. Who here wants to see Bill give Hillary a big smakeroo?? (Crowd claps) Do it for the party!” Oh, I would have so much fun!

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Hey, speaking of ancient rumors, last night on Coast to Coast am, a man named Glen Kimball says that the Ark of the Covenant is most likely in Arkansas.

You’re laughing?…no seriously; I think he could be right. How else do you explain Bill Clinton? No man has broken more of the Ten Commandments, not that I know of. He somehow has an immunity that could only have been developed from being near the actual ark itself.

And if that’s not absurd enough, it was also reported that AOL wants to dig for gold in somebody’s back yard. They think some hacker has millions of gold buried beneath his backyard porch, he owes them, and they want it. He must have mentioned this in an e-mail which they read, because everyone knows they read every e-mail sent.

I think they should go for it. What a story, AOL digs for gold, finds Jimmy Hoffa.

Now, the question is will the taxpayers have to pay for this digging? Of course!

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And speaking of the digging, I’ve just found out that Missouri is on the list for one of the states where the teachers just did not do what the “no child left behind” doctrine told them to do. Which means that they will get no funding from the feds next year, which means my property taxes will go up again, (what, you thought the teachers would suffer?) which means, I’d better take a vacation this year. Hawaii, Utah and Wisconsin also failed. Now, I can see why good teachers might not want to be in Missouri, but Hawaii?

Nobody’s Perfect; Jimmy Carter, said today that Israel’s attack on Lebanon was unjustified. I don’t think Jimmy will be going to Tel Aviv anytime soon, due to the fact that 70% of the people of Israel did not want to stop the attacks.

Actually, I’m surprised he’s not at Castro’s bedside.

Nobody Knows; Today John. Hinckley, the guy who shot Reagan, wanted to spend more time with his family. You know, I’ve always thought that this business of him saying that he was doing it to impress Jodie Foster sounded a bit lame. I’m sure there were an awful lot of people wanting Reagan dead. It also seems absurd that they even let him out to visit his family. Why don’t they just visit him?

This is a conspiracy long overdue. It beats picture after picture of Jon- Bonet strutting her stuff any day.

Nobody Cares; Syria wants the Golan Heights, and Iran is having war games. I bet these countries are not making people watch reruns of a little girl in cowboy outfits.

Don’t worry, it’s all absurd.