Monday, February 26, 2007

Oscar, The Hermaphrodite


Nobody’s Opinion: After watching the 79th Oscar presentation last night, I’ve come to five conclusions;

Oscar is a hermaphrodite, along with Ellen Degeneres, Melissa Etheridge, and possibly, Al Gore.

Movies are now made for propaganda reasons, not art.

Leonardo DiCaprrio is going to look the age of 12 when he is fifty, much like Michael J. Fox, and have about as much sense.

The Oscars are now globalized, and “green.”

My reasons for seeing just one movie last year, was well founded.

Having said this: If you missed the show, here is a nobody’s observation coming from my nobody’s bedroom.

8:30---The show stated out as a huge ego fest of the most boring clips of various movie people ever committed to celluloid. Within seconds I was missing Billy Crystal.
8:36---Ellen Degneres, comes out in a black tux, but with full makeup, and ladies earrings, thereby trying to make us all guess, is she a man or a woman? She insults Americans by insinuated we are all fat, and says the great Al Gore really won the Presidency, to which the biggest standing ovations and applause of the night is heard.

Nothing like a couple of hermaphrodites to warm up the crowd.

8:44---
Ellen picks up a tambourine and does her daily TV routine, where she dances. Gee, you would have thought she could have come up with something a bit more original, but no. Gays are entertaining just being gay. A gospel choir comes out to try to keep religious Americans from turning off the show.
8:45---Art Direction Oscar goes to the Italians for what looks like a Fellini rip-off.
called Pan’s Labyrinth.
8:53---Two comedians are dancing and singing and I could care less. I think I was reading something. I did look up and see the guy from King Kong sliding across the floor, with a Top Hat. He can’t sing either.

So far, three pretty bad comedians, one hermaphrodite.

8:59
---The Danes win an award. The Danes can now go jump in the warm water of the Artic Sea and celebrate. Keeping up the diversity.
9:00---Clint Eastwood said something about Iwo Jima. I didn’t hear it, but from what I’ve been reading lately, the movies he has made about the war are not exactly flattering to the United States. Clint is still sharp, but getting up there.
9:11---And as if we could care, a sound effects demonstration is put on, which is about as exciting as watching Clint Eastwood talk. No, I take that back. Even Peter O’Tool snoring in his chair is more exciting. But Clint’s film Iwo Jima wins for sound. Clint is a big liberal promoter. He must get something.
9:20--- Alan Arkin gets best supporting actor, which is presented as a surprise. But everyone knows who is going to win despite what the disclaimers says at the end of the show because all the great camera shots are lined up ahead of time, therefore what seat you are assigned tips you off.

Life is full of this BS stuff…isn’t it?

9:25---It has now been an hour, and Ellen picks up the excitement as she gives Martin Scorsese a script for a movie she wants to be in. Actually, I didn’t think it was a joke.

Maybe it was called, “Raging Hermaphrodite.”

One hour down. My god, have I really given into this?

9:29---Randy Newman and James Taylor sing a song. James Taylor, who had maybe two hits his whole life, is always on the Oscars. He sings like a hermaphrodite. The animated cars in the seats are cute, in fact, the best thing up to this point.
9:33---Melissa Etheridge sings the song “I Need to Wake Up.” Not only is this an understatement on her part, but it is what every person in the TV audience is thinking when they see the screen in back of her telling us all to start riding bicycles to work. Melissa is looking very feminine also, with makeup and earrings. The song is from Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth and the the inconvenient truth is: I really can’t tell what sex she is…she could be a turtle. She looks like Hillary’s little sister.
9:35---This is Al Gore’s big cue. Leonardo DiCarpprio is so obsequiously sucking up in front of the whole world to his hero the hermaphroditic green man, that he wants to get him to run for President again.
9:43---Ellen comes out with three of the worst jokes ever told in the history of mankind, which she says are recycled in honor of Al Gore. Was this comment on Al Gore?.....nah.

Then Cameron Diaz comes out and gives the environment propaganda cartoon of the year, “Happy Feet” an Oscar. Why Ice Age Two was not nominated was beyond me, because the whole world was destroyed in that little money maker too. The kids are having nightmares about their beds going under water. They go to bed with life preservers.
9:45---The great American historian, Ben Affleck, introduces a film montage about writers, which probably took all of one afternoon to put together. Ben has had so many flops lately, that he is trying to remind the powerful of Hollywood…maybe he should write.
9:49--- Some guy who won an Oscar for best screenplay told everyone that:

“Valium does work.”

As if Hollywood didn’t know.

9:59---France wins an Oscar for costume. Some French people come out and talk in that French way we all admire. Okay, we are making the world happy.

10:00---FINALLY. Tom Cruse presents Sherry Lansing a Humanitarian award making sure that everyone knows she is working with Jimmy Carter. Sherry has left the powerful of Hollywood, only to go to the very top of the world. The bottom of Sherry’s face doesn’t seem to be attached to the top.
10:10---Ellen goes down and has Spielberg take a picture of her and Clint. She worked very hard coming up with this.

Gwyneth Paltrow takes about the wonder of cellphones, and says thanks to them we are all cinematographers---Bit of a stretch I’d say.

10:23 Since France hates us so, they bring out Catherine Deneuve, who is probably about 90 by now and besides Bridget Bardot, was the only thing that the French gave the world besides the Statue of Liberty. She is there to praise Foreign Films. We see another montage promoting films we could never understand, but will be coming to our neighborhoods soon. Pretty bad stuff.

10:32--- It’s gotten down to this: Ellen is doing hand shadow puppets.
10:33 Girl from American Idol gets Oscar, all fans are happy, including God.
10:41---China wins Oscar for documentary on aids in China. Can’t leave them out.
10:44--- Al Gore again? He finally gets his Oscar and push for climate control and your money, and revenge on Bill Clinton.
10:50--- Clint Eastwood presents Oscar to Ennio Marricone and even translates his Italian which takes about twenty minutes. Who knew Clint could actually understand Italian? My husbands translations were much better.
10:55--- Celine Dion sings a very lovely song by him, which is NOT included to run for the song of the year, because it would have won over Al Gore’s theme song, which they want us all to learn.

Okay…this was the worst of the worst. Someone could have at least bashed the President again, or Iraq.

11:06--- It’s getting hard to keep up the torture. Some guy named Gustavo Santaolalla wins for best score for a film “that helped us understand better who we are and why and what are we here for.”
I’m glad to hear someone has finally figured this out. I think he works for La Raza, but I’m not sure. The Mexicans are watching this for the first time.

They will be talking about it on all the truck stops all over America.

11:20--- Jennifer Lopez introduces The Dream Girls, who sing songs that makes no sense whatsoever, but they themselves are happy, so, who am I to say anything.
11:27--- Melissa Etherege wins for her song to save herself. She kisses her wife, and thanks her four kids, and announces that Al Gore has saved the world.
11:35---Will Smith shows a montage of American movies. Most every scene trashes America, but the very last clip shows James Browns, with the American flag waving behind him.

I think I’m going to be sick. I’m reaching for the Advil. Jodie Foster announced all the dead people. I go to the bathroom.

11:52--- Best Actress goes to…no kidding…THE QUEEN, which is a film explaining to the whole world just why the Queen was such a snob when Princess Dianna died.

I can’t wait to see this one.

If you don’t think this film was made just to try to brighten up the tarnished QUEEN’s image, you would have no doubt when Helen Mirren holds the Oscar up high and says “Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you…the QUEEN!”

Proving my point. Oscar is a hermaphrodite.

12:00: Ellen is vacuuming down in the front isle. She is finally working. The rich are not amused.

Forest Whitaker wins for best actor, gives best speech of the night. AFRICA is pleased.

In the end, Spielberg, George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola present an Oscar to Martin Scorsese. Because they all felt he needed one.

After all, it’s only fair that no one feel slighted---not any country, not any race or gay person.

The great Oscar promotion for diversity, Al Gore, and gender confusion throughout the world, was finally over.

The entertainers, now only entertain themselves.

I have always wondered why the Oscar had no gender…and now I know.

Also noted, Oscar has no brain either.

And that’s why someday, Oscar will have to get some boobs.

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