Friday, May 04, 2007

Bill Clinton's Global Fat Flu

Nobody’s Opinion: Yesterday, Citizen Bill Clinton has come out once again to save the world from…hurricanes and obesity. Not necessarily in that order.

He has decided that the words “global warming” and Hillary’s failed “universal socialist health plans” are not exactly popular at this moment, so being the clever boy that he is, he has decided to get the Americans to vote for Hillary by using…good old fashioned fear.

Yes, the fear of fat is coming. Beware. Be scared. It’s destroying the earth faster than weapons of mass destruction! Faster than an Ice Cap melting! What WILL we do!

Bill is so scared of fat (And who could blame him after Monica) that he has banished soda from all American schools. And now he is personally going around the country thinking up crummy tasting menus for our American students.

Instead of doing the obvious thing, like putting back Physical Education classes, thereby cutting into important programs like “recycling” and “multi-culturalism:” Bill thinks it’s the cafeteria food that needs to be changed.

Of course he says some school systems can’t afford the very expensive French menu stuff yet…property taxes being what they are…

I’m sure when Hillary is elected all that will change. In fact, if Hillary is elected, because of the great fear that Bill has of this fat disaster waiting to happen, Bill will personally TAX every pound of fat that our “citizens” dare to keep on thier selfish bodies.

The man is unbelievably driven.

And if we want to eat that extra cupcake, we can buy “fat coupons” to send into the Medicare system, to help pay for all those baby boomers who are being pumped full of hormones, and pumped up from the stress of working two to three jobs and getting no sleep.

You think it won’t be arranged?

Bill Clinton could think of a way to tax your fingernails.

Just today, it was reported that 30 millions chickens are being destroyed because the chickens were eating the same stuff from the Chinese that killed our pets.

Which makes you wonder….maybe it’s the Chinese that are making us fat, on purpose? Just how much of our “livestock” eats dog food from China?

Personally, I think we should have a fat debate. Fat has a good side. For instance:

1. It can actually save you money. Fat people have about two pair of pants to wear and four shirts. If they were slim, they would be spending thousands of dollars on clothes, and trying to look like Paris Hilton. Therefore they can save more for retirement, and less money to China.

2. Fat people don’t have to worry about sexual harassment. (Unless you happen to be the lady at the top) Therefore there is one less feminist to sue you.

3. Fat people ALWAYS bring extra food to a party, saving you money.

4. Fat people are starting a whole new industry on new fat seats…for movie theaters, planes, and life rafts.

5. Fat people actually SAVE money on the Medicare system, because if they have a heart attack or stroke, they will more than likely…die instantly.

6. Fat people will never have to fear a hurricane, because they float.

7. Everyone seems to love a fat gal. Rosie and Oprah are proof of that.

8. And due to all the electrical grids breaking down all over the country lately, fat people stay warmer, and therefore save on energy bills.

9. And let’s not forget the enormous amount of money they are making for the pharmaceutical companies making fat pills for $40.00 a bottle.

10. I'm sure the extra tax money going to the government is well appreciated, because the cars are burning extra fuel to haul around all that weight…fat people are actually paying for Ted Kennedy’s trips to Iraq.

As we see from the above picture, this woman actually has an advantage that a thinner person would love to have…never to have to pay extra for additional air bags.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Bill isn’t making a “fat” disaster movie as we speak. He could take a tip from Al and show a big picture graft of the land masses actually disappearing under the weight of fat people. The only land left on the earth will be the Matterhorn, and maybe Mt. Everest.

And that’s GOT to be scary to Bill. I doubt if he has ever scaled anything higher than…well, let’s not go there.

We should all be glad to know that the Kennedy School is spending $1.5 million to study just why in the heck governments across the world have not prepared for the fat disaster, Bill sure can’t figure it out.

Maybe it’s because too many people are starving…

In the end his best advice was “The next President (meaning Hillary) should solve the “biggest, baddest problems” (fat chance, she hasn’t been able so far to control him) Never appoint incompetent allies to positions of disaster response. (you mean Nagin?) Never let ideology blur scientific evidence (yeah, tell Al) and cooperate nationally and internationally…

Which means all fat people on the earth should pay higher taxes to the U.N.

I call that “fat” discrimination, and if I were as big as this girl, I’d sit on him….

Of course, Bill’s such a liar…he would probably like it.

Nobody’s Perfect: I love it…now they call obesity…an epidemic. I guess they just couldn’t get that bird flu virus going. Epidemic is a good “fear” word.

Nobody Knows:
Monica was not exactly a “thin” girl….neither is Hillary. This shows you that Bill is not scared of “fat” at all and further proof that this is all about money.

Nobody Cares; Richard Simmons, kooky as he is, was trying to get Physical Education put back into all the schools, but the government could have cared less. And hey, what happened to Arnold’s great efforts with schools? Give him time; Arnold will probably host the movie with Bill.

Then before it is released, they will both have second heart attacks. (Just kidding…)

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