Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Nobody's Absurdities, No. 43...These Events Took Place Between 10am and 11am...


Nobody’s Opinion; Don’t mind me, since I’m on 43, I thought that I’d try to look at all the absurdities in the world in a more 24-Jack Bauer way…blame it on the pizza I had for breakfast.

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10:01 am
: Rosie O’Donnell, after doing her crouch grab in front of the very rich and famous, today announced on her “View,” that since the show wanted her for THREE MORE YEARS…and she just couldn’t go on that long, she will be gone in June. Upon hearing the news, Bill O’Reilly said that she was fired by Disney, but Glenn Beck says that she wants her own program again. Either way, the fact that she curled her hair to make the announcement means that they are both right. It was the top news of the day.

10:05 am: Not to be upstaged, Alex Baldwin announces that he is tired of TV and wants to get out of his contract because: “There’s a bigger thing I want to do, there are more important things I want to do.” Which means he plans to write a book, run for Hillary’s senator’s seat--- from France, donate his sperm to Rosie, and join the Muslim faith in order to help ban pork.

10:11 am: Carl Bernstein announced that he is going to come out with his new book, “Because She Can…” no wait, the title will be, “Hillary Clinton; A Woman in Charge.” This is a favor Carl owes Hillary for helping him get Nixon impeached so long ago. Many are wondering just how he is going to fill up over 600 pages with the things she has been in charge of…because no one else can come up with a thing.

10:17 am: Not to be outdone, George Tenet comes out with HIS book, in which we do not find out why he was the most incompetent man that ever served as head of the CIA, but we DO find out that, like Jack Bauer has shown, torture works. He describes the very nice way they do it though, through “enhanced interrogation techniques.” Which means they make the terrorists watch videos of Rosie O’Donnell over and over and over...

10:22 am: A planet is found…we all go to commercial and eat fast food.

10:26 am; DANGER: Rudy Giuliani has come out foretelling the fearful prospect of what will happen if Democrats get elected in 2008---another 9/11. This statement alone sent Obama into his own fear upon hearing the truth being spoken so clearly. He had to do something, so he countered that Rudy is taking “fear to a new low.” Actually the thought of having Obama as President is about as low (next to Hillary) as a country could get.

10:31 am: Obama says that because he can speak their language, the terrorists will never harm us. Once he says “hi” on al Jazzera, they will love all Americans. The plot is getting scary. Americans take a restroom break; they use too many sheets…because they can.

10:44 am: Update; bin Laden claimed that it was he that tried to kill Dick Cheney in Iraq and planned the attacks, which would have saved Dennis Kucinich a lot of time and effort in his impeachment plans. In 1997, bin Laden was also seen in a California Mall, sitting in his Limo, with a big group of partying Muslims, evidently doing what all liberals do at California parties. When a simple man off the street asked him if he was going back to Afghanistan he said “Yes, my country needs me.” The man was arrested, for not arresting bin Laden, leaving George Tenet to go on another day.

10:48 am: Al Gore sends out global warming soldiers to attack all schools, nursing homes, and shopping malls screens. They all wear clothes of green shredded toilet paper. CTU goes on high alert.

10:50 am: According to Rush Limbaugh, seal hunters are somewhere trapped in ICE. He suggests they wait for global warming to help them out. CTU goes on high/high alert. (Chloe rolls her eyes.)

10:52 am: A tornado hits a Mexican border town, and kills ten, and leaves hundreds homeless. None of the news station show pictures, because most of the people harmed were illegal aliens, and they fear the repercussions from conservatives in an election year.

10:53 am: Condoleezza Rice is served a subpoena during her dinner with President Bush. She puts it in her linen napkin, and continues to eat.

10:55 am: Wolfowitz, the President of the World Bank, hires one of Clinton’s old lawyers to help him keep his job at the World Bank. Gonzales also hires one of Clinton’s old lawyers to help him keep his job, so does Phil Specter. So does Howard Stern, and Don Imus. Since so many lawyers have worked for the Clintons they get ten percent.

10:56 am: Reports are let out that Cho, the killer at VT, actually only had nine minutes to spray 170 bullets, thereby correcting the first facts reported that he was shooting for over 20 minutes. Like Global warming, facts are altered to fit the much needed new legislation of getting rid of guns and cars, and people with mental problems, which does not include elected officials.

10:57 am: Very quietly, while people are watching video recordings of American Idol, the post office is creating a monopoly for Time Warner to put of business all the little political magazines that inform the people, by raising their postage rates. The monopolistic big one world government marches on…but, this is not reported.

10:58 am: All the people in America have gone to lunch. But while they are out efforts are being made for all of their vitamins, supplements, and favorite herbs to be put under the FDA prescriptions, to go along with universal health care.

After all, you don’t REALLY want to live to be an old man or woman in a society with all these absurdities…do you? They don’t want you to either.

10:59 pm: Good News! Australia has told Snoop Dog he cannot come into their country. Which means, at least in some other part of the world, the next 24 hours will be having a nice celebration. China is also going to provide clear days for the Olympics by making it rain with cloud seeding, thereby giving Spielberg perfect days for filming!

Meanwhile, here comes the next 43 hours of absurdities. Will the Democrats actually veto the funding for the war? Will Alex Baldwin actually leave the U.S.? Will Hillary learn how to speak like Scarlett O’Hara?, Will Bill Clinton get Daddy Bush to make a last jump out of the plane coming back from Yeltin’s funeral in Russia?

Will your dog live to see another day? ---You’ll have to wait, there are commercials.

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Okay…I know none of this is in ACTUAL order of any kind, but nobody said I couldn’t have a little fun. After all, it is my god-given, pursuit of happiness, Thomas Jefferson, right….right? RIGHT!

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