Friday, May 25, 2007

Diamonds Are NOT a Girl's Best Friend

Nobody’s Opinion: Reading MND’s many articles about “feminism” lately has really been fun. To diamond…or NOT to diamond, seems to be certainly as serious a debate as the “No MMD’s were found.”

Why…men giving diamonds to women should be outlawed! It’s disgraceful! It’s downright extortion! No woman is worth it! After all, what does HE get out of it but huge debt!

Long ago, the bride had a dowry, which consisted of goats, land, gold, sheep, and an extra sister or two to help out with the cooking.

It was the man who got the “presents.” When did it change?

With the first prostitute?

Being as I have never liked diamonds at all, thinking them a pretty boring stone unless you can buy at least something as big as the Queen’s…and being as it has been a ceremonial custom in the Christian religion for so long (And I am a sucker for traditional institutions, which are being torn away) --- I hate to go into the subject…but I must agree with everyone on one point.

I too have noticed there are many women who think that the wedding set they have on their fingers is actual proof of their superiority over all other women, and physical proof of their superiority over the man who gave it to them.

It’s the same reason they can sell thousand dollar purses to idiots…vanity.

I happen to wear a plain gold wedding band, which was bought at Grandpa’s Pigeons. We got TWO gold bands for the bargain price of $100.00. (Okay…gold-plated)

There was no engagement. We skipped that part.

We were ecstatic because at the time, it was about all we could afford. Who knew Grandpa Pigeon carried wedding bands next to the fishing tackle? What luck!

But I have run into those certain types of woman, you know the kind, and they can spoil my whole afternoon. They are convinced that they are somehow the greatest and most sexiest woman who ever walked the earth, who are just passing their time as a cashier selling perfume, or working at the local government food stamp place…these women seem to be everywhere.

There's a lot of them in banks.

They usually have the biggest, gaudiest diamond sticking off their hand SO high that they could easily open cans of pork and beans, puncture tires, or cut a slice of watermelon.

In fact, they can barely move their fingers, which usually have fake fingernails worth a quarter of their husband’s salaries.

And they WAVE it in front of your face (me) so much as if to say, “Well, look what MY husband got me. That means that YOU are a loser, and I am adored and I am as good in bed as Pamela Anderson. Honey, I GOT him around my little finger. I am the BOMB! ”

I immediately put on my best “Oh…that’s sooooo beautiful!” remark…and start feeling bad, which is exactly what they want you to feel to make themselves feel great.

I have made many a woman’s day when they look at my simple gold band, and they NEVER thank me, the hussy’s.

Inside I hope their husbands are cheating on them.

But, if you think that it ENDS with the diamonds…it doesn’t. The diamond is only the start. For instance: women compete with other women in little seemingly trivial matters…and they are ruthless.

Cooking and gardening can actually become lethal weapons.

Example: One year, my husband decided he was going to put up a small water fountain with a garden in the front of our front porch. We really got into it. He has an excellent eye for color, and it was something we did together…in fact, every year we expand on it.

Although---it did seem a bit strange when he got me to carry 500 bricks from the back yard to the front while all he did was placed them in place.

He’s so smart. He knew my wedding band would not get damaged.

Then, the strangest thing happened. All of a sudden, every man on the block was out in front of their houses putting in new brick walls, borders, shrubs, and flowers arrangements…poor guys. All the while the wives were standing on the front porch supervising them.

No blond hussy was going to challenge their gardening expertise!

Of course…we did such a good job…all the women hated me. Especially my next door neighbor.

You see, she had a gardenia bush, and I LOVE gardenias. Hers died last year and you guessed it…I had bought one after hers died.

I was so excited that I practically BEGGED her to come over and see it.

“No.” she said.

“Well, why don’t you get yourself another one” I said.

“I don’t have that kind of money.”

Now I know why she is always taking communion.

Yesterday, some lady rang my door and asked me if she could enter me in the “contest” for the best looking homes in the neighborhood.

So there it is. My neighbor is jealous of my diamond ring garden. She has a garden from K-mart.

She also has bad knees.

It doesn’t stop with gardens; it goes on to the INSIDE of the house. All the women will want to remodel their kitchen, their bedrooms, and the bathrooms where they put up towels that you must NEVER EVER touch.

I did that one time, and some kid (who was five at the time) asked me in the middle of summer…

“Why don’t you put away your Christmas towels in the bathroom?”

“Because I LIKE penguins and Santa, they make me happy!”

I didn’t want to tell him that I couldn’t afford to buy summer towels. (Well, actually I did tell him, but he didn’t believe me.)

So, as you can see…I’m still confused about this feminist thing. I’m not convinced that a woman milking a man for a diamond ring is exactly a “feminist” issue.

I think it’s a vanity-ego thing--all the way.

If my husband ever wanted to buy me a diamond, I’d probably say “How sweet of you honey, but how about a swimming pool instead?”

I’m not vain. I just want to make my neighbors jealous.

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