The Senate Needs Your Help

Nobody Knows: Who this woman is…but she was seen talking to Ted Kennedy near the Senate's men’s room. No one knows what she said to Ted Kennedy because she spoke in Spanish, but the words “Bush” and “La Rasa” and then the words, “Allah Puta” even came out of her mouth…which really shocked the janitor, an illegal immigrant named Juan, who was busy washing the marble floors nearby. Juan was raised as a Catholic.

He also said, after the above words were spoken, Ted Kennedy spit on the floor, and Juan had to clean the whole marble floor all over again.

Juan would not report just exactly what she said to Ted Kennedy, but she has been coming into the Senate meetings for some time now, saying that she was actually Ted’s cousin twice removed.

At least that’s what she told Dianne Feinstein, who has been seen buying the obviously very poor woman lunch.

She has also been seen going in and out of the downstairs ladies restroom, probably to wash her hands, which is a good thing says Juan, because she smells like a rotten peanut.

Once, Juan even saw this lady with no name being escorted by Hugo Chavez through statuary hall.

When they came to the statue of Thomas Jefferson, Hugo stopped and yelled, “DEVIL!” and the lady said something in English…which of course Juan didn’t understand, but he saw Hugo kiss her hand.

Juan thought that was pretty strange being as she is not exactly a woman of any real beauty. In fact, Juan thinks she must be at least over sixty-five.

Still…everyone in the Senate seems to be very fond of her. So fond in fact, that she is even allowed to sleep over at night…

Juan says that every time she passes him by, she whispers to him…”Soon Juan…Soon. After this weekend and all will be well…”

This ALWAYS confuses Juan because he can’t speak English, but she says it so sweetly and smiles, that Juan feels all good inside.

Juan doesn’t know what this means, but he hopes it means that Ted Kennedy will finally stop spitting on the floor and messing up the lounge room with all his late night parties.

Anyway, if anyone knows who this poor woman is…even though Juan heard someone say she was “irrelevant” he thinks someone should give her a home….

So Juan wants me to ask you to call your Senators tonight…and help the mystery woman get a life…in Venezuela.

Because in Venezuela, Juan says, she will be taken care of, and will have to roam the halls of Congress no more.

I'm calling mine right now.