Thursday, June 07, 2007

Nobody's Aburdities, No. 45--A Grocery List of Dichotomies


Nobody’s Opinion: While making out my grocery list this morning, I found myself counterpunching myself in the head with the various issues of the day. How was I ever going to get myself organized until I got the absurd mess in my head straighten out?

Then I heard the news that the General Mills Corporation was going to be charging more for their breakfast cereals due to the high gas prices. But because they were going to put them in smaller boxes, your price would be cheaper…fooling the public once again into having to buy more for their buck. The box, like your potato chip bag, will be generously filled with air, which you can breathe if you like.

Anyway, that explains how that dog food taste crept into my Quaker Oat Meal. China after all needs cheap oil too.

This news didn’t stop me from making a grocery list of absurdities in order to come to some kind of reasonable decision…so many dichotomies…so little time. God forbid I get stuck in rush hour traffic.
So, here in no particular schizophrenic grocery-list order, are my Nobody’s lists of current absurdities, filed lovingly under Number 45.

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Let me see if I got this straight:

From the Fruit Department: Libby VS Jefferson:

Some guy named “Scooter” Libby has been given a thirty month jail sentence for telling someone on the phone that some hot blond used to work for the CIA. (Used to work are the important key words here.) Scooter’s main crime was basically, according to the New York Times, who actually never mentioned just exactly what Libby did that was so terrible, was that it was Libby who planned the Iraq war (mentioned about every other line) and he was working for the most evil man in the world---Vice President Cheney. Last time I looked, both the “Wilsons” (the abused) did not look damaged at all, but very happy and wealthy. In fact, the woman (Valerie) looks so good, Rush Limbaugh wants a date.

So who did Libby hurt? Her “secret” was actually known among most of the press, and if anything, this nobody citizen thinks it’s awfully suspicious that two people who were BEST friends with Bill and Hillary Clinton, were the ones who put out the story about Saddam maybe or maybe not buying nukes in Africa. In other words…the hot mamma and her angry husband also could have made the whole “whatever” about WMDs on order of a former President whose wife would benefit from that “lie,” especially if a whole war was based on the “lie”…and from a very big liar himself…but now Libby lied…it’s all so confusing. Obviously the fruitcakes have nuts in them.

The other guy…William Jefferson, was found with $90,000 of extortion money in his fridge, and was ALSO caught money laundering small fortunes from African stock options, which are probably still in his fridge in the Bahamas. Not to mention he was taking bribes even on the sacred Senate floor, which has not been sacred since the first footprint. He has been charged with 16 felonies…MUCH worse than a telephone conversation one would think. Still, Jefferson gets reelected, and told that maybe in the future he will be asked to step down from the Senate, but the chances of that happening are slim.

They need him in Louisiana so they say. Who else has got the money to help those people out?

Since Mr. Libby did not deal drugs, and is not needed in any state, he will probably not get a pardon but will rot in jail. William Jefferson…will go on to become the next Vice President.

When buying fruit, you must be prepared to remember that it goes rotten fast.

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From the Mexican Food Department: Protected Borders VS Invasion

In order to protect our borders, we need a fence. But, it’s going to have to wait because we don’t have enough money. Taxpayers money is going to rebuild Iraq instead, which is very hard to do since every two minutes a bomb is going off and replacing those marble toilets in Saddam’s palaces are not that easy. BUT that doesn’t discourage our Big American Contractors--- Oh NO! We will continue to build new schools, new hotels, new embassies, new military bases, new hospitals, and new Starbucks, and not only in Iraq--- but all over the world! (Why everyone hates us is a real mystery.)

In fact, this is such a huge endeavor that our own border guards, planes, and equipment are being sent everywhere we can put down a McDonalds, leaving our own borders completely open to anyone who cares to head across: drug lords and terrorists have especially big families to bring in and LOTS of big weapons to take in and out! Because of this our own drug use has risen dramatically, along with crime, and rape, prisons overloads…and bad Mexican food…but we American’s now have cheap spinach! Never mind that spinach and fruit was cheap even before the Mexicans started picking it…but these cheap prices will not last due to the gas shortages.

In the meantime, the whole electrical infratstructure of the United States broke down last year. New Orleans, Alabama, and the rest of Mississippi... will be rebuilt sometime after the rest of the world is rebuilt. (4012) First things first.

George W. Bush, on this D-Day, has even…just to show what a great guy he is, decided to protect Europe with a cool missile defense system put on their borders. Here he has made sure we American get messages daily to be prepared for a nuclear attack---maybe 7 cities will be nuked.

I guess we will get our missile shield later.

My advice from the Mexican Food Department…don’t drink the water, don’t brush your teeth, and find a friendly Mexican to mow your lawn, whether you can afford one or not.

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From the Cookie Department: Al Gore VS American Who Like to Drive Cars

Al Gore has such a sweet tooth…that he is going to save us all from, as Bush so delicately put it,“being addicted to oil.” Yes, we Americans are porking out on greasy oil so badly it’s running down our cheeks. It’s disgusting. American is being asked to conserve energy. By adding our carbon prints and donating trees to Indonesia, Al Gore will make money so that he can pay HIS big carbon footprint, and that’s important for us to know. So important the NBC has given him 85 free hours on TV to tell us about it. Al Gore is a real cookie junkie. He is a real Oreo. And he wants YOU to change your habits. Rich people do not have to do this, because they can afford decent food, and therefore they never get fat off cookies. And if we don’t do this, we will surely die.

On the other hand, the American people are being told it’s our own fault for wanting to drive bigger cars in order to NOT BE KILLED in little weenie cars. More people are killed every year by car accidents than by any IRAQ WAR!

What? (Okay, my research assistant took the day off, but I do know that’s a fact.)

But, that’s beside the point. By now, we all know that oil reserves are NOT made by dinosaurs but oil is actually abundant everywhere. And like the government paying the farmers NOT to grow food, the oil company is NOT making oil refineries because they are BOTH making too much money! And diamonds are being kept off the market to up the price, so that greedy women will have them on Valentine’s Day and small boys in Africa can listen to rap music and shoot guns! (I know, it’s a pretty good movie) And if that’s not bad enough, this ethanol from corn, will drive the price of everything up even more than the oil…because it costs more to make fuel from corn than oil and pollutes more too, which will mean even MORE carbon dollars for Al, who despite what he thinks, will die of an overdose of sugar.

It also means Americans will have no more corn to eat. The Mexicans are already pissed off about it.

My advice…do not buy cookies…they are already on your computer. (I couldn’t help it.)

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From the Meat Department: Christianity VS Islam;

One man draws a cartoon of Mohammed in a paper, and cases riots and condemnations all over the world. For that crime, billions of taxpayers money is handed over to the Saudi Princes so that they can built schools and Mosques IN the United States, which teaches all their little Muslim children how to hate the very people who welcome them into their country by never asking them for a minute to get a life and take off their stupid burkes. They are never stopped at airports, but can walk into any terminal without suspicion and the security guard will let them pass, but they WILL stop the cute blond with the laptop, every single time.

Christians on the other hand must take down all representations of the ten commandments posted anywhere, and be ordered to stop singing, “God Bless America,” while the Muslims will continue to have special places built just so they can pray five times a day, no matter what they are doing.

The difference between the two religions is like a slice of baloney and a Porterhouse Steak. We are becoming a nation of baloney. Pass the mustard.

My advice is: Learn how to barbeque.

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And as if this was not enough to think about, the very serious discussions of men and woman issues got heavy yesterday on MND…I remember reading about flaccid penis’s on the blog.

Flaccid penis’s VS Un-Flaccid penis. It’s come to this.

Well, I have news for the feminists. You are not equal. You will never be equal. BUT…if you start seeing “boyie” magazines where men are standing in various stages of Un--flaccid penis poses…thereby causing all men to compare their various sizes, and then thousands of men are reported spending millions to get BIG UN-FLACCID penis implants…

Then I’d say…you’ve come a long way baby.

By the way…this Nobody apologizes to Denis Noe...a most prolific and very intelligent writer about all these men things….I’m just having a bit of whipped cream fun before the baloney hits the fan, Denis, forgive me.

After THAT subject…I’ve just decided to grocery shop tomorrow.

Nobody Cares; The above picture happens to be an actual Walrus’s Un-flaccid penis. Thank you to Dave Barry, the proud owner, for the picture

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