Sunday, February 22, 2009

Nobody Wins Slum-Dog Oscar

Nobody’s Opinion: If you watched the Oscars tonight, then you know one thing for sure: the movie industry must really be hurting, because The Oscars went back to presenting old-fashioned Hollywood elegance, complete with People’s sexist man alive, Hugh Jackson doing old Fred Astaire song and dance numbers.

I could have done without all the shots of Meryl Streep and her daughter in the front row, but that’s me.

And too bad we had to watch Comrade Sean Penn win Oscar’s Best Actor and Homo Savior-of-the-year award, and then have to listen to his speech about how everyone in the United States that doesn’t give homosexuals the right to marry should feel great, great shame for themselves and their children.

Nobody is questioning whether Sean Penn can act. What we do question is the fact that he should be telling the people of the world what to think, and how to vote. And to show that he has no clue what a “communist” actually is: he kept calling everyone “commie, homo-loving, sons of guns.”

Really, next year he should just bring Chavez, and give him a big kiss on stage.

Forget Sean---let’s talk about the handsome Mr. Jackson, who did a wonderful and classy job hosting the show. In fact, I could have done with more of him, and less of the very boring program: who knew he was a big Broadway Star?

We all want to get caught up in the glamour of Hollywood. Most of us, work so hard everyday, that we need escape just to stay sane. It was nice to see them honor Jerry Lewis. It was great to see Sophia Loren. And all the ladies looked divine.

BUT---unlike the movies of old, all five movies nominated were pretty much off the beaten path, and Hugh Jackson even made a joke about it.

I had not seen any of them, and watching the Oscars made me realize, I really didn’t care if I ever, ever, saw any of them, unless it was on a late night special five years from now.
Which is why, I actually could predict every single winner, of the night, without seeing any of them, with a simple trick: I just picked the nomination that promoted the biggest liberal agenda at the moment…It worked every single time.

I should get an Oscar for picking every single winner, without any knowledge whatsoever of any of them. If it wasn’t so depressing, I would have been quite proud of myself.

The first award for best supporting actress, was Penelope Cruise, who thanked everyone, except the real reason she had managed to get up there…Tom Cruise. Tom should get an Oscar just because he has done more for Hollywood than any one person. He marries unknown foreign actresses, divorces them, and they go on to make blockbusters year after year, employing thousands. I knew she would win, because I knew she would speak Spanish…and she did! Got to get us used to that Spanish-speaking you know

Then came the screenwriters. I picked the screenwriter for MILK, because that’s another liberal theme in promotion. Sure enough, the screen writer was gay and acted like his life story living as a gay was as horrendous as if he had just spent his whole young life in Auschwitz, and had to endure endless years of having to cart away dead bodies. He continued to look very sad all night, poor kid.

Then came animation: I picked Wall-E (remember I’ve seen none of these files) because I had read it was all about how the earth is destroyed by pollution, and Pixar is great at animations. I win again.

Then came an Oscar for “Slum-dog” a movie made where they didn’t have to pay the actors. No multimillion dollar salaries to worry about here. They just went to the local slums of India and picked some nice faces. They fed them, filmed them, and sent them back to the slums. No wonder Spielberg loves India.

Somewhere the “social scientists” in all countries are saying…
“You must give them lots of contests to watch, where poor people win things, and then they will hope that one day they too will win and become rich! You must give them hope with many, many programs: singing contests, dancing contests! Pick the number on the babe, contests! You must make a movie of the year!”

India, we are told, has many rich, and many, many poor. In fact the story of a boy who wins on “Who Wants to be an Indian Millionaire” just about got every award there is: including best picture of the year presented by none other than Spielberg himself, who by the way, needs money from India to continue his career.

They ended the night with Spielberg: lesson...Hollywood is broke too. they need money, and people in India have cheap labor.

I’m sure Mickey Rourke's next movie will be about a real dog from the slums…a Chiwauwau who gets lost on a plane. Mickey will go to India to find his lost dog, and fall in love with an Indian Princess. And the dog will wear a tux to the wedding.

And they will live happily ever after.

And this nobody would like to thank the academy very much for letting us know what we can continue to expect from their slum-dog menu, and for my very heavy-gold Oscar, that you will have to send to me here.

Just tell Mr. Jackson to deliver it…thanks so much. Really, I think I'm going to faint..

I've dreamt of this all my life....
I want to thank my mom, my dad, and my dirty kitchen...



Anonymous Anonymous said...

JackMAN, not JackSON. Hugh Jackman.

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