Friday, October 30, 2009

Nobody Flashes: The Black Pumpkin!







Nobody Flashes:
A Bedtime story on Halloween:
As many of you know, I love a good conspiracy theory, and there is no better time to have fun and make one up than on Halloween!
Besides, I couldn't get away with this any other day of the year.
And so, while I was walking under a full moon...I thought of one of my favorite.
It goes like this:
Long ago, the great Cassius Clay, a black man who was so funny he could make Howard Cosell, a white man not known for his comedic delivery, his best friend, became the boxing champion of the world.
Around that time, another black man named Malcolm X became a Muslim, and made a disciple of Cassius, who became such a great follower of the Islamic traditions that he changed his name to Mohammad Ali...and gave the Muslims loads of money, much like the Scientologists do, but---pretend I didn't say that.
Actually, Cassius changed his name to Mohammad the morning he opened up his draft notice, but that's another blog.
It's very important we get the facts as they tell us, and so the movie ALI was put out with much rewriting ..and good thing too...because soon we will be having a lot of black men and women becoming the new Ameircorp journalists, and then all know the "facts" will be rewritten properly.
Anyway, (seehz) the brotherhood of Muslims, who merged with the black nationalists, made so much money off of that famous Ali, they conned him into going to Africa to fight in the biggest stadium full of Muslims in the world. Which he did.
And then, they got rich, and he went on to sell hamburger grills.
Wait---that was the other guy.
No, he actually became brain damaged which was understandable, because Foreman's (Better know as George, father of a nation of George's) arms were the size of Paul Bunyan's legs...but that's another blog.
Because those black Muslims made so much money off of Ali, they decided to recruit more of those famous black men. Which they did.
I mean, it's not like they had OIL wells.
They recruited to their cause, a very rich pop star named Michael Jackson. He became a Muslim, and even went to live in many palaces of Saudi Arabia...right after he had been arrested for molesting a boy. Actually---make that more than one. The timing was perfect.
When he came back, to the United States, he had big burly Muslims of the brotherhood surrounding and protecting him, even when he wore his pajamas to all his court dates---that's how safe they made Michael feel.
One day, right at a very crucial time in the newly elected black Obama as President, a very important argument was being raged on Capitol Hill. The whole country was upset...and then, suddenly.Michael died! In fact, his Muslim Doctor killed him. Everyone said so.
But no one really cared too much because we were all too busy dancing around to songs we hadn't heard in twenty years. Most of us were happy just to be standing.
After Michael's funeral, the Muslim brotherhood went back to Chicago, a town they share with the Democrats, the Mafia, Oprah Winfrey, and some pretty ugly statues...a town where King Obama spent his days climbing the latter of political payoffs.
But, on that dreary dark night...the conspiracy of murder, was about to happen. A cell phone call, came---ring-"You got the Thriller, Thriller,"
"What's he saying...thrill her? I thought he was gay? Hello?"
"Doctor"
"This is he"
"Tonight...it has to be tonight...is he ready?"
"Yes, he'll never know"
The murder was perfect...the whole next two weeks was all about worshipping Michael Jackson, and it took the whole country's mind off of the evil empire in the White House, and what they were doing.
Yes, fingerless Rahm, the right hand man to King Obama, took advantage...of the death of a black man. It's the Chicago way. It's the Muslim way. It's also, among most News and cable channels...the American way.
And by the way, Rahm Emmanuel, better known as Dead Fish Manny...says he's Jewish...but he looks like a Muslim who got his finger cut off either by the mob, or by the Muslim brotherhood because he did not return Ali's glove to the great one. Which was filled, many say, with African diamonds.
No, Rahm claims he was attacked by a taco...no one knows where the missing finger lies. Someone once said they saw it in a tossed salad, but it was never proven.
Still, there are rumors...that the dead Michael Jackson will get an Oscar for his performance in the upcoming movie..."This is it."
He does an excellent job of playing himself, and he deserves an Oscar about as much as King Obama deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. Which is exactly why he will win it.
Then, they will give the Oscar to Michael's three white children, and they will cry in front of the whole world...onstage, and Janet will smash her breast into their faces...and one might even fall out.. and then Obama will come up on the screen, directly from the White House..and say...
"I did NOT kill that man...Michelle, I mean....Michael...he was a credit to the nation, and even though I still do not deserve the peace prize, if anyone deserves an Oscar it's me...I mean...Micheal."
Obama bin Laden...is ready...he is out there...hunting Geraldo...(I know, what does that have to do with the story?...you're right. Nothing.)
So, tell the children, warn them...to watch out...sometimes on Halloween night, when the moon is full, they might see the ghost...of a finger...hovering in mid air....
Carrying a black pumpkin, with a huge scary grin...
And the Giant black pumpkin will be laughing, and his eyes will light up, and he will be EATING A GIANT TACO! And he will be saying...in a deep voice, over and over, that sounds pretty much like Barry White...
"YES WE CAN!"
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
(Hey, give me a break, I'm new at this stuff.)
Everyone have a Happy Halloween!

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