Nobody's Absurdities, No. 29; A Cannonade of Solar Flare Attacks

Nobody’s Opinion; After reading the news, there seems to be a run on absurdities all over the planet today. Since these “behavioral problems” seemed to be notched up to a whole new level of intensities, I’m assuming it is due to the recent solar flare explosions.

Radiation poisoning was obviously affecting the proletariat as well as the plutocrats because today, people all over the globe were freaking out more than usual.

For example, here are some plutocrat freak-outs;

The biggest freak of all, who doesn’t even need a solar flare to warp his brain , was Ahmadinejad, who exclaimed as he was shaking the hands of 6 anti-Jewish guys with long beards and black outfits, that “Israel will be wiped out.”

How you can be an orthodox Jew and anti-Israel at the same time is beyond me. Either these guys were paid actors from the ACLU, or the radiation in that room was off the charts.

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The daily talk show hosts were arguing today whether it would be “ethical” to replace Senator Tim Johnson (D) of South Dakota, who it was reported that even though he went through 5 hours of surgery, did not have a stroke.

Maybe they were just looking for the missing notes taken from the National Archives by Sandy Burger.

A guy sitting in for O’Reilly’s radio program argued that if the Republicans are not ethical in this opportune moment and actually pull a “democratic” and use this advantage in the Senate, pushing the Republicans into being able to control it: it would hurt their chances in the 2008 elections. His reasoning being that if a Republican is “ethical” he will be elected.

Actually, this was proven to be a false assumption when one of the most ethical of the Republicans, Tom Trancredo, was badly defeated in the last election by an unethical Democrat.

This noble but non-pragmatic thinking is much like the moon affecting the menstrual cycles of woman. (I’ll explain later)

This was the hot story in the media today, so I’m just assuming that corporate CEO’s of radio and television stations do NOT protect their employees from the damaging solar flares.

Of course, we all knew that.

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Bill Richardson, another well-fed plutocrat, who has been getting hit by these solar flares ever since he was born, is meeting for the second time with the North Korean official to try to work something out about the nuclear deals, since the North Korean officials are not welcomed at the White House. Of course, Bill helped them get them all the stuff they needed to make the nukes in the first place, so they must be here to ask for more stuff.

I suggest they just take Bill back to North Korea and plug into his brain.

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Di Craprio, the young homeless actor turned famous Hollywood star, announced today that he wants ANSWERS to the environmental horrors coming our way. NOW.

My nobody suggestion is that he needs to call up Angelina Jolie and adopt. It’s as good as plastic surgery to help Hollywood solar flare damage overload.

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And in a heated moment of burning radiation, 10 members of Congress (Republican and Democrats, just so you know that solar flares are NOT particular to one party or the other) are going on a 3-day trip to sunny Cuba to talk to Raul Castro about trade.

When they get there they will of course do what they always do when they go anywhere…take a vacation at our expense.


And here are some proletariat burn-outs;

In Edmond, Oklahoma, a package of cocaine was found at the toy section in Wal-Mart.

Actually, what a clever way to ship drugs---put them in toys. The kids will get hooked, probably on Christmas morning while mom and dad are still in bed.

And since Wal-Mart is a trusted name all over the world, who would know?

The very fact that the ACLU is not suing Wal-Mart for this negligence proves either that the ACLU lawyers are: either suffering from heat stroke, or they are getting a cut.

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In Florida a woman reported that her singing Santa’s head was cut off and run over and flattened. Also, someone stole her baby Jesus.

Actually, this nobody thinks she should be glad she doesn’t live in New York, where they tend to put excrement on anything religious.

Florida suffers deeply from all kinds of radiation sickness and sun flares. I should know. I used to live there.

I suggest putting a bomb of red paint in baby Jesus’ bodies that will explode when moved. Then everyone in the town will know who took the baby Jesus.

The sentencing for defacing or removing any Christian religious symbol should be ten years in jail or ten-years attending church. If you don’t show up, then you go to jail.

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Even more sadly, pigs seemed to be freaking out too from the flares. (Real ones!)

In Vancouver, a 500-pound pig bounced out of the back of a truck today, and a woman got out of her car and blocked oncoming traffic from killing it.

After that, the sheriff awarded the woman the slaughtered pig to feed her and her family for the rest of the year.

No, I made that up. The sheriff slaughtered the pig and took it home to his family. He was a plutocrat, probably French.

Are you kidding? I have no idea what they did with that 500 pound pig. I’m getting hot flashes from solar flares just thinking it.

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But wait, there’s more pig news.

In West Point, Mississippi, where the sun is extremely hot; pig tossing is the new cool thing to do.

People are tossing 60-pound pigs over hotel counters, fast food counters, filling station counters, in fact any old counter is game…just for fun.

Put up a counter in front of your house, and you won’t have to buy food.

If the sun gets any hotter there, we might see some bank robberies where pigs will be tossed over counters in exchange for money to be taken out of some plutocrat’s account and put into national savings accounts for all citizens in Mississippi, since no one in Mississippi has one.

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And just when you thought you’d had enough, you have to go on and try to explain why solar flares can affect sexual conduct.

In Southbury, Connecticut, a 41-year-old man named Scott Kravica was driving nude in his car and pestering a woman truck driver.

Much further south in Columbia City, Indiana, a young male teen was driving around fast food places and ordering food in the nude.

This shows you just how hot this solar flare is. The distance between these two cities is great. But while the cops in Connecticut arrested the 41-year-old guy, the 18-year-old got off.

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And in Conger, Georgia, a man tried to cook his x-wife into the oven in front of their 5 children on Thanksgiving.

Now, you men might not find this abnormal, but the fact that he went home to his mother’s house and hide under the bed is a little strange.

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And in Boston, a city known as a hotbed of solar flares, a former strip club waitress was sending condoms filled with explosives through the mail to all kinds of guys because she was “tired of being mistreated by men.” Due to the fact that none of the condoms blew up, she was let off.

This goes to show that all the men on MND have a point about the legal system being in favor of the female sex.

Which means that the only people on the planet not affected by the solar flares are the writers of MND and Barney, the White House dog.

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Going down under to Sydney, Australia, where a prodigious reader of MND, amfortas, tells us that you don’t even have to be an aborigine to get welfare, (you just need to show a false picture of one posing as your granddad)--- a 7-foot python was pulled out of a woman’s toilet.

One wonders how much radiation affected the person who sat on this toilet before this lovely python was discovered. It was reported that he was extremely healthy. (The python, that is.)

As was the alligator that border agents found in a suitcase in Yuma, Arizona, along with 13 grams of grass.

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And speaking of grass, some guy’s brain in Wichita, Kansas, was completely burnt out because he called 9/11 to report that someone stole a pound of his stash of grass by gunpoint.

When you mix drugs with solar flares, you might be able to destroy a whole nation. (I know, don’t say it.)

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And my particularly favorite goes to the Saudi Arabian men. They have been solar flared, melted down, and radiated so badly that even Al Gore will not be able to save them.

Saudi women are now allowed to sell cars, but not to drive them. And even though over half of the woman in Saudi Arabia own cars, the reasoning is “Women by nature cannot cope with such hard work.” I guess that means driving is hard work.

I beg to differ. It must be truly hard work for the Saudi woman to raise a complete nation of tyrants and idiots…I don’t know how they bear it.

Nobody’s Perfect; Wait, there’s more. Vladimir Kraminik, the world champion chess player, was beaten by Deep Fritz, a computer, who is NOT affected by solar flairs for some reason.

I don’t know who made that computer, but I think we need to elect Deep Fritz for President in 2008.

Nobody Knows; If you are walking on the moon when a solar flare happens to pop up, you’re good as dead. Al Gore somehow will try to blame man for destroying the atmosphere on the moon for this danger.

Back in caveman days, women menstruated to the cycles of the moon. And if woman work around each other, their cycles will start synchronizing on the same days.

So, that explains why there are more songs about the moon, than solar flares.
(Okay…leave me alone)

Nobody cares; In Stockholm, Sweden, border control officers made photocopies of the passports of all the exemplary beautiful women that passed through, and kept files on them.

Maybe if some of our border patrol agents did that here, we might catch a few illegal immigrants.

And the chances of that happening are about as much as the sun never having another solar flare, or the absurdities on the earth disappearing forever.