Sunday, May 02, 2010

The Dog Days of Weathermen

Nobodoy's Opinion: This is me...watching the weather report...and this also explains why I haven't been on the internet for the last few days...I have been glued to the weather-report, and watching all the weathermen, and lots of "experts" and meteorologists acting as if WWWIII has started and we all might as well please forget to grab the goldfish, and head for the closet, and lock ourselves away, until they come dig us out, because, a tornado---- can kill you.

And that's a convenient fact they use to scare us so badly, millions of people will stay glued to the TV set, for the rest of the month...even if there is no wind, rain, hail, or wind blowing outside their windows. It's the thought and the fear of destruction that gets us to hang onto their every pretty graphical word. And that's great for ratings. Conan might want to consider a job as a weatherman, on CNN.

Really...we've come to this. Being tortured with fear-mongering weathermen. I mean, what do these station managers tell these people?

"I want you to go out there and really SCARE the living daylights out of these people!"

They have made us into a nation of weather- report watchers, and for the last two days, I must admit, I have been a real sucker for those very colorful graphs...where they always tell you,"You are under a tornado watch. There is rotation reported. Wait...let's go to John..."
Weather guy DAN: John, what are you seeing? (Shot of man standing outside in rain.)

News reporter John: (Looking very serious) Well, Dan-- we had some wind here, and if you look out over my can see the lighting."

(See DOG.)

Weather guy DAN: "Well John, have you heard anything else?"

New Reporter John: No, but I can tell you that at the West County Mall, someone reported maybe a tree went down, but we have not confirmed that yet.

Weather guy DAN: Okay, John, keep us updated... now...I don't know if you can see this webcam shot..but that's our downtown shot where the game MIGHT be delayed ...we're not sure...

CAMERA SHOT: Long camera shot of black star...and very small little tiny lights popping up.

(See dog)

And then they take a million advertising break and some guy comes on and says that according to their map...(See Dog looking at map.) they can see rotation. They cleverly NEVER tell you if what they see rotating is a twister, or just a bunch of clouds swirling around, that would not be right. No, that might cause people to panic...(especially if there IS no tornado) but just the sound of the word 'rotation' makes you want to run...and find a flashlight...while you are thinking of all the tornado's in the movie Twister, Dorothy and Wizard of Oz, and that dream you had when you were 21, where you dreamed that 13 twisters came at your house all at once, and you did not make it down the basement stairs in time.

Rotation...(See Dog)

But using scary words is not enough...oh no, they have to play the "guess where your house is on our weather map?!" game. The way they do this is by telling you what "counties" are being attacked.

Knowing what county you live in is very important...because it could mean life or death, when trying to figure out what the weatherman is trying to tell you. In fact, HE doesn't even know his counties---he's reading a teleprompter, so you're both in trouble..

Come on, when someone asks you where you are from...tell me one person who will say--- "Why, I'm from Lee County! Wonderful place."

Why don't they put all the cities on the map, and the main streets and tell you "A tornado was seen in the intersection of 70 and Border road...if you live there, it's coming you're. way?"

No, that would be too easy.

To put actual cities or main highways on their cute little computer weather maps, is simply unheard of. think these maps are for the people? No...they are made by serious weather people who follow rotation along hundreds of square lines, just so you know how much money the station has spent on REAL data!

But, while they are feeling so proud that they actually made it through meteorology school, a tornado could be heading right for you, and you won't be able to figure out their friggin map!

WIFE:"Honey, what county are WE in? They said there is a "rotation" in Brewer Country, heading north, but I don't see any streets on that map of theirs, and I can't see anything but red and yellow colors...and he keeps pointing at them, and says HE sees rotation ...but all I see is yellow. I CANNOT figure it out!"


Wife: Honey, don't you think maybe we should go downstairs?"


Yep, there I was, for a whole day...glued to the TV...and all the local stations, and ALL the weathermen were acting as if everyone in the whole United States was being attacked by big unknown blobs of red and yellow...GET INTO YOUR BASEMENT NOW!"

They do this, in the name of public service they say. But really, I watched the cable warnings, the threats of soon-to-be-killer tornados, for over six hours the other day, and all I had to really do, is what I've always done in the past: Go outside, look for green...if it's night, smell the air...look at the clouds, and when it starts hailing, THEN head for the basement. Unless of course, you're asleep. Then you might here sirens.

What are you going to do? Twister was a great movie, but tornadoes usually have some kind of weather BIG, FAT, HAIL, and screaming winds. If that's not going on outside, you might as well try to find a TV channel that's got something else playing.... like the recent oil spill, ...or immigration reform, ....or communists day all over the world...or Obama giving another patriotic "We the People ARE the Government!" speech, or bomb trying to go off in Times Square, or Judge Judy...wait...(See DOG)

No WONDER I was watching the weather channel.

Pathetic . Really, I mean, it's spring, for goodness sakes. Every spring, across the United States...starting around Oklahoma, we get lots of tornadoes. It happens. But, now...our weather schools are turning out clones of Al Gore...weathermen scaring the wrong people, too much of the time.

So, what's a poor dog to do? (See Dog.)

'Get a life'. (Hey, I heard that.)



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amfortas wonders.....:

... if those TV weathermen are Oztralians on overseas training. They sound just like Chairman Mousey Kev's ABC henchpersiblings.

Our Great Leader, the Mandarin-speaking Helmsman of the Lake Burley Griffin (designed by an American, by the way) pleasureboat 'Federal Gumnut', is always practicing his big scarey names, like The GLOBAL financial CRISIS (you have to speak the caps loudly in a rising voice) and Climate-Change - the MOST CRITICAL MORAL challenge in the WORLD. He tells this to WORKING Families (as opposed to those families that don't work.... Over to our roving reporter...

"Dan, I see you have a family there"

"Yes Bob, I am with the Frankly-Appalled Family and earlier I had this to ask them (cut to prepared video) - "Tell me Mrs FA, what does your family do?"

MFA, looking pleased with herself and grinning innanely, " We make Giant Carbon Footprints".

"Well there you have it Bob, and back to you in the studio.

"Thanks Dan. We're all Doomed".

12:40 AM  
Blogger Joyanna Adams said...

HA!!!! They all go to global fear speak school!

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