Monday, April 09, 2007

The Hoes Be Happy Nappy

Nobody’s Opinion: Today Lee Iococca, the astute and famous x-CEO of the Chrysler Corporation, and Snoop Dog the famous rapper, were out playing golf, and I just happened to get a first hand report from a local squirrel who was nearby. Unknowing to the two multi-millionaires, the squirrel pretended to eat a nut so that he could listen in on their fascinating conversation, which he told to me…if I promised to feed him some of his favorite roasted peanuts. (Remember, I told you I had been a squirrel in my past life.)

Lee: Hey Snoop Dog! How come that guy Imus got in trouble today with that friend of yours…Al Sharpton, you know that guy with the nappy hair?…I heard he said some words that upset everyone in the nation. He called some black women “nappy hoes”? Well I hear you say “nappy” and “hoe” all the time…and your richer than he is! Jesse Jackson was mad too. How come these guys don’t get mad at YOU?

I just don’t get all this stuff Snoopy, fill me in. Is a hoe a whore? And why the hell is nappy offensive? You are always calling me nappy, I don’t get mad…you should hear the things my wife says about me.

Snoop Dog: You mean to tell me you don’t know? Why, a hoe is a whore. And I can name you so many raps…about hoes…you should check it out Lee.

Lee: You mean, like songs?

Snoop Dog: Shit yeah, Lee…I know you’re old, but come on….writing about hoes almost always makes you money. Hell, it made me my first million. In fact, there are tons of great raps about hoes…

Lee: I don’t think I’ve ever heard one, except maybe “The House of the Rising Sun.”

Snoop Dog: Lee, you’re older than my daddy’s underwear.

Okay…let’s see:there’s,… there’s HOES by Too Short, SURROUNDED BY HOES by 50 cents, JAZZY HOES by Jermaine Dupri, SCANDALOUS HOES by Mike Jones, PROJECT HOES by Three 6 Mafia, FREAK HOES by TRU…I GOT HOES by 50 cent, WHEN YOU HOES by Extra Polific, and one I really like..MONEY, CASH, HOES, by Jay-z.

There’s HOES IN MY ROOM, by Lucaris…and hey, I helped him out on that one (heh-) we had a fine time that day.

There’s WATCH DEEZ HOES by Master P, BIG BOOTY HOES, by Notorious B.I.G., HOES CAN BE LIKE NIGGAS, by Three 6 Mafia, who also wrote F&*K Y’ALL HOES.

Let’s see…there’s WHEN WE GET THEM HOES, and WEED, HOES, DOUGH….and my two favorite because I wrote them…GZ UP, HOES DOWN, and HOES, MONEY, AND CLOUT.

Now I know you know what clout means Lee…you got a lot of that. Hell, you almost got as much clout as me! You might get more if you’d do something with that nappy hair.

Oh, and there's one rap that’s real funny Lee…called BALD HEAD HOES, by my homey, Lil Wyte. You’d like this one…wanna hear it Lee?

Lee: Well sure Snoop…those guys in front of us are taking all day…

Snoop: raps “hoe get a fuccin job, hoe get a fuccin crib, go get yourself some hair implants, better yet a fuccin wig. They need some life straightnin, they keep procrastination, maybe Dr. Phil should do a show on bald-headed hoes that’s hatin.”

; Well Snoopy, I suppose Dr. Phil could have a prostitute on, but if she was black could he call her a “hoe” even if she was one?

Snoop: Hell NO! He could let Lil Wyte come on the show and call her one, that would be ok…it would sell the album.

Lee: Well, how come Lil Wyte can rap about “hoes” but Dr. Phil can’t?

Snoop: You mean you don’t know?

Lee: No…

Snoop: Well, he’s a white man. White man can’t say hoe, or call us niggas, or say we have nappy hair.

Lee; Well, why not? I’ve got nappy hair.

Snoop: Cause then, we get real mad.

Lee: But Snoop…you call all your black friends “nigga” I just don’t’ get it. In fact…

Snoop: Like in my song I can say…(raps) “But don’t blow a nigga up or show a nigga up, don’t think a nigga sprung cos yo know a nigga f*&k, in my world a girl is considered a bitch.”

Man, that shit sells Lee…it sells. If we didn’t say nigga in all our songs, I wouldn’t be here with you now, and Jesse Jackson wouldn’t have as much money as he has going around hunting down all the white folks trying to talk like us. Because white people had slaves, I’m making lots of money off the white mans’ guilt, and so is Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. You understand Lee…it’s like having the best little Jeep that everyone wants and it’s your best seller…just ask Nappy Root…he sells a lot of albums, like me.

Lee: Speaking of jeeps Snoop, how about doing a commercial with me? How much would you charge?

Snoop: Oh, a couple of million would do…plus a new Jeep, fully loaded.

Lee: It’s a deal.

Snoop: (Grinning big) Well, as Nappy Root would say. “My shit stay Nappy, split end stay happy.” Give the money to my hoe.

Lee: Hey Snoop…

Snoop: What?

Lee: Is it me? I could swear that squirrel has been listening to us.

Snoop: Yeah, that’s really a nappy- looking little f*&k. (Throws a can of beer at my friend, but misses.)

Lee; Okay, next hoe…I’ll spot ya one.

Snoop: You’re on.


Nobody’s Perfect: Alright---I made this whole conversation up…I was bored with the whole Imus in the Morning news today.

However, all those songs are real rap songs, and the artists are also real. The words from the rap songs are REAL, …and if you want to get an education in what the young blacks are listening too, and why Imus just thought he was being funny, just go to a song site and google “hoes” or “nappy.”

It’s more fun than watching American Idol, or your backyard squirrels.

Nobody Knows: If I offended any nappy hoes, or CEO’s, or Snoop Dog’s, I beg forgiveness. Squirrels reporters sometimes get their information from MSNBC, which you can’t always trust.

Nobody Cares; I for one, am not going to miss Imus at all. When a performer on TV needs a HUGE stage as big as Montana, with HUGE big screens in back of him because watching him can be almost too painful while your trying to eat breakfast, then he should have retired his nappy self and his nappy hat a long time ago. I suggest they get Snoop Dog to replace him…then no one could get mad.



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