Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Nobody Knows A Cold

Nobody Knows:---why there has been no cure for the common cold?

I'm taking the night off. Last night, my throat felt like I had swallowed a thousand small bullets of metal...like the roof of my mouth was being lazed red by a Russian Spy...thank goodness I'm a nobody, or my imagination would have taking off.

Okay, I don't need that excuse to have fun.

That waiter who kept looking at me so strange at the restaurant during Mothers Day, was really hired by the FBI to poison me for complaining the Hillary never puts the lid down. I might not live to see tomorrow.

Somewhere around two o'clock in the afternoon, the stuffy nose comes in, then the chest blows up--every part of your body hurts, including your little toe. Wait, try the rest of my foot that I dropped a four-pound package of hamburger on...two weeks ago'!It's still pounding.

You crave cherry popcylces, and there is a limited supply of Cherry. I've gone from soft Kleenix to cheap toilet paper, to napkins from the dollar store.

I wrote a piece today, but anyone who has read me for any length of time will be glad I decided NOT to finish it. It was called "Colonels in Love"...yeah...I know. Don't ask.

Hillary won in West Virginia, good reason also not to write. Simon, on American Idol, made some guy sing "Killing Me Softly" ...another reason.

My basement is flooded AGAIN---another reason. The rugs are rotting out as we speak, (okay, it's just me speaking here, I just like that phrase, sorry.) because there is no sun to dry them out in. Here in St. Louis we've had only 4 days in the last month in which it did NOT rain. There are tree limbs all over the yard...and yet, somewhere in this world there are some fools that are willing to risk their lives to climb Mt. Everest.

While they are freezing, I am going to take a hot bath, drink some hot chocolate, then settle down and watch those brave and half foolish people ( on my TV now) who think they can actually climb that huge beast.

"That was the last time I saw Rove alive."

Right now, there is a climber saying that he suffered from depression, and he found that when he drove his body hard, he felt better. In that case, not falling off the side would make anyone feel better, you don't have to be depressed.

Well, I'm NOT climbing Mt Everest's tonight. I've got an excellent excuse to do nothing, so that's what I'm going to do.

Oh, isn't this a cute picture? These two are best buddies. Life can be good, especially when you know you've only got the flu, and you know you will never have to climb Mt. Everest...

The flu I can survive, Mt. Everest on the other hand...probably not.

"The day was beautiful, there wasn't a cloud out there."

"He was last seen, climbing back up the ridge."

"The storm was coming very fast..."

"We were walking right into the storm..."

Yep, that we are, maybe I'll sleep in my snow suit.

See you tomorrow.


Monday, May 12, 2008

Thank You Barbra Walters...

Nobody's Perfect: Hey, I already miss her---Barbara Walters. It's only been a few days since she was all over the networks bragging about how she had an affair with some black senator so long ago...and no one found out about it.

As if we care.

What is amazing is that here is a woman, who had a very noticeable lisp, and yet, somehow, through sheer tenacity and lots of help from "feminists" with ties to democratic and liberal agendas, she became the most powerful women in news, and the most highly paid. A man with such a lisp would never have gotten as far.

Barbara--Bill Reilly thanks you. You blazed the way for all his beautiful nightly pundits. He is a very happy camper every night, surrounded by beautiful and intelligent maidens because of your efforts.

And who would have thought, because she just couldn't keep that old "affair" a secret any longer, instead of being remembered for her hard work, she will more than likely be remembered in history as the woman who once loved a married black man and because she did not want to ruin her career or his, she kept it a secret.

Or maybe it was because he was a...dare I say it...a Republican?

Yes, the once famous woman went from serious journalism, to tabloid fame. Her most famous interview was when all of the world watched two hours of Monica Lewinsky! We're still not sure where she hide that cigar.

And now she says that over 40 million people get their news from "The View."

It's hard getting old...

So, why did she do it? Ruin all her hard work just to be remembered for an affair with a married man? Was it because she wanted to finally let the world know that at least some man found her sexy? She lost money in Vegas?

Actually, I think it was Castro that she REALLY had the hots for...it was just not to be.

Poor Barbara...missed the prom. Can't cook, can't clean--but she has proven that even though she has been in the business longer than anyone remembers...

All she has learned is that you do not let a gay lesbian take over your own show.

Thank you Barbara, your imperfections make us all feel a little better, and you're richer for it.


Sunday, May 11, 2008

Nobody Digests Global Magazines

Nobody’s Opinion: I’m not really found of change. Nobody is. Give me something I can count on. I want my car to start, and I want the bacon to taste like bacon, not like a tire covered in grease and homogenized glue.

So when I opened my Readers’s Digest this month, I was relieved to find out that a new editor had taken over. Due to the high price of gas, one must cut corners somewhere, and it was nice to know that not renewing my subscription was going to be easy. All I needed to do was read, “we open a window on our increasingly connected world. (Here comes the globalist propaganda) And because we know you want to stay current without necessarily going back to college we’ve started a new feature called Quick Study, which gives you, well, “the Reader’s Digest version” of a news topic in four quick pages.”

Oh boy.

What---are they going to start teaching us the real math, history, and grammar that everyone was not taught in public school? Or will it be the new lessons of--- volunteer your time, you fat American, and while you’re at it, keep asking your doctors for all these wonderful pills we advertise, now being made in trustworthy China...

Okay, so it’s not exactly the National Review. Still, the Readers Digest had uplifting stories in it about ordinary people, doing the most heroic things…a nice change from the usual American citizen basing that we have been bombarded with. The Digest was almost the last place with good stories of true Americans, and their everyday bravery.

Sadly, I saw this same “change” come to another magazine around 1988. When National Geographic put out a special issue called, “Can Man Save This Fragile Earth?” I knew the world and common sense, was being reprogrammed.

Gilbert M. Grosvenor, the President and Chairman of the board, had obviously signed onto Al Gore’s upcoming global Armageddon. The once beloved magazine that was an encyclopedia of geography, one in which nations were portrayed as individual, became a pictorial nightmare of trash and human misery.

The globalization of that magazine is now on cable, where it proceeds to further its case. This morning I watched them try to explain just why the exodus of Moses did not happen.

Ben Stein has another movie awaiting him.

For instance, did you know that most scientists can find no evidence whatsoever that Moses lead the exodus out of Egypt, therefore, to them, it just didn’t happen?

God parting the Red Sea was particularly upsetting to them.

One scientist said that a volcano erupted causing a tsunami at exactly the right time. (They all had trouble with the timing issue.) Another made a little model of the Red Sea and pulled out his leaf blower…that was fun.

One scientist said that there were actually volcanic eruptions under the sea, which caused a temporary bridge of hot molten lava, that he believed the Jew actually ran very fast across. (Right) The Egyptians chariots sunk in the lava; Jewish Carts everyone knows, weight nothing.

Another man suggests that everyone got it wrong. Moses escaped over the Sea of Reeds…not the Red Sea.

Then one guy actually pulled out evidence (you know the kind that scientist are always claiming there is none of) to prove his theory that at the time there might have been a sandbar. He claimed no knowledge of how the sea was parted, but he did find a rock with some bronze in it, and artifacts matching the Bible. The others made fun of this guy. He needed at least three sources of “evidence” to be believed.

So, by their reasoning, God could come down to Earth, and actually part the Red Sea right before their eyes---but that wouldn’t be enough proof.

They would say, “Give us more proof that you’re God.” and God could say, “Well, I am
God because I don’t need any proof to know that you guys are morons."

In conclusion, there was no record of Moses and the Exodus never happened. So spoke National Geographic.

Well, there is no record of the Big Bang, so I guess that never happened either.

Like I said, I hate change. I opened to an article in my Readers Digest, just to be sure---
“Quenching a Thirst--How one teacher and 900 student discovered the joy of helping a village hallway around the globe.”

Until I see more proof of that joy…hey, I’m saving a tree.