Saturday, March 29, 2008

If Polar Bears Could Talk

Nobody Reports on Polar Bears:

Last night, the FBI recorded, via NSA satallite, an actual conversation between polar bears in Minnesota;

Lounging Bear: Hey, Jerry...what's going on down there?

Jerry: (Bear standing next to lounging bear, Bob) I don't know...looks like that guy is having a hard time lifting that shovel. You'd think they'd have more sense. It's all just going to melt in a few days. They practically kill themselves moving it all around. What's the point?

Bob: Yeah, people are a riot. Half the stuff they do makes no sense to me. Hey---did you see what they're doing down in the South Pole?

Jerry: No

Bob: Some of these guys got a HUGE lazer and cut a big wade of ice off the South Pole, just to scare everyone into thinking that the South Pole is losing ice, and the world is going to drown in water! (Bear laughter ) Actually, the South Pole has been gaining ice for years. You gotta hand it to them. They sure can cut a straight line. Hell, I have a hard time walking in one.

Hey Matt: (Bear behind Jerry and Bob) Get me a beer, will ya?

Matt: Get yourself a beer.

Bob: Come on Matt. I got you McDonald's yesterday.

Matt: And I'm suppose to be grateful? Hey, I was up all night watching the raccoons.

Jerry: you think we are pushing it hanging around in this guy's driveway every day?

Bob: Naw, they think we are extinct. We can do just about anything we want. In fact, I've been thinking about investing in some stock.

Matt: What's that?

Bob: Well, I heard on this guy's TV that some company called Bears is being helped out...and I think we should get more help too. After all, these people have couches to sit on. We could use a few nice soft pillows, and stocks full of nice fresh fish. So, you invest in stock and you get stocks...I am getting pretty tired of hanging out at the North Pole chasing fish. Why shouldn't we get in on some of the action?

Matt: I don't see no action.

Jerry: You wouldn't---it's your mother's fault you're not my brother.

Matt; Why do you always pick on my mother?

Bob: Because he has the hots for your sister.

Jerry: By the way...where is your sister?

Matt: She's up North trying to get on TV with Al Gore.

Jerry: Ah...that idiot. She's is libel to get herself killed just for a photo-op. Well, I wish she was here. It's getting pretty boring watching these people shovel snow. Maybe we should move south.

Bob: Nah, the food is nasty. At least here I can watch TV. Well, what do you think...should we stay a little longer?

Jerry: Yeah, five squid that the old lady across the street falls down on the ice and breaks her hip again...

Bob: You're on.

Matt; You guys are sick. I'm going back to sleep. Hey, Jerry.

Jerry: Yeah

Matt: Sing me that "Coke" song again...

Jerry: Pay me.


Thursday, March 27, 2008

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut---

Nobody Reports: Just in case anyone is wondering where I have been, I've just been lying around..

Well, I wish. If you were listening to any of the news last week, the rivers in Missouri sort of "overflowed" and many of us who were NOT in the middle of the flood, nevertheless, got hit with too much rain.

And some of us have leaky basements.

So, I've been too tired, after sucking up water from my "finished" basement, and trying to save furniture and rugs (etc) that I must admit, I had no opinions about anything except a few choice words for all insurance companies who will cover you if your computer gets stolen, but if your basement floods and destroys have of all your worldly goods, that does NOT come under flood insurance...nor storm.

Nope. Nothing short of a full-fleged tornado can get them to fork out. And they do not offer protection against "leaky" basements.

You see, these insurance companies know that leaky basements are just about as common as a Hillary "mispoken" word, therefore, there is no coverage for the millions that suffer from it.

BUT...this morning, while I lay in bed trying to decide whether it was worth even getting up, I managed to write a whole six pages of this blog right there in my mind! It was brilliant!

I just never got around to putting it down.

You know how it is. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you feel like a nut...sometimes you feel like a nut...

Hopefully, the next one I write in my head actually makes it....soon.

Actually, it's already there, but I must go...the nut is cracking again.


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Hillary and Pearl Harbor

Nobody Flashes Anymore!

Ever since Hillary has admitted that she was not actually under sniper fire in the Bosnia like she said she was...I wanted to put the record straight.

Here is a picture taken on the day Pearl Harbor was attacked, and I DO believe I see our great soon to be Commander-In-Chief Hillary Rod in Hand Clinton standing just there....

Look very close...

Isn't that her standing right there on the right of the picture? Could be her. I bet that's her. What a woman!

Well...why she doesn't bring up this steeler example of herself as the brave and war-experienced woman in the world, I just have no clue.

But I think I know.

Hillary could lie just about anything, but for everyone to find out just how old she really is would be just too much.

So, this brave moment in time will forever be secret...along with all the rest of her past.

Just a remainder that Hillary is sensitive and human, as she keeps telling us.

Don't worry Hillary, you're secret's safe with me.


Monday, March 24, 2008

Come Out of Your Racist Closet and Smell the Uniting!

Nobody Reports on a Monday: Last week we had Obama coming out of the closet as a typical black man. I call him that in response to his “typical white person” remark about his grandma being scared of black men lurking in the dark.

Hey, I’m scared of any man lurking in the dark.

So much for his “uniting of all races and all Americans” speech.

Right---we “typical” white people are so full of discrimination and prejudice, you can find us on our neighborhood corners at night swinging ropes and singing “Dixie.”

The real truth is, most of the boomers are listening to their teenagers playing black rap on their car stereo’s and their I-Pods, and buying the line that all women are ‘Ho’s’, blacks have to sell drugs just to make a living, and their white parents are stupid.

Okay, a teenager thinking their parents are stupid is nothing new.

And yet, half of the successful people on our TV’s are black, and quite rich, thank you America.

Turn on MTV Cribs and see the many millionaire black rappers who can’t even add. Now there’s real American discrimination in full display---take a good look.

Frankly, I’m glad Obama made his little “historical” speech, even if I do find it hard to believe that he didn’t know he would lose almost all white voters over the age of 25 and over the IQ of 80.

He cannot be that stupid.

Ann Coulter and Pat Buchanan this week made excellent rebuttals, and it’s about time.

The whites, at least here where I live, have watched their black neighbors get free educations, housing, food, and Medicaid, while they and their children’s ambitions were sacrificed to “Affirmative Action” programs.

Most of my black neighbors all drive new SUVs; have college degrees, and new expensive houses that the government will soon forgive them for… “going” in above their heads.

Like Obama, math was evidently not their strong point.

And yet, most whites have not dared complain about it. Whole generations of whites have sacrificed their lives to make up for decades of the liberal policies of our Washington rulers not correcting the horrible inner city schools. After all, it wasn’t our fault the blacks kept voting for the liberals that kept them so educationally dysfunctional.

Needless to say, Obama’s speech got a lot of people very excited that the race issue was finally being discussed, my most favorite being James Carvel who compared Bill Richardson to Judas for his departure from the Clintons.

Overnight, dough-boy Bill Richardson has now become Chimichanga Richardson with his new Spanish look, in hopes of a Vice-Presidency.

The Clintons have been in too long he says.

Well, can’t argue with that.

If he can make Vice-President, then who knows? With the merging of the two countries, Mr. Richardson could easily run for Mexican President in the near future.

After all, Jeb Bush is now at work on South American relations for his brother.

Will Jeb Bush be the first President of the New North American Territory?

Eight years for Hillary, then eight years for Jeb?

But I ramble.

Expect more of this “all whites are raciest” stuff. It’s an election year.

Nobody’s Perfect; Obama wins this weeks’ big mama blunder, or should I say big grand-mama blunder. White grandmother’s everywhere, unite!

Nobody Knows; How did Tony Blair, after leaving the UK as Prime Minister, become an advisor of JP Morgan and end up, with the help of the US government, getting in on the action of buying up their rivals, Stern-Bears?

Nobody Cares; Here in Missouri, we’ve had hundreds of people need help sandbagging and getting out of harms way from major flooding. If I remember correctly, when the blacks in Katrina were in dire need of help, millions of those ‘typical’ white Americans came to their rescue. And yet, no blacks came out to help the poor white people in distress, even though Pacific, Mo, has a black mayor. St. Louis, with a population of mostly black citizens, are only a fifteen-minute ride away from the scene.

Nobody Wins: This “racial” issue is not going to let up. As I said before, two wrongs, (slavery, and now the discrimination against whites) do not make an African-American right.

Nobody’s Fool; Norman Lear was on TV last week with his American Progressive speech. It was patriotic, it was moving, it was time to take over those nasty Neocons, he said. This Jewish man sounded so patriotic, I was hearing John Phillip Sousa.

What he failed to mention is that the Progressive Party is historically the Communist Party.

Remember Archie Bunker and Edith singing?

“Girls were girls and men were men”
“Mister we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again…”
“Didn’t have no welfare state”
“Everybody pulled his weight”
Gee---let's all just salivate....(Actually, I could never figure out what they were saying.)

Archie Bunker, your creator Mr. Lear has come out of the closet!
Oh, I forgot, you did too.