Friday, September 07, 2007

Southwest Airlines Reveals Mile-High Fashion

Nobody’s Opinion: This morning we awoke to the astounding news, that a very pretty and well-built 23-year-old named Kyla Ebbert was almost kicked off a plane for having committed the crime of wearing “revealing attire.”

As you can see---unless Kyla has no underwear on, (seems there is a thong there) her garment would probably not shock any kid, but every male working at Southwestern Airline security, over the age of eight, would probably insist not only that she get off the plane, but also put herself up to hours of intense “questioning” about her “revealing attire.” Then, they might have sent her up the ladder of Southwest imperial inspections…and before she was through, every male, including the janitors and the baggage loaders, would have gotten a chance to remark on just how “inappropriate” her attire was.

Air traffic controllers would have planes waiting for hours during their “immediate” disappearances from their desks.

Kyla, from the looks of her smile, knows exactly what is happening. Anyone that works at Hooters knows the power of a short skirt.

I saw this very same thing happen last year while getting on a flight to Las Vegas.

There was a young girl in line…if fact, I’d be surprised if it wasn’t Kyla, and every single man in the airport, including my husband, even though you’d have thought he would have known better since it was our wedding anniversary…did not even try the usual peripheral vision trick. No, there were hundreds of men in an all out stare, suddenly oblivious to wives, planes, and stock reports…an airport full of paralytic erective comas.

So, it was no surprise to me when they picked this girl alone out of the lineup to go and get “inspected,” but not for her attire, which was about the same as Kyla’s “revealing attire.” The excuse was that they wanted to look at her laptop.

I bet they did. I bet they looked at it real hard. I bet that laptop went through every inspection known to laptop mankind. She was gone quite a while.

When she got back on the plane, after having the security assure all the passengers that she was not bin Laden’s bombing blond cousin…she sat in perfect view, right in front of my husband. Let me tell you, it was a rough trip for me.

To this day he stills pretends he never saw her. (ha!) My husband proclaims Pascal’s Wager when it comes to this kind of stuff. Better to never admit, then take his chances on complete confessions. He may be right.

I had this happen once in high school, but I was a lot more innocent than Miss Ebbert.
It was the first day of my 9th grade class, and I was called to the principal’s office, because according to him, my dress was too short: four inches above the knees…go figure.

Well, I was also, like Kyla, very embarrassed. I sat there in that man’s office for over thirty minutes only to go to another office (man’s ) for another twenty minutes, then to another (man’s) office for another half hour, only to have to sit in another (man’s) office until my mother could pick me up and take me home to change.

All those men couldn’t decide just how short “short” was.

And my dress was not tight. In fact it was loose, but my legs are long, therefore the crime.

But, unlike back then, when I was just naïve student, for Kyla to claim she was being embarrassed because everyone was staring at her, is a joke in itself. She wanted to be stared at, she loved the attention. The culture actually encourages this, have you been to the local mall lately? So how can we blame her?

Southwest let her fly after she covered up, but since she has not received an apology from the airlines, she might sue.

Something tells me, that she doesn’t have much of a case---especially if she reports her complete “innocence” on not knowing her attire was meant to put full grown men into complete mind-boggling meltdowns.

But then again, all this publicity is sure to get her a cover on Playboy…and the start of a whole new career.

And when that happens, I’m pretty sure the men at the SouthWest Airlines security office would say, “God Bless America.”

I have a feeling, airlines all over the country will be getting young girls with “revealing attire” scrambling on board, trying to get in the papers.

In the old days, stewardess’s were pretty, that ended with the feminine revolution. Maybe the airlines should let security guys start hiring…Kyla could sure use a new wardrobe, poor thing.

Nobody’s Perfect; Southwest Airlines could have come up with a better excuse than “We are a family airlines.”

Nobody Knows; Why isn’t she working for the Hooters Airline? Or was that the point?

Nobody Cares: I would not doubt if Kyla is a member of the Mile-High Club and was just covering up for some Joe. Which brings the question: Do they have Mile-High Club prostitutes? Any guy want to fess up?


Thursday, September 06, 2007

Nobody's Absurdities, No. 53---Nightmare On Pennysylvania Ave.

Here we are, at the start of September, with the feeling of Halloween right around the corner---and it seems fitting that the absurdities all around us are starting to look like a SAW III movie. American citizens are being cut up, sectioned off, electrocuted, and stuffed into some burning Dante basement, where they are forever condemned to listen to republican and democratic politicians pandering for the conservative vote until eternity, or the return of Michael Myers for the fifty-third time.

We might as well hand our politicians the bloody saw, and take our chances with Freddy Kruger.

So, here are some absurdities for this rainy September day.

Hey…if I’m gloomy, what do you expect? I report what I see.

It’s a nightmare.


We kick off with Bill and Hillary Clinton “floating” lots of suggestions out there on all the talk shows, looking for some kind of constitutionally approved legal position for Bill Clinton to hold in Hillary’s upcoming reign of socialist terror. Remember, they’re still lawyers.

Secretary of Defense? Vice President? Advisor to the President? First Laddie of the Order of the Scottish Kings of corruption and debauchery?

Here’s the absurdity. Bill said: “I just don’t believe it’s consistent with the spirit of the Constitution for someone who’s been president twice to be elected vice president. I don’t think its right, and I wouldn’t want to do that …That’s just not in the cards.”

What? Are you laughing or bleeding?

Our nation’s founders would have visions of horrific proportions at even the suggestion of a former president running for the office again, under the dress (in this case pants) of his co- partnered wife.

Somewhere, they would have put in the Constitution, “No man who has served two terms as President can run his wife for the office to get back in power.”

The fact that no one anywhere has even questioned this insanity, can put a normal person into, “Where’s the exit?” overdrive.

Hey, razors are on sale at you local drugstore...and while you’re there, get a flu shot.


After the Republican debate last night on Fox, I was reaching for bandages.

Questions were being thrown out, not from a dispassionate reporter, but from some guy (Chris Wallace) seemingly full of so much hatred, that his bullets of political accusations were enough to tear through chunks of flesh and bone.

This was quite a different format from the cuddly Snowmen questions on the last, You be in the Tube, democratic debates.

My blood started gushing again when a Fox News reporter, reported that John McCain won the debate hands down, according to a roomful of New Hampshire citizens.

Everyone in that room was thereby given the chance to knife the other republican contestants who did not happen to be the wonderful John McCain.

How in the world did these “conservatives” picked John McCain as the clear winner of the debate? A demented voice from nowhere said, “I’m bleeding and I can’t get up.”

Could Fox news be putting out propaganda to influence the election for Hillary Clinton?

After all, Rupert Murdoch has met with Hillary more times than Bill Clinton met with the head of the CIA. McCain is the only man who would probably lose against Hillary.

Where’s my Afghanistan morphine?


You’re in a room, and there is a maniac approaching you. Look twice---it could be Mexican President, Felipe Calderon, who now says that wherever a Mexican lives, there is Mexico.

You are looking for an escape. Where are our leaders? Homeland Security? How about a United States Senator carrying a big gun? Where’s the President? Where is Rambo Hillary?

They are like us, watching the important news that Larry Birkhead is in love with Howard K. Stern. They are also watching about two hundred programs on why Princess Diana was not murdered, and the twin towers fell naturally.

Pick your poison. If you can manage to duck that illegal immigrant on your property demanding your house, look over your other shoulder. The IRS will be right behind you with a bed of nails.


The New American House of Wax, according to the news today, will be attacked again on September 11, 2007. Our President is on TV looking like a whipped schoolboy sitting next to Hu Jintao, the Chinese President, in Australia.

Hillary’s universal health care will be here in time for Halloween. So, have an aspirin…it’s all she will have to offer.


Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The Last King of the World: Billary

Nobody’s Opinion: If there is one thing we should all remember while watching the endless debates with both political parties pandering and promising the moon, the stars, and Brad Pitt’s underwear---almost all of it doesn’t mean an Angelina thing.

Instead of the old clique of “hot air,” let’s just say that no matter what a politician says will happen if he or (cough) she is elected President, they all start out with a parthenogenesis of their own selfish agenda, and you end up saying throughout their reign, “Gee, I thought he (or she) wanted to do right by us nobody citizens? What happened?”

In other words…who’s in charge here? General Electric?

This past Labor Day weekend, due to the “inflationary” prices of various Labor Day events around the town, I stayed home and watched C-Span. I would have rather watched the Blue Angels perform, but they wanted the price of my next step-child’s hockey stick for admission.

Of course, the Billary Clintons knew millions of other “lower middle class” voters would be at home because they are now “lower, lower, lower middle class”---so they made darn sure they were on cable the whole weekend.

If you didn’t see Bill and Hillary’s good old home-town spin in New Hampshire, you really missed a good show. Bill was in white pants and a checkered red farmers shirt---something he would not be caught dead in if not for the BS he was putting on. Bill of course warmed up the crowd, basically saying that, well…sucks; the country was so good when he was President that we should all vote for Hillary because, even if he wasn’t married to her, he would vote for her just because she hung around him. She was, according to him, the most qualified.

Never mind that the only qualifications she has are being married to him, and being able suck up campaign money from the Chinese, communists think tanks, and Steven Spielberg.

Then she came on. Hillary’s whole talk was about how she was going to change America and rule the world, and save those people sitting there from having to pay for hemorrhoids removals.

Seeing all those poor trusting faces out in the crowd, shaking their heads up and down in approval…all I could think of was:

Idi Amin.

There is a scene in “The Last King of Scotland,” where Forest Whitaker gives an Oscar winning performance of the tyrannical Ugandan dictator, Idi Amin.

In this scene, Idin expresses love, promises, change, and hope to his people. Between his speech and Hillary’s On C-Span, there wasn’t much difference, or the look on the people’s faces: complete adoration.

While Hillary was talking about all the problems caused by the Bush administrations, most of these people forgot that these very problems were put in place to happen before Clinton left office. The dot/com boom and fall, NAFTA, the Chinese connections, the HMO’s, the NSA spying, and the worst one: 9/11.

It was almost as if the plan was:

A. Bill Clinton becomes President
B. We run Kerry who must lose, so Hillary can run in 2008.
C. Make the country vulnerable for attack on Bush’s watch by dismantling the military, so he has nothing to work with.
D. Set up the economy for the crash during his watch…Alan helps out.
E. Attack relentlessly all military operations in the press WHEN we are attacked.
F. Use lots of scandals (revenge is sweet) to get rid of key players.
G. We are attacked again, Hillary becomes President to save America’s from our horrible image.
H. Hillary appoints Bill Clinton basically, King of the World.

No wonder the Bushes are crying daily.

Historically, we all know that nations of weary people are easily manipulated with promises of hope by dictators with smooth talking tongues. A little hope to a fearful and weary people is like morphine from the stars.

Nowadays, when we look back on pictures of Hitler speaking before the multitudes of his worshipers, we are dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity of the German people.

Those German people could be use someday.

“We are on the verge of a global transformation. All we need is the right major crisis and the nations will accept the new world order.” David Rockefeller.

Bill and Hillary Clinton like Hitler want to rule…not just Iraq or Iran--but the entire world.

Yes, someday historians will wonder, “How could the American people be so dumb?

If they quote the answer from Richard Gere, then the Clintons will still be in power.


Sunday, September 02, 2007

Platforms of an American Progressive Beauty

Nobody’s Opinion; Picture this: You are watching an episode from the old Star Trek series and Sulu walks up to the Captain’s Chair to address the “Captain.”

Ciptin--the Ent-terpres is now approaching ‘arth. Should I prepar’ the ship to land in de United States?”

“The United States? Where’s that?” says a very beautiful but very clueless Miss Teen South Carolina, (2007) who is sitting in the Captain’s Chair. “Oh yeah, uh, we do have a map of that somewhere, don’t we Solo? Well, if we can’t find it, then let’s just land in India. (Long pause) Wait…now I remember! That’s my platform! Americans need to donate their time to save the world!”

I was thinking of this imaginary scenario after watching an old Star Trek movie this morning. You know, the ones with Captain James T. Kirk…a leader who boldly explored the universe and ruled his ship with optimism, enthusiasm, humor, courage, and imagination, mixed with loads of good old common sense?

Remember those kinds of leaders? (I know, I can only think of one too.)

Well, I’m here to actually stick up for Miss Teen Georgia America, who was all over the TV and internet sites faster than warp speed last week when she made her blunders. I got to thinking, as everyone else was…just what in the heck is she saying?

Then it dawned on me after watching the Miss America Pageant on CMT. (Country Music Television) She was searching for her “platform.”

Instead of worrying about walking in her platform shoes, she needed to spit out some kind of mantra about serving mankind. And it had to be the right mantra. When she finally remembered--- it was too late.

Serving people other than yourself is a subject, I might add, that’s usually not on the minds of most sixteen-year-olds, no matter how many times they hear this repeated by their teachers. That’s one of the reasons the state wants to get the kids at a younger age.

Hillary would prefer indoctrinating them before birth, and have them come out offering spittle to babies in Africa.

After researching online almost all of the contestant’s video statements from the 2007 American Beauty Pageant, one thing became clear: The liberals have discovered a new word to go along with their other preferred word of progressive…”platform.”

Yes, the new American progressive platform is global community service, and the old American Beauty Pageant of old, has been revised to be the new training ground for finding young, pretty, and intelligent girls, with high ambitions, to be used as fund- raisers for all the various causes that our new global leaders can think of.

American Beauty contestants, in the name of political necessity for this New World Order that doesn’t exist, not only must have brains, beauty, and talent---but she must above all other things, have a platform (probably picked from an already altruistic lists if she can’t come up with anything) like saving the world from pollution, getting everyone to pump ethanol, or promote character education---whatever that is.

Actually, it’s something our Congress right now is in dire need of.

Among the contestants platforms were: future global citizenship, rock the voters, cure diabetes, feed the hungry, cure mental illness, promote feminism, and help rape victims.

World peace is not important anymore, not one contestant mentioned it.

The American Beauty Pageant used to be one of America’s most fun TV shows until Gloria Steinem and her bunch decided it was demeaning to judge women on looks alone. My god, women were being ogled in bathing suits!

Now, these same feminists say nothing about all the young teenage girls walking around with short skirts above their navels, dental floss underwear, or nude beaches.

By the time they were through, the Pageant was so un-cool you didn’t dare admit how much you missed saying things like: “It was rigged! Look at her nose! Who did she sleep with? ”

Soon we will be getting sick of hearing that serving people is the highest and most noble thing you as a human being can ever do in your life. Forget raising good kids.

Don’t get me wrong, helping those in need is a noble cause, but…it’s a cause that’s should be an individual’s choice…not some Presidential dictator’s order for each American citizen, beautiful or not. And to that I’d say; “Beam me up Scottie, my platforms are falling. The US is no longer on the map.”

Nobody's Perfect: After looking through the whole lineup of Miss America's of 2007, I must admit, they all looked perfect to me. Although, for my taste, there was an over abundance of tap dancers and opera singers, and of course, the baton twirlers. Some things never change.

Nobody Knows: One girl said that she had to go through 23 contests just to get to the Miss America finals. Since they now no longer get much in scholarships, its amazing that so many of these girls put so much of their money, time and effort into getting into it.

Nobody Cares; I predict that Miss America Contest is going to become a major launching pad for the top of the countries educated women to get into positions of political power, going on to serve as ambassadors, governors...and Bill Clinton party favors. Oprah will be jealous.