Friday, February 23, 2007

UPDATE: Anna Nicole

Nobody's Opinion;

Today, sadly, on Fox news... we saw some of the last pictures of poor Anna Nicole Smith...she had been painted up by a neighbor's child with clown makeup.

As you can see...the child, being just a kid, WANTED to make up Anna, but Anna was face down in the pool, trying to wake up from a another night with her lawyer and the minister of granting citizenship for sex.

So she painted the cat.

This very important documented video was presented to court in Florida as vital evidence in the trial of "Who misses Anna's money the most, and is willing to fight the hardest?"

The news tonight is that all the men who were calling each other mortal enemies at the trail have gotten together...and decided to pass the cat off as Anna's favorite pet.

They have also decided to SPILT the money three ways.

After all, her lawyer doesn't want to go to jail, her boyfriend knows the lawyer has it in his right to forever deny the boyfriend a paternity test, and the neighbor is going to make a lot of money selling tickets to her grave, which is on his property.

Money solves everything.

Cats will be painted up and sold as Anna Nicole's "cat" for $100 a piece. And this cat will be the first one to go.

Also on sale at Anna's gravesite, will be reproductions of Anna's favorite dresses, Anna Nicole Makeup Kit, An Anna Nicole Doll, (which says YOU BITCH is three languages) and Cherry Candy made up in cute little perscription bottles.

Anna's old bras will be on display in the Anna Nicole museum.

Larry, the old boyfriend, will sell lots of Anna's old pictures.

This cat still hasn't got the makeup off since that video in which Howard, the dubious lawyer. is heard saying "This is going to make a lot of money."

Actually, the cat was so stoned when Howard took this picture she couldn't remember where she put her last hair ball.

The man from Trimspa plans to make up a Trimspa pet diet pill and name it after Anna...

Many names are being considered...Pussypill...Trimpet...Poppycat...

The Humane Society has already donated the first 2,000 cats to be sold.

All we need now, is for someone to dig up Marilyn Monroe's body and move it to the Bahamas.


Thursday, February 22, 2007

Nobody's Absurdities, No. 37

Nobody’s Opinion; You never know what your thoughts are going to be on George Washington’s real birthday. The man whose birthday was changed officially by President Bill Clinton to be called President’s Day instead, so that you would forget the first President and remember all the rest, hopefully him first and foremost.

Last year, Bill Clinton was almost last on the poll of Most Popular Presidents. This year Bill Clinton was voted the 4th most popular.

I can’t imagine what he did in one year to take such a leap, can you?

But on February 22nd, it was the real hero, President George Washington that I started off thinking about.

However with one push of the button, I was thrust into the real world… the real world where absurdities abound.

We had a judge crying, two democratic politicians fighting, Iran salivating, and on a personal note, my dog’s rabies vaccine cost more than a high priced meal at the most expensive restaurant in town.

Socialism comes to your local vet. Next year I’m going out to eat and keeping her in the yard.

So, here in real time Technicolor absurdities are a few thoughts from this week.


Top of the list of course was the soap opera entertainment of who was going to get the deflated remains, being held together by inflated boobs: the body of Anna Nicole Smith.

Actually, after watching the movie RV tonight with Robin Williams, I am convinced that Larry Seidlin, the judge, should forget being a judge, and become a movie star comedian.

This movie was so bad that it seem to give the courtroom of Larry Seidlin Oscar potential. Larry was certainly more entertaining than Robin Williams trying to do a conservative family movie.

No wonder he was in rehab.

We had Anna’s mother who, although she kept making jokes about how fat she was in various pictures of her life, had not seen her daughter in years, but knew she wanted to be buried next to Marilyn Monroe.

An old boyfriend who started out sincere, and lamented about the slimy lawyer who kept her in drugs, also admitted she wanted to be buried next to Marilyn Monroe.

The slimy lawyer, who buried the son, found a long forgotten non-legal will: was present suspiciously at two deaths, also said she wanted to be buried next to Marilyn Monroe.

But her son was NOT buried next to Marilyn Monroe.

Nobody wanted to spend the money to move HIS body.

So the wise judge cried and cried…everyone noting he is the only one crying in the courtroom, and says…why, the 5-month old daughter gets her body!

Forget what Anna Nicole wanted!


So the guardian of the 5-month old daughter says he will take Anna back to the Bahamas, AFTER the judge says he wants to see Nicole in the Bahamas.

The funniest part of this whole thing (besides the hilarious moment when the Judge talked about woman jailers not getting paid in Texas, putting in some woman’s lib time, and how good he looks in tennis shorts) was that the Judge wanted to do right by the little daughter.

So right, that finding out who the real father was, was pushed aside.

In the end, little Dannielynn got screwed all around because Howard the lawyer will make sure that the boyfriend will never get near her little cheeks for that paternity test, and unless she grows up to be smarter than her mother…she will also be on drugs, due to the loving care of Howard Stern, who will probably get her a boob job by the time she is eleven.

Right now, she is in the loving protection of the ministry of the government officials of the Bahamas.

Where Bill and Hillary just bought a home.

I’m waiting for the millions to somehow get into the hands of Hillary’s campaign fund.

After all, why else would the Supreme Court hear this absurd case, and refuse others of so much more importance?

Okay, leave me alone---Makes sense to me.

And another thought…remember when the war in Lebanon was going badly? We got a week of Jon-Benet!

The Iraq war is going badly, so we got a week of Judge Seidlin’s passion play.

Why is it when the United States is losing somewhere in the world, we get passion plays on our television?


One thing that you can be sure of--- Hillary Clinton was probably glad of the distraction.

And speaking of the old gal, if the governor of, I believe it was North Carolina, had not come out and said that Obama was a citizen of the World, this Obama/Hillary fight would have been more joyful.

I just hate it when they push that “citizen of the world crap down our throats.”

For the first time in their history, Clinton’s loyal fans have turned on them. The money from the Spielberg’s and all their Hollywood friends, have turned on them.

Okay, maybe the Rogue Jew can explain to me why the powerful Jews in Hollywood embrace a man like Barack.

Nevertheless, for Hillary to demand that Obama give back the money he received from Hollywood, and apologize for calling the Clinton’s liars, when he didn’t even speak, goes to show that the Clinton’s are either confident of a secret none of the rest of us are privy too, or just getting too sloppy.

It happens to serial killers too. When they get too cocky, they get caught.

You see, the Clinton’s do this ALL the time. THEY never attack; they have their buddies do it. So they just figured it was Obama behind the attack.

Hillary is having a feminist moment. Maybe she needs a vacation to that new island off of Iran, where all women can go and let lose their inhibitions.

Get rid of the pants suits and get a burka: after all she is competing with a man named Obama, .Osama, Hussein, Barack; --- I’m really a Catholic, from Hawaii, black man.

She needs like Madonna, reinvent herself. Maybe put on some pointy boobs.


And speaking of Iran, most of the liberals here in the United States agree that it’s only fair that Iran have nukes just like us!

After all, we have them. The fact that Iran plans to use the nukes to bomb first Israel, and then us, off the face of the earth, has not entered their thinking yet.

They are still debating the fact that war kills men. They can’t seem to grasp that idea yet.

Actually, by this reasoning, all the democrats owe every American soldier an apology for NOT understanding the world in which we live in.

The Democrats understanding the nature of man will probably happen when Anna Nicole’s body comes back to lie next to Marilyn Monroe.

By that time, we will be the New North American United Emeritus.

Capitol: Dubai.

Hey…you think that’s absurd? Who owns us now?

Nobody’s Perfect; Jimmy Carter is now going to war with worms in Africa. Iraq is not the worry he says. “Let’s not go to war on Iraq, but on third world Issues.”

He is now touring Africa and handing out free medicine to anyone who looks poor, sick, and black.

I think Jimmy should get together with Robin Williams...after all; Robin named his kid in his movie after Karl Marx, and Jimmy loves Marxists.

Jimmy could use a comedian sidekick. I think Judge Seidlin might go with him; he has enough tears to fill all the sickness in Africa and more. Sudan would be a good place for him to start.

Nobody Knows; Speaking of Africa…China now has flooded Africa with so many cheap products, that the poor people in Africa are losing jobs right and left due to the fact that they can’t compete.

The story here is that, we have been told all these years in our media that the African people have NEVER worked. They just kill each other in wars, and starve mostly.

Who knew they actually had jobs?

Nobody Cares; I am SO glad this week is over. If I see one more shot of Anna Nicole’s boobs, and that smile where she would sneer her upper lip, I think I might have gone out and blown up about 3 dozens balloons, painted nipples on them, and popped them with a small pin, after drinking about half a bottle of wine.

Wearing my best red lipstick, of course.

The worse came when they showed her on Neil Cavuto while everyone was taking about stocks.

Ben Stein was getting so horny he couldn’t keep on subject.

It was getting pretty annoying.

It getting pretty bad when you have to put boobs on shows about finance, but then again, now we only have Dolly Parton.

Who I am praying, actually outlives me.


Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Who Did It?

Okay, who did this? Who is the father of these poor and unfortunate babies?

And just who drugged this poor mother, who was on her way to do a show in Las Vegas?

The boyfriend testified he saw the lawyer bringing drugs into the zoo, WHILE the mother was pregnant!

And looked what happened.

The judge could make the men claiming to be the father take a paternity test in the trial of Anna Nicole the tigress, it would take a few seconds, and solve the whole thing quickly....but why? Why do the obvious?

He plans to get his own TV show, so why spoil his chances for fame and fortune?

But, oh...who cares about those poor babies. Who will take care of them? Who will love them?

So, who did this? The Zoo keeper? The wart hog?

Bill Clinton?

Stay tuned, tomorrow the zoo is still in session, and the judge is determined to drag it out until he gets his own program on Fox.

But they'd better hurry up because even tigers decay, and money sitting around tends to disappear.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Presidential Pig Will Give Us a Senatorial Dog

Nobody’s Opinion: The Chinese have warned us---it’s now here: the Year of the Pig. And according to their version of astrology, all of us are animals.

We are either pigs, dogs, monkeys, rats, oxen, horses, goats, cats, tigers, roosters, dragons, or snakes.

And in the year of the pig, a real live socialist sow, fattened up from years of slopping at the Chinese monetary troughs will succeed. Yes, our own real hog-grown American “Ms Piggy,” Hillary Clinton, (born in the year of the Pig) was having such a bad time last week due to the tsunami waves of Obama and Giuliani threatening her pork power in the presidential polls--- that she had to bring out of the closet (or blond of the moment) her husband, Kermit. Hillary suggested she will make him a Senator if you elect her for President. Because, as we all know--- it’s really Bill the dog who everyone likes.

Well, at least the people who are used to being fed at public trough of redistributed wealth like him.

Bill, Hillary's little Kermit at the moment, according to the Chinese, is not actually a frog, but a dog. (born in 1946, the year of the Dog.)

And who am I, a simple nobody, to argue? After getting out some of my old Chinese astrology books, it appears that after thousands of years of meditations and observations on human characteristics, the Chinese have gotten most of humanity right.

Especially when used to analyzed the behavior of Bill and Hillary Clinton

Yes, Hillary acts like a gluttonous pig, slopping up everything and everyone in her sight. She wants ALL the power, the food, the perks, and the complete control in the pigpen called our government, and she will not stop wallowing in the mud until she eats up the world.

Bill acts like just like a dog, and if she has her way, Hillary will soon be his master.

After all, pigs are known to be smarter than dogs.

Despite the fact that Bill pretty much pisses on everything he passes, and wants to do nothing but hump the nearest available poodle with money, and despite the fact that he does have what many people consider loveable qualities unlike his “mate,”---Bill does not exhibit the most important trait most dogs offer humanity.

And that’s loyalty: devotion to other human beings, or even other dogs for that matter. (I’m thinking of poor photo-op Buddy, R.I.P.) Bill pretty much acts like a snake in that regard.

Therefore, the Chinese need to update this “theory of human animalistic destiny” and decide to take a few pointers from Western Astrology, which says that people can be born on a cusp and act like two animals at once.

It does get tiresome the West having to help out the rest of the world all the time…doesn’t it?

So maybe, what we have here is a combination of traits. Bill is a dog and a snake. Hillary is a pig and a snake. Both are starting to resemble one another due to the latest knowledge recently released, (see picture of dog/pig) that people who have known each other for a long time will start to act and look like each other, because it makes them feel comfortable, genetically speaking.

It’s comfortable to the brain cells of animals to look at another animal person and not have to work too hard with computing results.

Hillary and Bill both bark and oink at every possible opportunity…all they need is a camera, and the vision of pork.

But, don’t take my word about this…let’s see what the Chinese have to say about these two beasties.

The Chinese say:

There are three phases of a dog’s life. Anxious childhood, difficult youth, middle-age defeatist before the work is done and an old age full of regrets for not having done enough.

Okay, we all know Bill has regrets for not being able to get rid of the 22nd amendment. And he regrets not getting bin Laden all thirteen times he could have. He regrets not being President during a good war like FDR had. He also regrets not having more time with Nicole Kidman.

And I’m sure he regrets the sloppy blue dress.

After that, he regrets nothing else, especially the impeachment where he alone saved the Constitution.

But dogs tend to worry say the Chinese… Dick Morris has confirmed that fact. The dog likes to drown himself in details, which in Bill’s case are presented as “Bill sees both sides of every issue, nothing is ever black or white; he is just so brilliant!”

This is why he can keep the world and everyone around him totally confused and off guard.

Dogs are champions of injustice we are told. So, here we have another problem. Bill convinces us he cares about injustice all over the world, but when the pork hits the fan, it’s all hot air. That’s when that snake in his character keeps slithering out.

Personally, I think Bill Clinton could very well have descended from the original snake that convinced Eve to take a bite. The Darwininists say it’s possible…who am I to argue? (And why would I want to when it comes to B.C.?)

Despite his worries, Bill Clinton still has time to destroy America. He will be back in power when his wife takes office as President. So, if he doesn’t get that done by the time he dies, he will pass the job off to Chelsea.

On our Presidential candidate Ms Piggy Hillary, or people born under the year of the Pig, the Chinese say:

“Under his (or her) deceptive air of sweet reasonableness, the Pig hides plenty of willpower and authority. They can have a force that nothing can oppose. He (or she) appears to be well read, but in fact most of his (or her) knowledge is only superficial. If you were to test the depth of his (or her) understanding you would soon find it didn’t go very deep.”

Well, that one is right on. If Hillary had any understanding of the world she would do us all a favor and go find a nice farm with plenty of mud to retire. She could move to France, her own vision of a perfect pig paradise.

Instead, she wants to be the big pig teat of the world.

So I ask in simple honestly….where’s the Pork? Where’s the bacon? Where’s the fat? Where’s your next meal coming from?

Just ask the Chinese. They’ve got it all figured out.

Something tells me this year of the pig might turn into the decade of the Big Pork Blowout.

Nobody’s Perfect; Ronald Reagan was also born in the year of the pig. So, the Chinese got this one wrong. The Democrats and the Russians thought they were dealing with a cow, and out came the American eagle.

But then again, the Chinese have shown themselves to be wise owls by choosing the power-hungry Clintons to hand over the United States.

As Bill Clinton once said “The United States will not always be the big dog on the block, and we’d better get used to it.”

Spoken like a true Chinaman. Spoken like a true dog.

Spoken like a true snake.

And I hate to bring you the news, but according to the Chinese, 2008, our Presidential election year, will be the year of the rat.

Now you know why the Communist ruled China---they have written into their culture an excuse for rulers treating people like animals.

How clever.

Nobody Knows; We now have a 735 billion dollar deficit to China. So how long it is until the nations of Pigs owns the nation of the Eagle?

Confusius says, when the dog marries the pig, and they jump over the moon.

Nobody Cares. The Chinese wanted to put a pig on a stamp to celebrate the year of the Pig, but due to Muslim protests, they decided to give the goats a break, and not do it.