Saturday, December 06, 2008

Do NOT Swallow THIS!

Nobody Wins! Here's a nifty neon sign that many Americans would just love to put up in their house!
Yes---it would look very snappy in the kitchen!
Well, for $3700, the neon artist Tapp Francke will make it yours!
Swallowing as we all know, is a very important human trait, without which we would all die of starvation. Here's an artist that thinks we need reminding!
Yes, swallowing is right up there with breathing. It's very special...don't just take it from Bill Clinton---I too have a "swallow" story to tell...
And it's true what they say: you learn the most from your mistakes.
I have witnessed first hand, one item, that you must try never, ever let pass down your throat...for the simple reason that one doctor told me it takes years to digest, and here's the life lesson that gained me that valuable knowledge---
Years ago, my son, who was at the time about three years old, swallowed half a bottle of pink baby aspirin.
Dummy me. I left it next to his bedside by just being my forgetful self, but I thought that he knew enough NOT to eat the stuff.
As all parents know, it tastes like cherry.
I was wrong.
Well, in an emotional panic, I picked up my kid, pajama's and all, stuffed him into the front seat of the car, and off to the nearest emergency room we went, when I discovered the bottle half empty. Like most kids, he didn't admit to it, and that's usually a pretty good sign that you should start worrying, at least that's what I thought.
Immediately at the hospital, they started pumping the poor kid's stomach. I felt so stupid as I watched the tube going down his throat, due to my clumsy mistake my poor baby was going to go through some very uncomfortable pain..
But then...stuff started coming out---and it wasn't baby aspirin.
Lump after lump, after BIG HUGE lumps the size of small tomatoes were being projected out like bullets---of...not baby aspirin, but chewing GUM. Forget the baby me this was a precursor to baby cancer...
"What's is THAT!!!" I screamed, like any normal mother.
"Oh" said the doctor with a smile. "Looks like gum. It won't hurt him, it just doesn't digest. Takes about seventeen years."
Seventeen years? How did they come by that number?
"Why doesn't it digest?" I said.
"Well, it's mostly rubber." said the doctor.
To this day, I have no idea if that doctor was pulling my leg.
Having to watch my young boy heave such a magnitude of rubber the size of small baseballs, was enough to ruin my entire week.
In the end, after it was all "out," he ending up being just fine. The doctor said, he saw no baby aspirin. How could he? It was probably swallowed up by the gum.
My brave boy (who had told the truth, he did not swallow the pills) was not even phased by the ordeal...but at the end of the session I counted seventeen (maybe that's where the doctor came up with that number) big wades of chewing gum in that bedpan.
I learned many lessons that day. Don't believe your kid when he says he will never eat something if he's too young to comprehend why not, and don't swallow gum.
Oh, and try not to go completely bonkers and forget how many pills are in a bottle when you work long hours at night.
To this day, I'm very careful what I swallow. (stop it.) AND I NEVER throw a wade of gum on the ground because it might end up in some poor birds stomach.
Think about that the next time you go to throw your gum on the ground. If it doesn't come out of a human, can you imagine what it does to a bird?
In the end, I thought the event was a good thing, because if my son had not gotten his stomach pumped, he would have never known that gum is bad to swallow...and by now, who knows how many pieces he could still have there and what lifelong damage it could have done?
I mean, I had NO idea he swallowed gum...I had told him not to...really.
And Francke's sign? He suggests people put it in their bedroom, but this nobody thinks a light that bright would keep anyone up all night, you'd never get any sleep.
You might reach for the wrong sleeping pills... you might accidently swallow a wade of gum off your nightstand...
I'm just saying.....


Friday, December 05, 2008

Flatulence COULD Be Saving Mankind!

Nobody's Fool: No, this is not a picture of Secretary Paulson merging the American government with every single bank in the universe...

Although if he could pull this off, I'm sure he'd try.

I must admit---I'm a real nut when it comes to released photo's from the Hubble. In case you missed it: this is a picture of galaxy NGC 2207 crashing into 1c 2163.

One of them must have been talking on their cell phone.

Seriously, can you imagine a more beautiful sight to think about at Christmas?

There is nothing like looking at Hubble pictures to put the Earth and all it's absurdities into perspective. I give myself a Hubble book every Christmas! It's the least I can do for myself.

Recently I've been reading a science fiction book called, "FutureLand" by Walter Mosley. And there is a quote by one of the main characters on what he considered...a form of "god." Notice, I said "form."

I thought it was interesting, and goes with the picture---

"Years ago," Ptolemy said, (There's a catchy name for a main charactor!) "I discovered that the atmosphere of the Earth was enveloped by an intelligent ether. It's a vast store of knowledge that exists in an area between five hundred and two thousand miles about the surface. It's an awareness, a consciousness. For many years this consciousness has been trying to communicate with us---by radio waves. Back then I thought it was God (he was four) but now, I'm not so sure."

Now in reality, millions of people of the earth have had telepathic experiences, so who's to say that something like this doesn't exist?

Therefore, if the United Sates government starts taxing the flatulence of pigs and cows, they could be destroying a cesspool of human knowledge already floating above us, and destroy us all. It COULD be that very cow and pig flatulence is keeping everything telepathically evolving, and if destroyed, many of our geniuses won't be about to develop new energy to take us into the future!

I'm just saying...

Then again, Barney Frank's flatulence should be not only be taxed, but corked as soon as possible. He has caused enough damage. If fact, it was probably Barney that Harry Reid was actually smelling on his way to work, and blamed it on the poor American citizens.

Okay, so I've spoiled the picture already...STOP JOYANNA!


Thursday, December 04, 2008

Nobody Flashes On a Thursday!

Nobody Flashes on a Thursday:

Hey, I can flash anytime and anywhere I want!

But in this case, it could be great news...

Here we see American citizens amazed that during the Senate hearings, where all three CEO's of the major American Auto Companies...Ford, GM, and Chrysler---along with their great Union representatives, were making a case that billions of some of that bailout money should also be given to the CEO's (after all, they deserve it just as much as the banks they said)---

Because if they didn't get money soon...the whole world would be sorry...mothers and babies would starve, union pensions would disappear, millions of more jobs would be lost....and the Jeep might have to get rid of it's canvas tops.

Then, incredibly---thunder crashed and a great hole opened up in the earth and swallowed them all---politicians and BIG corporate bosses alike...before they could scramble to their hybrid cars and escape!

Now, take a deep breathe...wasn't that fun?


Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Nobody Knows How Many Electric Cars It Takes To Light Up a Christmas Tree

Nobody Knows: Everyone’s talking about it: the Big- 3 car bailout.

Oh--- that and the fact that now that the elections over, our government can admit the fact that America has been in a recession since December of 2007---its official. So what if PT Barnum Paulson, Barnacle Bernanke, President “I didn’t expect to go to war” W. Bush, and the Congress of a trillion bailouts lied to you, time and time again. Now that they’ve taken over the country, and become the fascist state that they were planning on…it doesn’t matter anymore.

Okay, YOU tell me what you think happened here.

So, how long will it take before they admit that America is now practicing fascism?

Forty years? Never?

Nobody knows, but in the meantime the CEOs will continue to tell you they are only working for one dollar, and will sell off their corporate jets. What they won’t tell you is that they have their own jets, and the company will pay for the fuel...and the company is now owned by America.

So, here in no particular logical order, because, as the world makes no sense to anyone at the moment---are a bunch of questions that nobody knows the answers to. And if the “élites” at the top have any say in it…you will never know.
Put it right up there with who killed JFK?


Nobody Knows: When the cities of the United States are lying off people right and left, and having to actually try to make budget, how can they be holding---

We will pay cash for all guns of all citizens (?)BIG BUCKS! Turn in your assault weapons now! Buy your kid a toy from Wal-Mart” sales?

Where’s the money coming from?

They say it’s from drug money, but nobody knows if this is not just the start of getting rid of the second amendment, step by step.

So---what country are they going to send the confiscated guns too?

Nobody knows.

Nobody Knows: Just how scary it is that Bill Richardson has been made Secretary of Commerce? No wonder he refused to back Hillary during the primaries. Also…if you remember, Richardson was the man that ‘gave’ North Korea all its plutonian…

That turned out well.

Obama couldn’t have picked a better man to peddle the commerce of nuclear material…I plan to stock up on peanut butter if he makes trips to Iran or Cuba.

Yes, if you want to pass any laws without going through the Constitution, just put it through the Commerce Department. That’s how Boeing sold all those wonderful nuclear secrets to China.

And speaking of that---

Nobody Knows: How does Obama expects to rule when he has surrounded himself with every single Clinton loyalist from Bill Clinton’s past administration? It’s almost as if it was decided by the “élites” that for their agenda, it would be better to have Obama as President.

They just didn’t tell Hillary.

It’s like Bill Clinton pulled a Putin.

Everyone criticized Putin when he couldn’t run again in Russia…remember? So Putin just picked a puppet to take his place and he just pretended to take a minor role, but he’s still in control.

So, Hillary and Bill and all their men are back in power, with just one man taking the top position…not much different than what Putin did. Really, ALL the top positions, every one, are back in power.

Everyone thinks Obama is in control…but is he?

I really don’t see any difference in what they did as opposed to what Putin did…but they have the media so controlled it will never, ever, be questioned.

Nobody Knows: By 2012, Obama plans to have a fully loaded army (from 20,000 to up to 350,000 troops) standing by in every city in America--- which will also be made up of lots of foreigners, because lets face it, there might be some real loyal Americans in these troops who will refuse to shoot American citizens.

The Posse Comitatus Act was dismissed, and then repealed in 2006, but President Bush says he does not feel bound to it. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger does not feel bound to uphold the vote against gay marriage, or Mayor Bloomberg of New York did not feel bound to step down after his term was up, or Secretary Paulson felt bound to spend the big bailout money as he said he would…

Hey, if all these people don’t feel bound to follow the law…why should we feel bound to pay their salaries?

Nobody Knows: And on a more universal note---one of the most known and respected physicists on the planet, Machio KaKu, thinks that the North Pole will completely melt soon.

He also says that black holes travel thorough space and will gobble up anything in their paths, including small planets with no North Poles. He says they will do this without a burp.

At the rate we’re going, by the time the black hole gets to Earth, we will already be gone.

So…the question is: how many electric cars will light up a Christmas Tree? And will the world be gobble up by a real black hole or a manufactured one?

Nobody knows, but we will soon find out.


Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Mickey Takes the Bishop

Nobody Knows: What fairy tale does this Bishop of the Queen of England want to demolish?
Mickey Mouse.
Yes, this is the same guy who thinks that the Muslims in England should go ahead and op out of England's laws and be allowed to carry on the laws of Sharia.
You know---cutting off hands, killing wives and daughters who disobey, whipping people in the public square---that kind of stuff.
He has also said, in an open rancor with the Disney Corporation in one of his books, that Disney was; "marketing culture that so openly feeds and colludes with obsession."
"Obsession?" All I can say is: Thank GOD for Disney's obsession. Many of us think that if not for the joy of Disney and his products, our culture would have gone down the trash bin much sooner.
This nobody has no clue just what threat or obsession Mickey could possibly be doing to our children...after all, if we are keeping score, I'd say Mickey Mouse has never committed a serious crime against any child alive...whereas, if you count the thousands of children that have been hurt by Bishops of the churches, you wonder just what fairy tale this guy is living in.
What a scumbag.
If I were Disney, I'd make up a villain that looks JUST like him, and put him in my next children's movie, so that all the children of the world will recognize a true and henious villain when they see one. And I'd name that villian Rowan the Terrible, in his honor.
Then I'd have the hero of the movie....cut off his hand. (Okay, if it's a kid's movie, he should lose the hat.)
For a man who wears a golden hat every day of his life, I'd say accusing others of having "obsessions" is a real stretch by any imagination. An imagination that God, in his error, forgot to give this poor man.
Not to mention, he brushes his eyebrows up...that's just too weird.
England? What's going on over there guys? Give us a ring...


Monday, December 01, 2008

If You See A Poltical Turkey Coming At Your Head...DUCK!

Nobody’s Perfect: Ann Coulter has written a book about it---“How To Talk to a Liberal (If You Must); Rush Limbaugh has funny songs to teach you how to do it; Glenn Beck has a whole segment on his radio show called, “How to Talk To An Idiot.”…

But so far, I don’t think anyone has written any advise on how to NOT talk back to your sister-in-law at the family Thanksgiving dinner when she is SO mad at you, her husband’s sister, (that’s me) for having an political opinion not like her own, and gets so nasty about it, that everyone eyes the bowl of mashed potatoes during the argument to see if the young woman will hurl her boxed mashed potatoes (don’t get me wrong, they were delicious and it would have been a tragic loss)-- across the table at your face.

If she had done that, I would have taken all my finger-licking white meat turkey leftovers (yes, I brought the turkey) and gone straight home, missing Tom Cruise dancing at the end of “Tropical Thunder,” the already scheduled after-Thanksgiving-dinner family movie.

Another tragic loss.

Yes, my sister-in-law got very angry at me at the Thanksgiving family dinner, because, she thought that we if America joined with Mexico and Canada, the AMERO would save our lives and we would all be somehow… richer?

As if it was my fault she had to forfeit buying more Martha Stewart candles this month.

I don’t know how in the world we got on the subject, but I know it wasn’t me that got into the subject of politics, because I know from experience, my whole family thinks I’m about a quart short of a gallon when it comes to my conspiracy theories.

After all, the North Pole is going to melt in one year due to the sins of mankind, and how foolish of me to think otherwise.

They think, that I think, I’m a know-it-all, and that’s shows just how well they know me---not at all.

So, in my calmest voice, I said: “Are you SURE about that?” Knowing that neither she nor I, last time I looked, had gone beyond the usual bookkeeping exercise of our own checkbooks.

Something tells me, there was more to this than meets the cranberry eye.
She also threw in some nasty comments about my poor dead mother, who, when volunteering long ago to buy the very dining room set we were eating our Thanksgiving dinner on as a wedding present---actually protested when my sister-in-law picked the most expensive one she could find.

After all, my sister-in-law said, that beautiful set, with the two extensions, and two free extra chairs was a real bargain at $3,000 dollars. The nerve of my mother.

Now, to many of you that is the right price, but come on. This was over 15 years ago, and my mother was on Social Security. An $800 dollar set would have been over her budget. I don’t blame her for balking.

But still…I love my brother, who is married to her. I love my son, who dearly loves them both.

And so, even though, I knew despite the fact that my mother at the time couldn’t afford to do so, she still bought that set for my sister-in-law …I kept my mouth shut. There were empty liquor bottles on the kitchen floor. Sometimes, watching Monk comes in handy.

Let’s face it. You can listen to talk radio, watch O’Reilly ask tough questions of Obama (who has controlled his temper so well, he probably came out of the womb saying, “Yes, we can.”) and get all the pointers you need on how to talk to strangers, and people you don’t know, but disagreeing on politics with family members is not something you can just do without severe lifelong repercussions.

Remember the Civil War?

With strangers it’s very easy…because you know that no matter how violently you both disagree, odds are, you will never have to eat their Thanksgiving stuffing.

But when families talk politics over turkey, and there is a vast disagreement between two parties…no turkey gravy in the world is going to save a lifetime of bad feelings. In fact, if you’re invited back at all to their house, it all fake smiles and conversations, and that makes everyone miserable.

And if the two members in dispute are women…it’s ten times worse. Let’s face it, men laugh, and make stupid jokes when it comes to this stuff.

But women, will carry a grudge forever…ask any man.

After the surprise attack…my brother and my husband tried to make light of it.
Visions of wonderful future holiday family banquets were vanishing right before their eyes.

They’re not stupid. wasn’t that I was aghast at my sister-in-laws political attitude, it was…

Okay, I admit…I did say that the North American Treaty was not “right” because the people had no say in it at all. I believe in the Constitution. I believe in government by the people, and for the people…it’s what thousands of men have lost their lives to protect.

I was also not surprised to hear her say that the merging of three nations was something wonderful to be desired…no…it was the gathering years of hatred that came out of her voice, her eyes---her whole body shook…as if she just couldn’t take me anymore…she literally got up from the table and…left.

I’ve always thought my sister-in-law to be one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I’ve always thought that my brother was lucky to have married her. I really don’t care a hoot what she thinks about the country, or whether it matters at all. a typical woman, I was extremely hurt, because I knew that nothing I could ever do or say would change her opinion of me.

So---where’s the book on this?

The thought occurred to me that if I had money, I could buy her something expensive to…bribe her to control her hatred of me…at least during family dinners.

And then I realized--- that same solution pretty much explains America’s past, present, and future foreign policy in a nutshell.

Just send money, so that they tolerate us.

Yes, the United States must save the world, bring everyone in it up from poverty. Send the world LOTS of money and then, accordingly no one will attack the hated United States.

The trouble is: it doesn’t work, and I still might get a well-aimed fork at my head by my sister-in-law someday, no matter how nice I try to be to her.

No wonder the North Pole is melting. It’s covered in tons of hot turkey gravy that my sister-in-law threw after I left.

I plan on asking her at our family Christmas dinner (that is, if there IS one) one question; If the North Pole doesn’t melt, can I still come over for her wonderful home cooked meals?
Then I plan to duck.
I suggest the citizens of America do the same.


Sunday, November 30, 2008

We STILL Have Swans

Nobody's Opinion: I had a bad day yesterday. I really shouldn't write anything tonight, my keyboard might ignite.

Well, not as bad as some people half way round the world...but still...

So in these hard times, it's more important than ever to remember the beauty that's all around us.

And speaking of beauty...check out the really cool snow scene at Doug Powers site...

"There's a double beauty whenever a swan, swims on a lake with her double thereon." ----