Friday, April 07, 2006

Progressive Goose Dung

Progressive Goose Dung

Nobody’s Opinion: I’m reading James Carville’s “Had Enough?” this week, and have to admit, he is a clever man. He might have been the real reason the Democratic Party has been so successful in the last decade, because he can spin logic almost as well as a Ted Bundy.

But halfway into the book I came to a part that really was one of the most “progressive” ideas that any man with a bald head ever came up with. He calls it, “A new idea for growth tomorrow-American Stakeholder Accounts.”

Basically he says that progressives (that’s all you comrades out there) need to start owning houses, land, business, savings…sounds good so far. Sounds like every conservative’s dreams. With me so far? So he introduces a program called “asset building”

That’s how he spins it, that’s how he plans to sell it. Well, we’ll all go for that. Who doesn’t want to build their “assets?”

The catch is, the way we will build our assets is by federal programs which take the “assets” in taxes from one person and gives it to another.

Carville explains how the G.I. bill, which gives a G.I. an education or a first home in exchange for service, is an “asset” builder. He forgets that a soldier actually works for that “asset” and it is well deserved.

Jimmy knows you’re with him so far. He knows every patriot respects our soldiers. Then he takes that little nookie and ties it into the rest, thinking you are going to go along with his program because he drew such an emotional parallel.

We should have more programs like this because they “equalized the distribution of wealth in America." That’s their (his progressive party’s) goal he said, and progressives should introduce to America the idea of the American Stakeholder Accounts.

You got to love this guy. What he is suggesting is basically communism, but he puts the word American in the title and it becomes a way to get “assets” for the poor.

What he wants to do is give each baby born in America, including illegal immigrants who come here just to give birth, $6,000 of your hard earned money up front. This would give every child a “ticket” he says to the middle classes.

I don’t know about you, but $6,000 dollars would hardly pay your gas bills for a year, let alone get you into the middle class.

I can just see these “tickets” being held by the government for twenty years until junior is 21, in some nice reserved account much like Social Security, which Congress will rob, just like they robbed Social Security and the Patent Office, and by the time the kid is 21, it will not be there.

Then they will be going on TV to say, sorry folks, there is just not going to be enough to give every one we promised their $6,000. Better start saving.

What---do you actually think they are going to give the parent the money to hold for the child? NO…they will keep it in an account earning interest for them.

In the pure sense of the word, it would be communism if it actually came back to you as redistributed wealth. But more than likely it will go to some African dying of aids, or into one of their yearly pay raises, or a new Department of Stakeholder Accounts. It’s just another clever way for the Congress to get their hands on more money.

Frankly, I don’t like anyone calling me a progressive. It’s what the communists have always called themselves, and I’m insulted that a man in America wants communism and thinks you’re so greedy you’ll take that $6,000. They will tell you it’s taken out of the rich man’s pay. Remember, this man was one of the Clinton’s butt-boys, and I’ve been telling you they are in line with the communists.
Clinton used “progressive” all through that boring book of his. They know that most people today have no idea that they are making you think that all their wonderful ideas are “new” and “unique” and going forward into the future…to infinity and beyond!

Don’t buy it. That word has been used to manipulate the masses since Karl Marx decided he didn’t like England.

And speaking of progressive England, there was an old superstition that if you rubbed goose dung into a bald man’s head, his hair would grow.

That’s pretty much what comes out of James' mouth…progressive goose dung.

Nobody’s Perfect: It was quietly reported today that all the money donated by other countries was lost. No one knows where it went. But I’m sure they’ll just say, “Hey, nobody’s perfect.” and that will be the end of it.

Nobody Knows; I thought when Justice O’Connor left the Supreme Court she was going to retire. God knows she is old enough. But no---we read today that she is getting a job as honorary Chancellor of William and Mary College. She will be pleading for young minds to go into public service and build bridges. What nobody knows is when did she become a progressive? Yes, they need as many progressive promoters as they can get. Even if they are too old to remember what the word means.

See you on Sunday…
Today, a woman who had just beat up a policeman,
sent a strike for the Globalists around the world. With the single strike of a cell phone, she will bring down the big Dog called "America" with the help of Sun-Tzu, and all her buddies in Congress.

In the future, Nations all over the world will give her gifts, awards, and free suites at the finest hotels in Dubai. Chevez will place her picture next to Che in all his speeches. Castro will offer her a villa in Havanna.

By bravely walking through the lines of the Congress without her ID, she has been a soldier for the party of internationalists. A woman with the whitest teeth in Atlanta. And the biggest Hair since Carrot Top,Cynthia, a woman most people had no clue was even in the House of Representatives, will now get an honored place in the Clinton's library in Arkansas.

Kofi Annan will present a her one of his sons.

What did she do that was so great, you ask. below, and see why Cynthia was one of the biggest hero's in the Democratic Party.
The Cell Phone Heard Round the World.

Nobody’s Opinion: “All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable. When using our forces, we must seem inactive. When we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away. When far away, we must make him believe we are near. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him. If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is superior in strength, evade him. If your opponent is quick to anger, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. Attack him where he is unprepared; appear where you are not expected.”--- Sun Tzu, the Art of War.

While the fate of a nation was being decided today on the Senate floor in Washington, D.C., America watched while a calm and happy black woman Representative of the House named McKinney basically apologize for beating up a police officer who was just doing his job, with her cell phone. She was sorry she said, as she grinned from ear to ear.

Just 24 hours before she was so upset she was crying “racial profiling.” You would have thought this police man had raped her, kidnapped her children, and burned a white cross on her front lawn while blasting “Hey, Hey, We’re The Monkeys” on a 500,000 watt P.A.system aimed at her front door.

But something was wrong here. That fast of a turn around seemed very out-of-place for the black caucus. That’s not their usual game.

My mind drifted to an imaginary scene: Somewhere, deep in the Congressional Halls, a secret gathering was taking place. The room was dark. Big leather chairs…dark red velvet curtains: there was a crowd…people talking, drinking brandy---cigars, men in dark suits, ladies in thousand dollar shoes. The powerful Democratic elites of Congress were gathering. There were all the great leaders: Kennedy, Feinstein, Jackson, Clintons, Gores--- and McCain.

In the middle of the darkened room stood a small old man of Asian decent. His robes of gold and purple hung down to the floor. His beard was very long and gray. As he cleared his throat, everyone took a seat…the room became quiet.

Sun Tzu was about to speak.

“In order to win the next election, you need the Hispanic vote. Your base is getting smaller. You must pass the historical ruling tomorrow in order to get back into power. Everything depends on this moment. The riots went well and as planned…it has angered many people. Now, you must direct that anger in another direction so the people do not see what is about to happen. So you need a delusion. Something else to infuriate them and keep their anger off the amnesty you are about to rule into law. Any suggestions?”

“How about burning some churches?” said Al Sharpton.

“Or how about some more fires in Texas? I just love to watch that state burn!” said James Carville. Everyone laughed.

John Kerry spoke, “Impeachment. We’ve got to stick on that. Maybe we can drum up some false documents saying that Bush ordered the planes to stand down during 9/11. I really think that we should keep on this.”

Hillary Clinton laughed, “No John, we need something dirtier, a sex scandal of some kind. Let’s get Larry to dig up an old girlfriend of George’s and get her say he is calling her again and is drinking.”

“Hell, why can’t he get hit by a car while he’s riding on that stupid bike?” said Ted Kennedy. Everyone was laughing…but the old man shook his head.

“No,” said Sun Tzu. “You have not listened. This must be something very simple. Something that is so ordinary, no one would suspect it.”

Then from the back of the room where he had been sitting quietly thinking, the great man, Bill Clinton rose to his feet. Everyone’s eyes followed him to the first aisle. He had the beautiful smile that they all adored; he stopped and titled his head to one side. The room became silenced.

“I think I have it.” he said. “We’ll get a black female congressman to not wear her ID, and when the police stop her, and you know they will, she can say he touched her “inappropriately.” It’s very important that she says the word ‘inappropriate’ to suggest something sexual. The people will be so mad because the the polls all say they are sick of the blacks getting special treatment. They won’t be paying attention to the Senate. Then you know, the Republicans will come after her and it will be all over the news, I guarantee it. We work the deal, and all go home. “

For a few brief moments…there was an eerie silence…then everyone bursted into applaud.

“I’ll do it.” Said Cynthia McKinney. “Let me, please, I just got my hair done!”

The deal was done. Once again, the master had come through. Victory.

George Soros put on his raincoat and grabbed Hillary’s arm. Everyone starting piling out of the room, into the dark night---to the bars.

Bill and SunTuz were left alone.

“How about a drink Sun?” Said Bill.

“No, I cannot. I remember a saying that was told by one of your masters, “Keep your friends near but your enemies closer.” Actually, I think it was stolen from me, but I'm just getting too old to remember all that I've said. This cloning stuff is starting to wear me down. I did want to say I am pleased at your relations with President Bush.” Besides, I have to get to another meeting down the hall.”

The two old friends walked out together. The lights dim…

And in my mind at least, the art of war continues, and the fate of a great nation was brought down by a cell phone.

Nobody Knows; Just how anyone is going to find out exactly how long each and every one of the millions of illegal aliens have been in the country, in order to decide who is going to be allowed to stay, was not mentioned by our great leaders today. Probably they will come up with a question much like the ones asked when you check in your luggage at an airport---“Did you pack your own bag?” No, I have my dad is bin Laden's brother and my push-up bra is loaded with explosives."

So they will ask Jose, who just walked across the border…”How long have you been here?” “Oh, about 12 years.”

Our government working at all hours to protect us. Frankly, I miss John Ashcroft.

Nobody’s Perfect; This award goes to whomever did Cynthia McKinney’s hair.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Radio Free Mexico

Nobody’s Opinion; There is dyspepsia tonight on my radio. I’m listening to
“The Savage Nation” and Rick Roberts is on a roll tonight shouting…

”I want my country back!”

He is whipping his audience up into a frenzy with good old American patriotism that makes you feel great. Your toes tingle and your eyes water up. Your emotional gulag is broken and across the nation’s highways, homes, computer desks, and outside on the desert lawns are the real Americans saying “Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!”

Then the CBS news break comes on, we hear a Catholic bishop’s voice praying: “Please Lord, let us pray that the horrible, and mean Congress will give these poor illegal aliens a right to stay in our country. We must do right thing.” Well, I can’t remember just exactly what he said…but that’s what he was saying. The left have FINALLY got a religious bishop they can truly love, with a prayer probably written by James Carville while sitting in a barber chair.

The Catholic Church was decimated in the last election by the left, who brought the whole church down with the relentless attacks of sexual scandals inside the church.

Catholic churches and schools closed all over the country. The left were in heaven. Nevertheless, the poor, mostly older souls who lost their only place of solitude and hope because of this calculated political maneuver was hard to watch.

I don’t know about you. But my heart breaks much more for a poor widow, who had only her Sunday morning sermons to help her through her days now lost, than an illegal alien who is making good money taking away high-paying construction job from a laid-off Ford employee. Where were the bishops then? Where were the Democrats?

No, the Democratic sinners were casting the first stone and they will cast the last before it’s all over.

Now, they both need fresh Mexican bodies. The Church lost billions…and the Democrats need votes. What is sad to know, is that our President who despite what he has said in recent days, agrees with them too. For us, it’s a lose-lose situation.

And now Hillary loves Jesus. Any day now she is going to tell us she has endorsed the Catholic faith, and Jesus will carry us all to the promise land, if you elect her for President.

Anyway, back to Rick who is mad about the children being told they cannot fly the American flag in their own school. Lots of normal hard-working Americans are calling in now, the emotions are flying…we are ready to take up our guns and go into Washington and demand the whole Senate go home to their mansions, and let us take over. The President can go too. Let them all go home.

Maybe we should include in the swearing in all Congressional, Presidential, and judicial swearing in ceremonies the Hippocratic Oath of “First, do no harm.”

Then, another news break. This time we have John Kerry saying that we have to use force on the Iraq government, they are just sitting around doing nothing,

I guess John would send the Special Forces to shoot them in the back if they don’t do what we want. Yes, they are the elected officials and we have the right to tell them what to do. If Kerry was President he would make sure that they did what he said. But if Bush tells them that, then Kerry would say he’s an American dictator.

Now, I’m getting dizzy. The very liberally owned leftist CBS somehow gets its propaganda agenda on the simple news. And they wonder why everyone is turning off the news and going to the internet.

What’s driving the left nuts is the majority of Americans work, they listen to the radio while they work, and the radio is mostly conservative. We don’t go to their movies of propaganda anymore, we don’t buy their papers, and we stay away from their networks… and they need money, so they have to put on the only thing that draws

Americans are turning on American Idol instead of CNN. They don’t want to listen to people tell them how bad they are for wanting a big car, higher wages than other countries, and a nation with one language

The radio historically has been just as powerful tool for freedom. It helped us free Europe, win WWII, and bring down Russia.

So, we need to bring down Mexico. We could teach them freedom…on the radio.

Nobody Knows; Some guy was doing experiments on people some time ago trying to see how much they would obey authority. One guy would be told to give electric shocks to another behind a curtain (who was an actor) and he would hear the on the other side scream with each increase of voltage. The results were 60 to 75 percent keep it up.

John Kerry has suggested we use this program on the Iraq elected officials.

Nobody’s Perfect; Eminem, the white rapper who proudly showed the world that a white boy could dress just as stupid as a black man, while at the same time pretending he was a drunk and stoned Dylan Thomas, is going to divorce his first wife again. I think we should forgive him, after all, we forgave Liz Taylor. Maybe they can get together.

Nobody Wins; When Katie Couric decides to quit her morning gig and try to deliver serious news, nobody wins but Katie.


Tuesday, April 04, 2006

A Bear Can Beat a Dog

Once upon a time, there was a big dog called "America." Things went well for quite a long time, then somewhere along time, after the 200-year mark of Thomas Jeffersons' deadline for the death of most democracies, the great dog, that had become a big bear, was losing faith.

The poor bear didn't understand what was happening. The Bear had just won a great victory defending another's animals lair, but somehow, his own lair was getting empty.

Then, along came a man named Perot, who tried to tell the bear just what had happened to him. Perot wanted to help him badly, but the people that took care of the bear told the bear that this man was a looney, and was lower than a skunk.

So, the bear walked away. Every day after that he has been roaming the forest. The big game was gone, and the bear felt helpless. He felt useless. Now all the squirrels in the woods, and the bunnies, laugh at the big bear, because they know he is hungry, but he is told not to hunt anymore. The people that own him just use him to do tricks to make themselves money. He feels lost. He wishes he had moved in with his friend.

The bear is still mighty. But, things are not looking good in the forest. Can the bear get his strength back? Will he survive?

Obviously, he needs to stand up and roar, and tell the people that own him to leave.

We need to help him. Everyone knows how sad it would be if we didn't have the bear, because it will take a bear to beat a dog. Read on...

The Dogs of Trade

Nobody’s Opinion; I was thinking about Ross Perot today. It seems so long ago when he was on the TV with his charts, trying to tell the American people how bad NAFTA would be. He tried to warn us all about the millions of jobs that would be shipped overseas. He said it over and over again.

Well, he was right wasn’t he?

I voted for him twice. Most people here in the Midwest loved him, so when he lost, I found it hard to believe because it seemed so obvious then, that the two-party system was failing us.

The big companies own the big networks, so they painted Ross Perot as a complete nut-case, and it took like glue. He was fantasizing black helicopters; he was worried that someone was going to kill his family. Every one, especially Rush Limbaugh made jokes about it. I actually believed Perot. But Rush Limbaugh is a God to many, and sadly, we lost maybe our last best hope at that time for America.

I often wondered who threatened Perot to make him drop out. I thought it sounded more like Clinton’s style, but then again, the Bush family has connections. What? You think that our government officials would never slander, or lie, or even kill for power?

With the trillions of dollars involved in the global networking going on…if you don’t think some are capable of doing it and covering their tracks, then you also believe that
if someone came into your house and slaughtered your whole family in front of you, that you would not want to kill him…no, you would understand his anger, and want to forgive him. You would turn on Sesame Street and offer him a cookie.

If Rush had at least not knocked Perot, he might have been elected, and Perot would not have signed the jobs away. But Rush is a complete party man. The two-parties have since continued to sell out the American worker.
Rush today was putting down a worker that had lost his job. You see, there is this big line by the capitalists that free trade is “the way of the world.”

Guess what cookies. This free trade they talk about is good for everyone but Americans. Free trade means…the rest of the world floods our market so our people lose their jobs, but we can’t flood their markets because they are protecting their people’s jobs. And our politicians won’t stand up to them.

We have lost our whole manufacturing base. Shoes, apparel, electronics, automobiles, the list is endless. Now, we are a “service” economy.

Free trade…there is nothing free about it. There is no justice in this “free trade.”

Capitalism works and made America great, but you have to have an equal playing field.

Our government never did that. While they have let all of Japans cars in, Japan has refused our cars to their market. This has happened time and time again with all our products. Our politicians are the world’s fools.

It’s kind of like this. You play football, the game has rules. The umpire enforces the rules fairly. Each team has the same chance. But if the umpire always sides calls for just one team…chances are that team will win. We have basically already lost.

They are now globalists, and altruistically think; “Ok. The middle class in America will become poor---too bad. The good news is the Chinese and India now have great middle classes. We are saving lives!”

One world market for the big boys. One world dollar, one world government.

I get furious when Clinton says “We will not always be the big dog on the block.”

Well, America was a pretty nice dog. Somehow I think the Chinese will be a pit bull.
I hope it bites him on the ass.

Perot was feared by both parties and he just had to go. Their plans of globalization and spreading the multinational companies all over the world was NOT going to be stopped. After all, the market of the whole world trumps us. We have been in a recession for so long, we don’t have money to spend.

In 2000, I was just finishing looking at the real Declaration of Independence in D.C. when I noticed at the end of the line was one of the original copies of the Magna Charta, donated to the American people by Ross Perot.

He was a smart dog to drop out. I understand now---Thanks Ross.

Nobody Cares; Paris Hilton is up for the part of Mother Teresa. Guys are breathlessly awaiting to see Paris in a nun’s outfit. This must be Hollywood’s version of a religious movie to get middle America back to the movies. Hopefully, she brings along her puppy to carry the water for the poor, like Dorothy and Toto in Oz.

Nobody Knows: Why does Tom Delay look so perfectly happy going on all the channels today, after losing his job? Just what position has he been promised? The 2008, Vice Presidency?

Nobody’s Perfect: The Senator from Georgia who is claiming race discrimination for being “touched” by a guard was still asking for air time today. Hey, I can't seem to remember her name or what she looks like, sorry. Hope I don't bump into her.

Anyway she denied saying that she said it was a race discrimination issure a minute after she said it. She was so stupid she forgot she was being taped. Glad to know the best and the brightest are working for America’s safety. She'll be given a ambassodorship to New Zealand soon for being a good soldier and causing a much needed scandal. Those Mexicans can't take all the news feeds!

Monday, April 03, 2006

Vote for the Redbird

Vote for the Redbird

Nobody’s Opinion; Tomorrow, April 4th, is a local election day for all us nobodys here in the middle of the United States. It also happens to conveniently fall on the opening day of the St. Louis Cardinals Baseball season, where thousands of fans have been breathlessly awaiting the opening of a new stadium. Mostly because we were told by the Post Dispatch to breathlessly await.

Since most people work, they will want to be downtown early for this historical day. I doubt many will make it to the voting booths as they usually close at 7pm, so unless you want to get up at five in the morning, or leave work early, you will not vote. Even though you are allowed by your boss to go vote, you might miss that important client. Job security trumps elections.

That’s the way the politicians like it, because there are a lot of important races going on, and the less voting the better.

And if you think this was a not a coincidence, then I can bet you fifty dollars that you went through the United States’ wonderful public educational system. That is also why it has never occurred to you that it would be much better holding elections on a weekend, when the majority of people could make it.

The only people that will be sure to vote are the teachers (Who will be refused take-home computers and free software if they don’t.) and unions officials who cast lots for everyone, all democrats. They are the majority here in Hazelwood.

Just several days ago we all got a letter telling us about 12 revisions to our city to vote on: Like all documents of sopping altruistic political persuasion, it does nothing but confuse you, which is its intention. And this isn’t South Florida. In fact, after reading the flyer I’m inclined to believe the poor people of South Florida were probably given a ballot so confusing that they had as much of a chance of understanding it as my typewriter has of understanding why I am pounding on it tonight while I am thinking about this.

I’m quoting from my flyer;

“The updates are to take into account technological and lethal charges.”
This means they want to tax every cell phone, every telephone, every television set, every wireless connection, every internet connection, in fact, anything that‘s connected to anything else. Our city managers lost the Ford plant due to overtaxing them. (we were told) Now WE have to pay Ford back they’ve declared.

“Repealing the 1970 charter that is outdated. (Notice a period here.) Adopting gender neutral phrasing. (Councilman to Councilwoman)”
The first sentence says they can declare anything outdated, including elections. The second part is to make you think they are being fair to woman. (I.e. must be more women than men)

Further revisions include the way compensation for elected official is set, provisions that regulate the appointment, removable, qualification, term of office, powers and duties of the City Manager, duties of the City Attorney, the process for filing an amended petitions and the way by which officials bonds are kept.”
This means hey will be able to set their our own salaries, fire and hire whoever they want, lengthen the term of office to lifetime, and basically set up the House of Lords in middle America.

We can allow amendment of initiative, referendum and recall petitions which are inadequate due to disqualified signatures.”
Basically, if we nobodys try to petition them of any grievances they can say we are disqualified due to the fact that we’re not nice. And if something passes they can amend it? What’s the point of passing anything then?

We are also told that we can check on candidates’ finances---however some candidates will not be required to file. Why, because they are too rich?

And here’s what they didn’t mention in the flyer…you can only vote once, either yes or no for all revisions. No line-item veto for us. Of course we’ll vote no (unless we are a teacher) and we will hear on the radio that it passed overwhelmingly. They always pass.

Either the corruption is thick at City Hall, or all the people that could vote it down will be at the ballgame, voting for the Redbirds to win.

Oh... Laura Bush is going to be conveniently here too on Election Day. She’d better wear red. It’s the least she can do for all those un-voting fans.

Nobody's Perfect; Mike Tyson was reportely very honored to be able to visit his longtime life hero, Mao, who taught him that when you can't win a fight, bite off an ear. I wondered if they let Mike take home a souvenir...a toe maybe?

Nobody Cares; Seseme Street is now going to appeal to six-month olds. Look for Big Bird to say the word "progressive" 600 times a day while eating ice cream.

Nobody's Wins: Arizona is trying to decide whether it wants Spanish to be it's official state language or English, thereby putting the United States on a one-way ticket to eventual obliviation of the English language. The American Dream will not be far behind.

Nobody Knows: Everyone is astonished that there is a big outbreak of the mumps in Iowa. The mumps vacine is one of the first vaccine every baby gets. So now...every child in the United States will have to be vaccinated all over again. What nobody knows is... was this an improved strain perfected and introduced for just this purpose? Was Aids introduced by other men to wipe out the population of Africa? Nobody knows.

But then, Nobody does know that old saying "Follow the money."

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Tornado Comes After Nobody

This was coming at our house this afternoon and in the article below, a nobody living in Missouri, will tell you a sure-fire way to keep your house from being blasted into the next state by those pesky things called tornadoes. I actually saved our home from being destroyed.

Many in the past have used this secret and started whole movements in history. Jesus, knew this secret and it was passed down to us through his disciples. He called it "faith."

Budda called it "spirit" or maybe...the great cookie in the sky...

Sports writers call it "be in the zone."

It was put in a hit song during the 1980's called "Don't Worry, be Happy."

Dr. Phil would say."Don't Sweat the Small Stuff."

My nobody opinion is; 'Who the hell knows why it just does, so cover all options. When in doubt, pray."

Stinky Tornados

Stinky Tornados

Nobody’s Opinion; I’m absolutely bored out of my mind with politics tonight. All the talk show, all the newspapers, evening broadcasts…even the internet. It was such a lame day here in Missouri---warm, humid, and muggy. Too early for the air-conditioner, too expensive to run the heater. And still too early to put up the screen doors on the house because as soon as you do, there will be another freeze. Always happens.

So you sit inside and sweat, and put deodorant on, and wonder is it you that smells, or your husband? And if it’s him, you won’t bother telling him so. And if it’s you, he won’t bother telling you, so there you are. You both stink. But it’s ok, because as everyone knows, after you’ve been married for awhile, sooner or later both of you will shower.

After a while of smelling stinky, you both actually start getting used to the smell. And inevitably neither one of you smells anything bad at all, and if you happen to get a visitor you are bound to wonder why they didn’t stick around.

Makes me sound like trailer trash, (Technically I cannot be because I do not live in a trailer.) but realistically specking, if you are a fashion plate when you are a nobody, then you DO NOT have a brain, because there are so much more important things to think about besides how you look. like digging a fallout bunker in the backyard, or counting how many times liberals say the word “progressive” on TV.

Whenever I get up on a Sunday morning there are really only two ways to look at it;

1. “Do I want to take two hours to try to transform a retiring physique with old clothes that no longer fit me, and make me feel fat and old ?


2. Do I just put on what I had on yesterday since it was comfortable and use the two precious hours doing some task that needs to be done, like watching a Sci-Fi movie...

Unless you a movie star, model, on a job, or big date, it’s an obvious no-brainer.

That’s why Einstein always looked like he had one foot in a toaster. He had better things to do. If he had been into getting his clothes custom-fitted, his nails done, his teeth capped, his eyebrows cut, who knows what would have happened in history? The atomic bomb might never have been developed, we’d all be thinner due to less stress from worrying about nuke attacks, and Time Magazine would have had to make Thomas Edison the man of every century.

Einstein’s hair alone would have taken at least four days to manage.

So, there we were today, stinking and hot, my husband and I trying to figure out how to paste HTML on our bodies, when the tornado sirens went off.

That does NOT happen here often, in the middle of an afternoon.

So the first thing I said to my husband was…”Let’s get the birds downstairs.”
His answer: “They’re just birds.”

His answer does not compute in my woman brain.

“What do you mean, 'They’re just birds?' Do you think if we get hit they will survive because they are birds? (Somehow making them immune to tornadoes) or do you mean we can risk them dying because they are not something more intelligent like your dogs.”

Meanwhile, the winds are whipping up outside, the sky is black and green, hail is falling, and actually, even though scary, the wind feels pretty good since we have both been so stinky. Our stink momentarily floats out the back screen door.

On the radio we hear; “There has been a tornado touch down and it is moving along the highway at 60- miles- per- hour.” We are one minute from this highway.

Still, his answer paralyzes me into trying to decide not only just what he meant, but lines of action. Leave them? Does the man always have the last say? Are they more important than my computer? If we are hit, all my books are upstairs, and someone in the next state might get a wet and torn copy of “How to Finance Your Invention or Great Idea?” fall on top of their bird feeder.

Or even worse…how much the neighborhood is going to hate me BECAUSE I have collected 4,000 books plus all the National Geographics from 1953 through 2003, and if my house is hit, the rest of the neighborhood will have books strewn all over their own stuff and I will be in everyone yard going...”Excuse me…I think that’s my book on the remains of your kitchen floor. Can I have it please?” Totally embarrassing.

No one in his right mind has that many books in this neighborhood. My addiction having been revealed, my local library might hear of it and refuse me a card.

All this was going through my mind before I decided to actually move toward the basement.

“Ok.” I said, “You win.”

That phrase alone will down the toughest man.

So down the steps we went with the birdcage, but not until we had done the usual
”Why did you change your mind?” ---“ I dunno.” conversation which wasted another four minutes
Once downstairs, we got near a closet and turned on a nearby TV. Tornadoes were dropping all around the area. The cool, and calm weatherman showed seven little pictures of tornados on his map. Cool.

We could hear the hail banging, and the possibility of the whole house going up was at least 70%. But was I worried? …no.

I learned a very good lesson from my dad, years ago.

It was 1963; I was nine, standing in our house in Naples, Florida. Hurricane Donna was blasting all around us. Winds up to 200 mph. It was scary. I was scared. My mother was hysterical. We were watching the roof over our neighbor’s house slowly get torn off, much like a can of tuna being opened in slow motion.

But my Dad was playing putt-putt in the living room, and I was incredibly amazed at his ability to act like he was on the sixteenth hole at Pebble Beach. He was laughing. My Dad was the coolest cucumber man in the universe. He was Arnold. He was John Wayne. He was having too much fun for a sane man.

My dad had said he had built the house to withstand hurricanes. He opened the windows at the right time, telling me that, it was his secret, explaining the science to me. All the while the whole neighborhood blew down. Everyone came to our house, which had suffered no damage at all. Not even a broken window.

How did he know? I think it’s what you call…positive thinking. If you say your house will not be destroyed by a hurricane or a tornado. It won’t.

Your mind can affect nature. Obviously…they just don’t know how that works yet.

Hey, it worked for my dad. So--- I just smiled and felt perfectly content, happy, and stinky, and not worried at all. Within minutes the tornadoes lifted, and the storm disappeared.

All I can say is, don’t try this at home.

And don’t worry about how much you stink when there are more important matters like life and death, and why the universe and the human mind works in such mysterious ways.

I’ll take a shower tomorrow. Tonight I talk to you, and that’s much more important. Just be thankful you’re not here.

Nobody’s Knows; Ok…a little politics…Mikhail Gorbachev said today “America is intoxicated by its position as the world’s only superpower.” God---no wonder he has hooked up with Clinton, who is trying desperately to undo any superpower status that we have left. Bet they share the same girlfriends too.

Nobody’s Cares; Sharon Stone’s movie opened in ninth place. Gee---think that comment she made about how oral sex is good for girls just before the release had anything to do with low turnout? Don’t you just love it when aging movie stars say the stupidest things and it comes back and hits them at the box office? Sharon will now tell us the reason no one came to the first showing is because the women of America did not want to let their husbands go to see it ---because she is in such good shape. Why go see Sharon Stone when you can get stupid human tricks on David Letterman?

Nobody’s Perfect: John McCain has gone looney again and was praising the illegal immigrants. He suggested that they just keep marching and they will get what they want.

Well, actually, that might be a good idea. The businesses will be forced to hire Americans because the illegals won’t show up for work due to the much more important protests.

Nobody’s Fool: Gingrich has positioned himself just right for his bid for the presidency. He is always mentioning his one big past achievement. “We reached our peak in August of ’97 when we passed the balanced budget. That was the moment when we had in fact changed the city.”

Well, the city was changed for a whole two days. If elected, he will change the Presidency for at least four days, then declare Marshall law.

See you tomorrow.