Nobody's Absurdities, No. 36: The Women Are Freaking!

Nobody’s Opinion: Just minutes ago, I was thinking about how recently more women than usual were just freaking out.

A lady traveling in diapers, girl teenager’s video taping gang fights, another woman giving a gun to her teenage son and telling him to go kill the kid who just beat him up…

Nancy Pelosi freaking out because she wants a BIGGER plane to travel on…

And then, today, Anna Nicole Smith is found dead, like her former prototype for the world’s sexual attention, Marilyn Monroe…

So, what’s going on? Was it the full moon? Something in the atmosphere? Global warming? Bad Fhen Shey? Too many Diet Pills?

Any ideas?

Somehow President Bush will ultimately be blamed for these hysterical women. So in order of an absurdity scale of 1-10, here is my 36th blog on unexplainable moments in the latest news, which the freaking women have been dominating.

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It must take a super person beyond anyone’s imagination to become a respected astronaut, to fly in the shuttle, meet any challenge, and be the cream of the crop…your organizational skills alone must surpass the usual human capability.

So how did a woman of high intelligence, freak out so much in an obvious jealous rage over a man that she had “more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship,” that she put on some diapers, grabbed some pepper spray, a steel mallet, a knife, and some rubber tubing, and drove 900 miles to get to her rival for stealing evidently the greatest spiritual moment of sex ever experienced on earth? (Or was it off?)

Colleen Shipman was ready for her, and Liza Nowak, mother of three, was so stupid in her poorly planned attempt at “kidnapping,” that she ended up in police custody, almost as soon as she arrived.

One wonders what would have happened if Liza had actually been commanding the shuttle? She might have crashed it right straight into the Colleen’s house while she was sleeping.

And why wasn’t she mad at her rocket man?

Still, it’s the diapers that are getting everyone, which makes one wonder---just what other tricks are they teaching their astronauts?

She might just have given Depends a whole new market: Jealous woman on rampages.

On a scale of 1-10, this seems like a nine.

What are the odds?

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Larry King last night interviewed Cynthia Sommers (32) from jail, and while looking like the frog waiting to become a Prince, Larry was obviously mesmerized by Cynthia’s wide eyed seduction when she said that she has no idea who poisoned her Marine husband with enough arsenic to kill the whole 82nd airborne.

Why, she is just so shocked! She was the one that made the 911 call!

The pain of her loss was evidently so great she went right out with the insurance money and brought herself new “breasts,” and started partying.

Those new breasts will certainly come in handy in prison.

How stupid can you be? Poison your husband, and then think they will not find a trace of arsenic?

She seemed like a pretty girl---why not just divorce him and marry a man with more money? Why risk going to jail?

What WAS she thinking?

But, hey…she got her 10 minutes of fame on Larry King. Something tells me she’s happy.

I give this one a five. The girl was not very creative in her “plans.” But like most people who commit murder for money, she thinks she will get away with it.

So did the Melendez brothers.

She should have waited just a few months before her operation, but brains were obviuosly not her strong point.

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Somewhere near Detroit last Sunday, a woman named Kukla, went completely nuts. Relatives said she had been acting a bit strange.

She stabbed her two young daughters, who were 8 and 5 to death with kitchen knives, by cutting their throats.

The girl’s father was in jail.

What makes this one so strange is that she also ALSO stabbed 3 Pomeranian dogs, and a pet mouse.

Then put them in a neat pile.

She said she heard voices, like Andrea Yates.

Something tells me, mom was trying to sleep and everyone was making too much noise.

This is one time I bet a husband was actually glad to be in jail.

I give this one an eight. Like Andrea Yates, she admitted she was nuts.

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In New Orleans, a teenage boy named Clarence Johnson (17) went home after a fight, only to be handed a gun by his mother (Vanessa Johnson) and told to go get the guy who beat him up.

He took mom’s advice and went and shot him in the stomach. The kid is now dead.

Now, what in the world was the mother thinking? A mother hands the gun to her son?

Something is definitely funny about this story. But then again, maybe she thought he would just “protect” himself.

Actually, this story is not that strange being as it came out of New Orleans, the new Somalia. Maybe the mothers are just being realistic. Better go live in jail…at least you will get three meals a day and protection.

I’ll give this one a four.

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And let’s not forget Princess Nancy Pelosi demanding a 747 to use for her own pleasure. A plane that can hold 111 people, complete with bedrooms, hot tubs, and an extra special place for Bill Clinton to hold parties.

And she demands this with a straight face. While her predecessor, Dennis Hastert, did fine on a military plane that held 16 passengers.

What hypocrites these people are, and just how stupid are we? The people always talking about the HUGE gap between the rich and the poor, sure do like to remind us of it.

She now holds the purse to the Pentagon, so she demands this plane, to show her testicles and accordingly, the “white house” agrees.

They will be calling this Air Force Three. Bill Clinton built Air Force Two, and a new Air Force One, so it’s only fitting that the party of Al Gore demands another one. Before we are through, all of Congress will have 747's.

She said she wanted to see “her family.”

Let me get this straight, all her children are grown, she and her husband are worth over 400 million…just how often does she have to see “her family?”

Does she have over seventy grandchildren?

As far as this taxpayer is concerned, she can move her “family” to Washington or forfeit the job.

Nancy is really going after perks and corruption isn’t she?

Next thing you know Nancy will want her own shuttle.

I rate this on so absurd, it deserves a 10.

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And lastly, not surprisingly today, Anna Nicole Smith’s death will be on the news for the three weeks at least.

A woman, who took over Madonna as the next imitator of Marilyn Monroe, went even farther by doing the best imitation of all…imitating her death.

Two men will be fighting over her money, and her child, who, just by being the child of a famous woman will be worth lots of money, even without her mother's hard earned 350 million.

Already NASA has been kicked off the front pages.

Here was a woman who knew how to imitate that image and make lots of money off it.

Guys all over the world are just a little bit sadder tonight.

So sad that some guy on Fox News just said “She might have been our Lady Di.”

Please...Okay, Lady Di was not exactly a sex symbol. And I don’t think as fun as Anna was to watch, she did not represented the United States…

But, she did represent the American fascination with big.....beauty.

There is no scale for this one, I find it quite sad.

She told her friends she would die like Marilyn Monroe. She was complete zonked out on drugs. And like Marilyn, we will never know if she was killed, or just did it herself.

So, who is our next Marilyn?

I noticed Christiania Aguilera is getting that Monroe look. Not to be outdone by Brittany, she announced that she and her husband cook in the nude.

I have NO idea why this would be sexy. Must be something sexy about a woman cooking, but he should have at least have something on.

A man running around nude in the kitchen is actually a bit scary.

All these carbon copies of Monroe, make lots of money, but never capture the original.

So, there it is: a week of women freaking. I thank God these were the only ones I could find.

Who knows what if it had been Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, or Barbara Boxer?

Who knows what could happen if they “freaked?”

Something tells me, the women have only just begun.

Nobody’s Perfect: Recently, we’ve been seeing gangs of teenage girls going out to beat up on other girls, video taping themselves committing the crime, and posting it on the internet!
Now, how stupid is that?

Evidently, not so stupid because all these girls know not a thing will happen to them, being as they are underage.

No, the judges put them out into the community to do service. Where the girls can go around and brag and recruit new members.

Which makes you wonder, what’s more absurd here, the crime or the punishment?

Nobody Knows; What if Hillary Clinton was to freak out? What if she is elected President and she decides she has just about had enough of Bill.

Just where do you think she would keep the nuclear suitcase? Next to her bed?

Nobody Cares; According to Allen Dershowitz, women kill more men than men kill women every year.

Men tend to kill more strangers, mostly other men.

Gives you something to think about.
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A woman freaking out is not new. On this date in 1587, Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded by Elizabeth the first. Elizabeth, thankfully, never married.

Elizabeth also may I note...did NOT need diapers.

Can YOU Keep A Secret?

Nobody’s Opinion: Here’s a philosophical question for ya:

When do you keep something “secret” and when do you not?

Even though these little decisions affect most humans on the planet every hour of the day, when it comes to governments holding secrets from its people, it can become a whole other “can of philosophical worms” so to speak.

This mental “dilemma,” one that serial killers have gotten down to a science, is something we all learn to deal with as little kids.

Do you tell your parents that it was you that actually broke mom’s favorite “Ming” vase in the living room by accident? Do you tell your dad that it was really you who took your sister’s favorite doll and blew it to smithereens in the driveway with leftover firecrackers because you ran out of toy cars?

Besides, your little sister is a real pest. And you wish she’d just go away.

I remember once when I was a kid, I accidentally sat on a 78’ long playing record called “I Like Ike.” I felt really bad about it, but went promptly to the kitchen and told my mom.

She just about put me up for adoption. The only way I remained in the family was by asking her to sing the song to me every other day…in which she would burst forth into:

“I like Ike, and Ike is good with a MIKE.” (Good thing I knew what a mike was.)

Maybe that’s why I became a singer. I thought if I could learn to actually SING that song my mother wouldn’t starve me.

The other lesson I learned is that some guy named IKE, was the heartthrob that my mom had always dreamed of, but because of destiny, she settled for my dad.

And this guy Ike had to be the greatest President in history for my mom to have gotten so upset.

It never crossed my mind that I shouldn’t have told her. I figured she’d find out anyway.

This is an important lesson in deciding whether to keep secrets---even when you grow up and try to tell your girlfriend that that earring in your glove box is actually your sisters, your sister might not even wear earrings and then explaining the earring in your car’s glove box will be much harder.

But, in personal relationships the only ones affected by the “secrets” told are a very small number. When a government decides to hide “secrets” (and let’s exclude military here) from their people, it can mean life or death.

It can mean the difference between a dictatorship and a republic.

Not too long ago I read an article by John L. Esposito, another one of our government’s think tank consultants from Georgetown called,

“Political Islam: Beyond the Green Menace.” This was written back in 1994.

Here’s some of the stuff they knew way back when:

“There is an Islamic world in more than 48 countries and a rapidly growing minority in Europe and America. While some Islamic organizations engage in terrorism, seeking to topple governments, others spread their message through preaching and social services and demand the right to gain legitimate power with ballots rather than bullets, in other words to hijack democracy.”

In other words, when Rumsfeld was fired, he lamented that people just didn’t get the whole picture.

Well, of course we don’t. It’s a been a well kept secret. We are lead to believe even now, that we have more to fear from our SUV”S then the Muslims moving into our neighborhoods.

We are also being lead to believe that an invasion of Mexicans is good for us, even if all the proof shows it’s the end of America as we know it. It’s a well kept secret that our government intends to take care of its own continuing power structure first, and if that means the final downfall of the rest of us…so be it.

That’s how important they think they are. If not for them, there would BE no Wal-Mart.

But, the real power brokers, Kissinger and Madeleine Albright, are running around secretly “fearing” for the clash of civilizations that they think President George W. Bush is going to “start.”

Well, who started this? And when? It sure wasn’t me or you.

Esposito writes; “Middle Eastern governments have used the danger posed by Islamic fundamentalism as the excuse for increasing authoritarianism and violations of human rights and the indiscriminate suppression of Islamic opposition, as well as for the West’s silence about these actions. Tunisia, Algeria, and Egypt join Israel in warning of a regional and international Islamic threat in their bids to win Western aid and justify their repression of Islamists.”

Gee, god forbid they all stop getting our millions.

He goes on to talk about Iran’s plans to export its revolution all over the world, with Iran and Sudan at its heart. Islam is the second largest religion in Germany and France and the third largest in Britain and America. (Remember, this is 1994.)

This is a fact long been known by our “leaders.”

Like the communists, they are patient. The Islamic, whether radical or not, plan to convert the whole world. They think long-term along with their communists buddies.

This is also why they love the democrats, knowing they will convert willingly. As we now see, the communists had no trouble with them.

Funny, we are just getting this news twelve years later?

And not from our government, who would prefer we forget 9/11 as one forgets a traffic accident. It was just a fender bender to them.

No, they hold many secrets. The fact that they did not come to Terry Schiavo’s rescue is because they know that the money for Medicare is going fast, and the baby boomers are going to want their money back. The policies of “right to die” were already in place and being implemented at all hospitals.

Save one, you have to save them all. Better they die sooner rather than later.

If you are over 65, and arrive in intensive care, you will have a doctor shouting over you to your children saying, “So, who takes care of her WILL?”

Or how about those two Border Patrol officers who were jailed for doing their jobs?

Once again, the silence from our government is overwhelming. Drug addicts are pardoned, while patriots are punished. Another secret covered up.

Drugs are very big business here in the United States, and plans for legalization are probably coming soon.

The National Guard is sent to appease us, but the secret is, they are just being allowed to give out water.

The plan to merge into a North American Continent has been forged long before now with both parties signing NAFTA. President Bush has signed the North American Continent agreement with Mexico and Canada.

It’s just a secret they want to continue to keep quiet, which means, fill the airwaves with lost children and scandals. Lou Dobbs can’t do a thing about it.

After all, he holds no office.

So, when Bill Clinton refused to go after bin Laden twelve times saying he did not get the chance, when Condoleezza Rice came out and said nobody could imagine that people would fly planes into the world trade center:

Don’t believe it.

It’s a dirty secret that our highest officials have known about this extreme danger coming our way for many, many years.

They just didn’t want to mention it to us.

We saw this in the downing of flight 800, where all sorts of stories were made up to hid the secret that we all now suspect, that it was a terrorist attack.

Hundreds of witnesses were basically silenced.

Secrets are so important to our government that Sandy Berger is sent into our National Archives and hides secrets in his stinky socks.

And nobody in the government will even touch him, because it’s a dirty little secret that they all know, they do not intend to protect us.

They put on that dog and pony show, they invent committees made up of the very people who know all about the mandate to cover up corruption.

What…are we some kind of children to them? Don’t WE pay their salaries?

Like the First World Trade Center bombing, our Leaders want us to think they are actually protecting us, instead of what they are really doing it seems…

And that is picking fights.

It’s the role of parents to protect their children sometimes by keeping secrets about certain things, like the secrets of sex until they are old enough to mentally handle it.

BUT, we are all adults here on the same planet. It’s not the role of our government to assume the same position as benevolent parents. They are suppose to abide by the rule of law…they are suppose to uphold the republic.

The republic that we the people elected them to preserve.

And holding vast secrets from us, secrets that affect our lives and that of our children is basically…tyrannical.

Going around the whole world trying to set up democracies like President Bush is claiming to do in the Muslims nations is going to be extremely difficult, because there is no such thing as democratic rule in their religion, which is incorporated into their state.

If you give them free elections, they will elect dictatorships. Hoping the people will fight for a democracy is a long shot, one that President Bush has decided to take.

His reason for it is a secret.

But if this IS the last clash of civilizations, don’t you think they should tell us flat out?

And if this is the final clash of civilizations, then there is no question that the West should win. The Eastern religions are based on slavery.

If you are a woman in Saudi Arabia, you must have the permission of you husband to do anything. It is a nation of slaves, always has been.

(I would certainly like to hear Dr. Elder’s response on this, spirituality speaking.)

Unlike our colonies, which were pretty “free” before the revolution, Islamic Muslims have never tasted democracy. It’s not an easy concept for them.

If our leaders were so concerned about “democracy” we should insist they set more of a democratic example of it here at home.

Instead, in the last few years, while trying to spread “democracy” into China and the Middle East, we have seen them “rule” us with what car we can drive, what food we can eat, what education our children can get, who is allowed to take our property, what gambling habits we can have, and what nations can invade us.

These things have nothing to do with protecting us from jihads.

We have been ordered to sacrifice our retirement and the education of our children, give up any hope of a middle class standard of living to “affirmative” action privileges in order to merge with another nation.

Have you ever wondered why this merging is so popular? Because the rich get so much richer. The same thing happens with governments. It’s cost effective.

Makes sense to them.

The baby boomers and their children are to pay for this globalization, while the big international corporations, along with the ruling classes secure their lives and their children’s for the next 200 years.

Or until China, with the help of the Clintons, take them over.

Who knows if President Bush’s plan of trying to plant freedom in a Muslim nation will work or not, it certainly is a long shot. It might have worked if the democrats hadn’t sided with the Muslims.

Maybe it is just the last attempt by a frustrated President try to put off WWIII just a little longer.

One thing for sure, the American people will never know, it’s all a secret.

Nobody’s Perfect; Hillary’s secret plan has been to marry Bill Clinton, who would be made President, and for all her hard work in supporting him, she would become the first woman President.

She had to keep that a secret all her life. It was such a secret, that when she finally came out an announced it, no one was surprised.

Nobody Knows; Going back to personal secrets, I’ve always wondered how many men have copies of nude women hidden in bathroom ceiling tiles, or under sofa’s, and how many women find them?

Nobody Cares; William Congreve once said, “I know that it’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.”

Which pretty much solves that issue.

Grasping the Gipper

Nobody’s Opinion:
After reading Doug Powers’s very moving birthday tribute to Ronald Reagan today: (See his piece on MND…“Happy Birthday: The Gipper Remembered”) he brought me back, as good writers can do, to the day of Reagan’s death.
I remembered all of America mourning as they had not done probably since the death of Eisenhower.
I too, remember being swept away by the moving pictures of his funeral.
Recently, we saw with Ford’s passing, a media trying desperately to present the same sediments. But it wasn’t there.

The opposite was true when Reagan died. Most of the media was trying to downplay his greatness, and if not for the fact that a Republican President was in office, who let the funeral go on for the people, the people would not have been given the opportunity to truly reflect in their private moments the last politician we felt we could trust.

Anyway, I dug this up…I wrote it Kerry was running for President.
After reading it you will see that the democratic party has not changed. The liberal media, has actually gotten worse.

After reading it again myself, I think more than ever now, with the threat of Islamic world coming at us, all Americans should take out the star of Ronald Reagan whenever we hear our own citizens attack the great man, or the patriotic Americans he represented.
(What, you’re a liberal and patriotic you say?)

Well, if you are following the democratic party, then you MIGHT want to think again, and do some real soul searching. You don’t have to join the republican party. Just think for yourself.
Ronald Reagan was above parties. He was his own man who believed in the American people, damn the parties. He had very little support in his belief in right and wrong, black and white. And because of his own confidence in the rightness of his cause, he toppled a nation without a single bullet.

America was founded not on the concept of parties, but on our right to be Independent, and to be unified in that cause.

Independent from political tyrants, elitists, socialists, communists, and Islamic fanatics.

Doug was right. Ronald Reagan believed in right, he believed in us. We should start believing in ourselves again.
Thanks Doug, for making me remember just what we all should be fighting for.

LET’S POLISH THE STAR.

December 8, 2004

A great man, has passed away. A man who shed a very prominent light on the lives of all of us baby boomers, though we didn‘t think about it at the time. During the eight years while Reagan was President, we didn’t have to give a thought about our government. We made more money than ever. (especially minorities and women) Blacks and whites weren’t at each other’s throats. Republicans and Democrats were not dividing the country like Saturday night at the World Wide Wrestling Federation.

For most of us, after we had to finally grow up and decide that if we wanted to eat, live, and support families, the “hippy” days of complaining and hating the government were gone. Bell bottoms and long hair gave way to dresses, shirts and ties. Then suddenly, we were forced by time to go to work and Bob Dylan was replaced with Disco. The old corporate greed that the baby boomers had blamed on our parents gave way to a creed of a greed even more unimaginable then our parents had ever dreamed of.

Like a good father, he was there… silently it seemed. We never noticed him much. We just felt secure and protected, not really thinking why. We were too busy with our lives. Which is the way of a great leader, great fathers, and great artists. They make it look easy. Ronald Reagan made being President look as easy as eating jelly babies.

Still…it’s sad to say as I remember, when Reagan and Gorbachev got together it seemed next to Gorbachev, the great communicator looked like he had a hard time thinking…even dumb. Sometimes I was ashamed when Reagan seemed to say so little. Because I trusted my television so much, I thought it was really Gorbachev that dismantled the Soviet Union.

Not did I realized till after the events of the last eight years, that it was the media…controlling what we saw and controlling our image of the great man. The media was the reason I had the image of Reagan that I did. Why weren’t these great speeches we are hearing now after his death not broadcasted and praised on every station when he was alive?

How shocked I was to find out that Walter Cronkite, supposedly the most trusted man in news, turned out to be a man for a One World Government and against the United States. I found out that Ronald Reagan was a brilliant man, and Walter Cronkite was simply, just a good reader. Who could have guessed? We were always led to believe that in the United States propaganda did not exist. Propaganda was only used in communist countries.

And that’s the point. Soon, after the funeral, and even now, history will be rewritten about Ronald Reagan. You will hear and read on all the leftist media outlets (and by now we all know who they are) with subtlety, and great surgical editing precision, picking apart the shining star of Ronald Reagan. Because they can’t stand shining stars. Clinton’s legacy was so bad, they had to rewrite history and trash the stars of Washington and Jefferson to make an even playing field.

The ones at the top know that the actual words of the founding fathers are kept out of school books.

The NEA continues to rewrite American history books. In my son’s required college freshman American Political course of 2000, I counted 15 pictures of Bill Clinton, five of Hillary, and two of Monica. If you go by this tactic, the greatest Americans will be completely erased from all history books by 2010. They do it very slowly so you don’t notice.

You will hear the starting comments “He was the great communicator.” In other words…he was an actor who fooled everyone. Nancy will become the nut case who read the stars. And the Iran-Contra affair will be treated as a crime as atrocious as Watergate, or killing babies.

Selling America’s nuclear secrets, setting up our nation to be attack by nuclear weapons, not to mention aiding and abetting terrorists by decimating our military and intelligent agencies, are not the same as trying to free American citizens, we will be told. Who’s the dumb ones here? Clinton is having his legacy rewritten by every X-staffer, comedian, and entertainer, that he can find. Pounds of gold glitter is being sopped on Clinton’s dripping star at every chance. But paint has a hard time sticking to tin. And not all that glitters is gold. (sorry, couldn’t resist)

The Democrats play the game of all conservatives just being plain stupid and not worldly. They on the other hand are sophisticated and intellectually superior, because they look at all sides to an issue. Everything is relative, and truth can be twisted to fit into whatever agenda they want to promote.

Now, if Ronald Reagan and George Bush are dumb. Then so am I. And so is every American who wants a government to honor all those who have died for what American stands for. Justice, freedom, a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

So, watch for John Kerry in his election run to cloak himself in the American flag, and keep on pandering how he fought for his country. The Democrats will use the Revolution and the founding fathers on their platform in Boston. They want you to believe the lie that we need a revolution to escape the tyranny of President Bush. They will shamelessly use the platform of our dead founding fathers, and rewrite history to fit their run for power. They will stand before the statues of our great founders…claiming association.

Watch it.

Then go and find the truth. Because despite what they say, there really is such a thing.
Kerry reminds me of an old lover (we’ve all had these.) The kind that swears he loves you more than life itself, and then you come home and find him in bed with another woman. His real love is the United Nation.

The new Democratic party wants to not only control the U.S., but the world. They are losing, so they are triangulating as Dick Morris would say for the big prize. They will tell you that Bush wants to be a military Hitler and control the world. They will use clever sound bites, and soak themselves in your values, because they know you are a sucker for them.

They don’t want you to really look at what they are doing…. turning the star of America to RED.
So, let’s polish that star. Let’s listen to Reagan’s speeches. And when we hear the words of the polite libel and slanderous mud that the Democrats will be slinging on the shining memory of Reagan, remember: they are also slinging mud on the red, white, and blue twinkle in all our hopeful stars, and get out our polish.

Polish the star of a man who shone every day as bright as the American dream. Who protected that star with his life, his love, and his honor. Because he would want us to keep that Star Shining.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Nobody’s Opinion; Is it me? Or have these monumental American sporting events become almost interstellar celebrations?

You would have thought Hailey’s comet was going to appear in only one spot on Earth, on Super Bowl Sunday--- right over the Gator Bowl. I take that back. Most people could care less about Hailey’s comet, but football…ahhhh… that’s the final place on earth where men can be REAL men, and bash each other ruthlessly just for fun. Who wants to miss that?

Football is the game that most closely resembles the last of the Roman gladiators. Even Condoleezza Rice wants a part of it. In fact, she means to rule it. (The women mean to seize power everywhere.) Because there is NO way any feminist would last two seconds on a football field filled with 200-pound men coming to crush her. It’s one of the only jobs that a woman just can not compete.

This tells you something about the woman, Condoleezza Rice.

Frankly, I had a big problem yesterday. My husband HATES football. I’m not really crazy about it either. In fact I’ve never understood why perfectly reasonably thinking grown men and woman want to sit outside in sub-zero weather for hours freezing their tails off just to witness a game where a bunch of men in tights run into each other trying to get a ball. Why do that when you can be snug in your home with vast plates of fattening food not yet outlawed, and fat relatives and friends who love to come and get fat and get drunk with you?

Some other fans like to go to the parking lots and freeze sitting on the end of their car bumpers, which gave it the name of “tailgating.” I’ve never tried it, but with lots of beer to warm oneself against the cold, millions of Americans swear its great fun.

Who am I to argue?

Tailgating is going to soon be outlawed due to the fact that there just might be a tailgating terrorist driving his bar-be-queue pit into the front gate. They outlawed it in Miami this year. Which is another great American tradition being thrown out by radical Islam.

Another great tradition which they are also trying to get rid of is betting on the game. Although I don’t think we can blame the terrorists on this one.

Sunday, my husband and I thought we’d go out to lunch at our local mall, and noticed that our “Bank of America” ATM’s at all the branches in our area, were “temporarily” out of order.

I was SURE it was an indirect way for the “powerful” to keep the American people from losing most of what was left in their checking accounts (since they have no savings) from going down some Las Vegas Hole of Super Bowl Lottery.

After all, they “the powerful” have other plans for our money.

My husband of course thinks I’m crazy.

“Well, they outlawed it on the internet because of that reason!” I said.

“No, you’re too paranoid.”

I’m so glad he got some food in him. That was the first contest I lost that day. Score, husband 7, wife 0.

So, why is this Superbowl game so popular?

Let’s fact it…there is something about a “ball” that drives men crazy.

My son’s first word was “ball.” This was incredible frustrating because for months I had been saying “say Mama, say Mama” so many times to him, I was starting to annoy even myself.

But then, as I was waiting patiently with camera in hand to record his first word, it was not "mama," it was not pass the baby powder, it was “ball.”

Then he learns to point at the ball. Mama goes and gets the ball.

This starts the basic life of mother and son. Also why there must be a father to talk sense into the mother, who just doesn’t get it.

Then, as if to add insult to injury my son’s second word was “daddy.”

Not fair! Daddy is never around! Who feeds you, or changes your diapers? Who devotes her entire existence into your every moment of happiness? Who the first one to play ball with you?

When my son was three he stared calling me by my real name. He would say “Joy, go get me a coke!”

The word “mama” is still not in his vocabulary.

(Let’s not go there.)

Of course, he grew up loving sports, any sports where you had to hit or roll, or catch a ball. He knew exactly what was important in life.

I could only be proud that he was a natural at sports. Of course, he got none of this from me. At puberty, I lost all ability to even run down a street without looking like a jiggle farm.

He obviously got his genes from a distant uncle who had been on the Cardinals farm team.

This is why I lean toward the idea that genetics will trounce “environment” every time. Yes, men love to chase balls, something they have in common with most dogs, which is why they bonded in the first place. (dogs and men)

Maybe we should drop a big “football” in the middle of Bagdad and let everyone try to get it out of the city, may the best team win. The rules being, no one could use explosives to move it.

And nationalize it on TV. Men would be all for it, especially if you could convince the Arabs that explosives would be waiting for them at the goalposts and they could blow themselves up at the moment of victory if they wanted to.

Whole industries would disappear, so there you go, it won’t happen.

Anyway, it was not easy for me to figure out how in the world I was going to get my husband to at LEAST let me flip to the game once in a while to watch the commercials, or half-time, because I do think Prince, however you think him a nutcase, is an extremely great entertainer. And secretly, I wanted to see the score. (Don’t tell anyone)

My strategy was, “Honey, look there’s a MONK marathon on! I’ll watch that while you rest!”

I knew since he was tired and he wanted to spend the day in bed. Therefore, I thought, sooner or later he will fall asleep, and then I would get my chance. I would just start out turning to the game during the commercials. Saying “Oh I hate commercials on USA, and the ones on the Superbowl game happen only once a year, honey.”

This didn’t work. Every time I turned to the station, the game was on. He would then grab the controller so fast that I was afraid the sheets would spark.

So no…I lost the second fight. In fact, I lost the game. I was down in the slimy gutter with the Bears.

I missed Billy Joel, I missed Prince, I missed watching the people who paid half their yearly salaries for seats get really miserably wet…I missed watching the hours of speculatative x-football jocks introducing endless PR videos trying to clean up the images of convicted felons, drug dealers, and rappers…

I missed the promotional products of beer and sex. I missed the once in a lifetime catches.

I missed it all, because my husband is bored by sports. (Actually, it’s one of the things I love about him.)

But then again, sports are so important to the American culture, that it’s sadly being replaced by video games. Once, all the kids in American would get out of the house on Saturday and Sunday and go play baseball or football with the other kids. They could come home and eat a whole package of cookies without gaining weight.

No more. Now, we see that boys are being snatched off their bikes, and kids are ending up dead in ditches our American culture has changed fast.

And since the women are now working eight hours a day, there IS no “village” to watch out for the kids. The new village now works for the government.

Football is now a huge entertainment industry, marketed as soon as the season begins.

And I was going to actually write about the game, but unfortunately, I missed it.

Blame it on my husband. He now can be seen on ESPN doing the touchdown “husband has the last say” dance.


Nobody's Perfect: Maybe one of the reasons the Arab men are so easily recruited for “war” is because they have no national sports to give them the avenue for competition.

I know...pretty lame. But then again, it’s a great way to get all that testosterone directed into something that is less harmful. Someone should be dropping football’s or soccer balls in the Mosques.

Nobody Knows; Don’t you think that if you had paid $10,000 for a ticket, you should get at least a high-priced two hour concert afterwards with free food, drinks, and a date with Brittany Spears?

And a Lear Jet to take you home?

Nobody Cares: Touch football was my favorite game to play when I was around seven, mostly because I was actually taller than all the boys in the neighborhood, and could tackle each and every boy around…and we played in the sand. No one every got hurt and it was great exercise. And no adults thought anything about it. It was just fun.

Now, little girls play...just what do they play now?